No, I mean it. Please do.
I caught myself at it again last week : really hurting myself internally out of self-directed rage. Thrusting a dagger of pure rage into the flesh of my soul with a mind clouded by such utter loathing that it’s barely even human any more.
And like last time, I’d like to think that this does not represent how I truly feel about myself . That I don’t hate myself THAT much. That yes, I sometimes get sick and tired of dealing with my own bullshit and frustrated with this truncated and compressed life of mine, but I have at least recovered enough not to hate myself any more.
And maybe that is true of my conscious mind. But there is still a lot of internalized rage going on down below, in the machine works of my mind, and that is something I feel I need to root out and examine.
Clearly, I have a lot more self forgiving to do. I want to give myself all the love and support and compassion and understanding that I never got as a child and that I still desperately need as an adult. I want to hug my sad little robot boy inner child and pour all my love and kindness and warmth into him until it melts his shell away and lets him be human once again.
And I am working on it. I am trying to get strong enough and “real” enough to be able to be the parent I never had to myself. I know I have all that love in me somewhere, so it’s just a matter of having what it takes to bring it where it is needed.
Change is not death.
Love will not destroy me.
I can be a better me without anything of value being lost.
And there are worse things to surrender to than chaos.
This is one of the most adorkably pretentious things I have ever seen.
The sheer un-self-conscious earnestness is delightful to me. Cynical Gen-X pricks like me comb through hundreds of hours of old media looking for shit like this.
What can I say, it’s what makes us happy.
But never in a million years would I want these five young men – especially the bass, whom I totally have the hots for – to hear my laughs.
I have vowed to never pee on the parade(s) of the generations after hours. Their capacity for earnestness is something I treasure and have vowed to protect. I want them to do things with great sincerity and true innocence.
We X’ers sure as fuck can’t.
So go for it, Millennials and Z’s. Dance like nobody’s watching. Write like nobody could possibly have had thoughts this deep before. Start wildly idealistic and impractical businesses you are sure will make you rich and bring you massive clout. Invent dumb dances and fashion trends on TikTok. Be young and bold and foolish. Be proud to be learning things the hard way.
And if you happen to hear some of us Gen X types sniggering in the corner, ignore us.
We only do it because we’re dead inside.
More after the break.
More key battles
So Amazon delivered the new cheap keyboard I will use to replace the really old cheap keyboard today I was using as a replacement for my newer but still old cheap keyboard today, like they said they would.
I was intrigued by it because it says it’s one of these newfangled “mechanical” keyboards and I was keen to find out what in the galloping fuck that meant.
I mean, aren’t they all mechanical? Are there chemical keyboards out there? Energy based keyboards? Metaphorical keyboards
As it turns out, in this context, “mechanical” means “real real springy”, with a pretty stiff action and a heavy duty “click”.
Seems kind of exaggerated and absurd to me. Like they went too far in the other direction. Sure, I like a solid response in my keyboards but not to the point where it feels like the damned thing is fighting me the whole time.
Maybe it will get better once it’s broken in. I dunno.
Anyhoo, so I installed the new keyboard and set the old old keyboard aside, and booted up the ol compubox and typed in my Windows password and… it did not work.
Told me the password was wrong. The same password I’ve typed hundreds of times.
Must have been a typo. So I went back and typed it in more carefully.
Nerp. So I typed it again SUPER carefully.
Nuh-uh. So I typed it in again going slow and saying each letter and number out loud in a tone like a bored kindergarten teacher.
Nope. Tried a few more times, then gave up and swapped back to the old old keyboard from my ancient Lenovo.
Miracle diablu. the exact same password now worked.
So something about my new cheap keyboard was fucking things up. At first I was very WTF but now that I have had time to calm down and think, I have theories.
Of course I have theories.
It could be that the new keyboard’s super stiff action is causing me to double type some of the letters. Or that there’s a fault in the connector causing random alphanumeric garbage to leak into my precious words.
Or it could be aliens.
I mean, I’m not saying that it’s aliens.
But it’s aliens.
All in all, a weird experience. Luckily, I don’t actually need a new keyboard per se. I just bought a new one because I figured this one from the old Lenovo is ancient and who knows how much longer it will last, so I better plan for the future.
But I do want to know WTF the problem is with the new one, so when I have a minute I will swap it back in and see what happens when I try to type with it.
Further bulletins as events warrant.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.