Feeling cranky today. Irritable. Restless.
While ironically wanting to do nothing BUT rest.
Heh heh. Butt rest.
I have this burning ache all through my muscles that suggests something inflammatory is going on. My teeth ache and my sinuses throb. I feel like every bone in my body is grinding against the ones next to it.
And it all makes me want to scream and stomp and break things like the Hulk.
Cranky Fru smash!
It doesn’t help that my therapy session got canceled today. Doctor Costin’s wife is still in a lot of medical distress and he needed to get her to an x-ray appointment and had no idea how long that would take and so…. etcetera, etcetera, and so on.
So he had call me and cancel. I raised no objections. He’s got enough problems in his life right now without me bitching and being difficult.
Plus because he called around an hour and a half before our appointment, he caught me in the pre-appointment anxiety and dread phase where the upcoming need to focus and think about what I want to talk about and so on is filling me with trepidation and I am fighting my weekly fight against the urge to run run run away like a rabbit with it ass on fire in the first place.
So I was not in the mood to object, really, much to my shame.
Now that it’s all over, I kinda wish I had put up at least a token level of resistance. Enough to feel like I made the world aware that something of value was being taken from me and that was like… bad. Or something.
I dunno, I am still new to this whole asserting my needs and desires thing. I usually just agree to whatever and adapt. It’s how I was raised.
It took finding out that my heart had three serious obstructions that might kill me at any moment to get me to assert myself with the cardiologists.
And even then, it took more than half a year. Mostly because my timidity made it take months for me to work up the nerve to call again.
Maybe I should learn to pretend I am someone worth saving, I dunno.
That’s hard to do when your default coping mechanism is to withdraw. Like a turtle. Sticking around and sticking up for myself is not something I have done much because deep down all I want to do is go back into my shell.
Giving in and giving up on myself is the fastest way to get there.
It’s different if there is a clear oppositional situation. If someone attacks me, then it’s on, motherfuckers, and I will fight like the wounded beast I am.
But that doesn’t happen much in my life. Most people are savvy enough beasts themselves to sense that tangling with me is a very bad idea.
So they give me a wide berth.
It’s not my fault I’m the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.
That and the fact that at least on line I come across as cute and harmless, so how would I ever find myself in conflict?
Once more I wonder if I would be better off being an arrogant, smug asshole.
Probably not. But it soothes me to think about it sometimes.
More after the break.
I suppose I should mention…
…that I’ve been really depressed lately.
It is a factoid that suddenly strikes me as noteworthy.
I tend not to notice or mention when things get bad because my attitude tends to be that I am in this for the long haul and the more attention I pay to my mood, the harder it is for me to jut keep going like I always do.
If that makes any sense.
But that’s no healthy way to cope with my issues. I can see that now. These things only get worse over time when you ignore them. Things grow strange in the dark, after all, and demons grow stronger and develop new powers when neglected.
Eventually they end up running the whole show and your conscious mind is helpless against the forces of evil so thoughtfully given room to grow and expand under the cover of your deliberate ignorance.
Face them or surrender to them. There’s no third option.
It shames me to think of how little of reality I can face and handle. I don’t think of myself as that kind of person, and yet here I am, in full retreat, unable to face the smallest of truths and hiding from reality in the deepest folds of my over-complicated mind.
I see so much and can handle so little. It’s almost funny.
One of my strongest instincts is to hide behind others. To attract and use other people as part of the wall between me and reality.
Shit shit shit…. I have a tight feeling in my chest and my left hand is REALLY asleep.
And now the left side of my face is numb.
I’mma call 911 now.
This could be it. I’ve really fucked up now. All that self-neglect is coming home to roost.
Too bad I was too crazy to have a choice,
Ambulance is on the way. It’s in their hands now.
Further bulletins as events warrant,
They don’t know and they don’t care
Well I didn’t die.
But once more, I went to the ER with something that seemed very serious. lay there liked a good little patient waiting to find out WTF was wrong, and left without them even answering the question.
At least this time, when the ER doc was all, “Good news, you can go home!”, I stood up for myself and said “But what HAPPENED??”
I mean, I went to the ER with the classic “numbness on the left side” symptom of a heart attack or stroke. That seemed kind of important to me.
But once more. my symptoms and indications didn’t match any of the usual things, therefore it didn’t matter what it was, it couldn’t have been important.
At least I got the ER doc to tell me that there was no indication of heart attack or stroke, both of which are rampant in my family’s medical history.
But it pisses me off that they don’t want to know what ACTUALLY happened.
It’s like your car burst into flame one day, and after putting it out you take it to the mechanic, and ask him what happened. And he say, “Oh I don’t know. But i know it wasn’t arson and it’s not on fire NOW, so…. problem solved! Bye!”.
So i am going to call Doc Chao and bitch to HIM about it.
Because I’m the person is happened to, and it was scary AF, and I kind of want to know what happened and whether it’s going to happen again and if next time it will kill me.
Maybe the problem is that I remain so calm and in control in these situations.
I can’t help it. I have the Larry Bertrand Emergency Emotional Override Circuit which cuts in and keeps me cool in emergency situations because that’s how I deal with shit.
Panic never helps.
But perhaps that makes it seem like it’s no big deal to ER personnel too.
Next time I’m going to lose my shit like a cracked out weasel and see how that goes.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.