There is part of me that is always screaming.
Some beyond insane fragment of my mind that just screams and screams in a vain attempt to express the deep and terrible pain I am in all the time.
Perceptually, it is somewhat like a constant white noise at a frequency you can’t actually hear but yet can still perceive.
And it hurts.
Could be entirely metaphorical – my mind’s way of translating something deeply ephemeral into something more concrete.
Could be entirely physical – a side effect of my sinus issues causing me to always have fluid in my ear.
Probably a little of both.
I feel really tormented lately. I keep finding myself hounded by a feeling of persecution and dread, like something or someone is coming for me.
Dunno what, and it doesn’t really matter. It’s the Nameless Horror, the Very Bad Thing that is the villain of all neuroses and compulsions. The thing that is so bad that your mind shuts down when you try to understand or name it because it’s too great a horror for your mind to contain.
So I keep finding myself in this state of near-panic and manic dread, usually while I am lying in bed but sometimes during quiet moments when I am here at the computer too.
And it’s like being trapped and it’s like being crazy, only at the same time the sane part of my mind is screaming, “What? What is problem? Why are we freaking out?”.
Question cannot be answered because there is no reason. This is not about anything real. This comes from the deep dark recesses of the chemical mind where all the suppressed emotions and latent energies express themselves in the lowest possible way, via the waste heat of emotions that is anxiety and depression.
I’ve always known (but don’t always remember) that at the root of my problems is a massive backlog of unexpressed energies. Some of the happiest days of my life in the last decades have been ones where I actually managed to get enough of my shit together to have something to keep me really, really busy.
Whether it was jobs off of UpWork or trying to write a million words in a year or doing 60 seconds of video a day in addition to blogging, I have been the happiest when I have had plenty to do to express my overflowing life force.
I know this… but it doesn’t make it any easier to provide these outlets for myself. Once more, having all the best reasons to do something doesn’t make it any more possible.
Not when you have a motivational logjam that could clog the mighty Mississippi.
Nothing can get through. I feel the impetus to action trying to actually motivate me. And I feel that impetus to action straining against that logjam in vain before giving up.
And part of me – the sick part – is happy about that.
Oh good – for a second there it looked like we might have had to do something.
Now let’s go back to this walking coma we call a life.
It might be terrible, but at least it’s predictable!
More after the break.
Infinity isn’t hard to understand. It’s just the opposite of zero.
Why are you so nice all the time?
Because… why would I want to be any other way?
I was asked the question by a fellow furry back in the days of FurryMUCK, and that was the answer I gave. I can’t imagine he found that answer useful, but it was honest.
I get a great deal of joy and pleasure out of being nice. It lets me connect with people the way I like to, and leads to the sort of happy, mutual, warm interactions I love.
Plus it makes people like me, and aim good vibes my way, and in return I like them and give them my own happy fluffy vibes.
I mean, what’s not to like?
And for me, it’s not a strain. It’ my natural inclination. If I had my way, I would spend my days being nice and helping people and making the world a better place.
To me, that would be paradise unbound.
It’s not like there is an angry, hostile, seething person who hates “having” to be nice lurking beneath the surface in me.
I have my own demons and sometimes they get too close to the controls for comfort, but for the most part, I really am the sweetie I appear to be.
I say this not to brag about how awesome I am or to make some claim of purity (god forbid – I deeply mistrust purity of all kinds) but just to make a plain statement of who I am and what I am like.
To me, the benefits of being nice are so numerous and the costs so minimal that it is a total no brainer to me. On a purely selfish basis, being nice totally rocks.
But that’s just me. That’s what makes sense given my own character and nature. I do not expect others to follow my path and get to the same place.
I especially don’t want people to try to force themselves into my mold. Do not force yourself to be nicer than you feel. That is no long term solution.
The only use for forcing yourself to be nice is so that you can find the joy in it yourself.
Once you sample the joy of mutual niceness, you won’t have to force yourself to do anything. Niceness will truly be its own reward for you, as it is for me.
But it may take some time. There may be old habits and bad programming you have to defeat in order to free yourself for this new experience.
Be patient. Opening your heart might not work the first time. Or the twenty seventh.
Just remember, when all else fails, lead with love. Approach the world with open arm and an open heart and say “Hello world. I’m so happy to see you. ”
Works wonders, I swear!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.