Don’t worry, this probably won’t be as gross as that sounds.
No promises, though.
I’ve been working on teaching my deeper self that whole “exercise is good because it makes us feel better” lesson.
It’s skeptical but open to the idea.
And I am being patient with it. It’s a rather large change from depression’s usual energy miser madness and it takes a lot of time and persistent effort to make a course correction that game-changing.
And the pieces are slowly coming together. I’ll feel all tense and anxious like I am ready to jump out of my skin and think, “Hey, you know what would solve that? Moving. ”
Or I’ll feel really depressed and say to myself, “Try moving around some. It’s not like it can make you feel worse. ”
Or I will visualize exercise as a way of squeezing the toxins from my tense and tortured body and that makes it seem pretty damned good, to be honest.
I’m still not actually doing it much, but ya know, baby steps.
I will get there soon. I can feel my resistance to motion slowly eroding and the idea and the action getting closer together. Soon they will merge.
It’s only a matter of time.
I’m certainly sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want to feel active and engaged and connected to life. I want to want to DO STUFF, and most importantly. then DO SAID STUFF for a change.
That’s the bit I’ve had the most trouble with. I might actually have the desire to get moving. I might even fantasize about being able to just run run run like a stallion in spring and keep on running till I had burned off all my excess energy and could finally truly relax for a while because all my demons are worn out too.
Take that, you fuckers. I used up your fuel supply.
Yes, I might feel that way but I never act on it. Some deep and toxic habit makes me compulsively throttle those instincts with ruthless efficiency and zero mercy.
I think some part of my mind is permanently stuck in “hiding from a predator” mode. Heck, maybe that’s all Avoidant Personality Syndrome really is in the final analysis.
And in that mode, motion and noise are danger and the only safety is in getting as close to total stasis as you can possibly get.
And that’s no way to live. True progress would consist of somehow getting that scared little animal deep inside me to believe that the trouble has passed, the predators are all long gone, and it’s okay to relax and cuddle up in its burrow and go to sleep.
It’s not at all easy to get through to it. It’s buried pretty much all the way down, and so freaked out and panicky – adrenaline at maximum – that even if you can get to it, getting close enough to it to talk is hard and not entirely safe, and even then it won’t listen.
It can’t hear you over its own screaming.
To be honest, I have no ideas what would calm it down. Not money, or at least not just money, that’s for sure.
Could make things a lot worse, in fact. I can imagine myself being a crazy rich person wearing nothing but a ratty bathrobe crouched behind the console of a million dollar security system all alone in a huge mansion because he fired all his servants and doesn’t answer the door for his friends any more either.
Makes me wish I could take that little critter out, put him in my lap, and pet and stroke and love him till he calms down.
Maybe that’s why Fruvous is so cuddly. I dunno.
More after the break.
Bonjour et à Bientôt, Bento!
Decided I felt extra adventurous tonight, so I ordered my meal from a place called Dinesty [1]Dumpling House that I have been meaning to try for ages but could never quite work up the nerve.
If you follow the link, you will see that the menu is not at all “normal” by Western standards, but made mostly of recognizable parts, so once I got over the initial shock i was able to make my choice fairly easily.
Garlic Steak Bento Box. I love garlic, steak, and bento, so it was a no-brainer.
Heck, I even like boxes.
Not sure why I love bento so much. There’s just something about a variety of attractively presented foods, each in their own little compartment, that pleases me enormously.
I find it very appetizing as well.
So let’s go through my bento :
Main dish : garlic steak.
Delish all the way. It’s steak how I like it : in bite sized bits. well cooked enough to taste a little char, and spicy.
In this case, the spice is my beloved GARLIC, and I am flabbergasted to say that for once, something I got from a restaurant was garlicky enough for ME.
It’s perfect, in fact. Strong but not overpowering. Plus the steak bits are resting on some vegetables (green onion and another thing I can’t identify” and it’s pure perfection.
I’d buy a bucket of this if I could.
Side 1 : Tofu cubes in… some kind of puree?
I know, tofu cubes, eww. So soft and slimy and unnatural tasting. But this puree of whatever is quite nice so I can forgive that nasty texture.
I think there’s corn in the puree and some relative of the chili pepper, but the truth is, I honestly have no idea.
Tastes good though, so who cares?
Side 2 : Green vegetable mix
We have light green bits and dark green bits. The light green bits are, I think, celery, and I heart celery. But they don’t look like celery, so they might be green bamboo shoots
The dark green bits are some close relative of spinach. Both are quite tasty and contrast nicely with the spicier dishes.
Side 3 : Some kind of…. egg.
It’s half a boiled egg, that’s for sure.
But the “white” of the egg is green. It’s… a green egg.
Holy shit, someone get me some green ham, stat!
Pretty sure it’s a duck egg from the shape. Well, here goes.
Not bad… a bit too salty for me. Clearly a salted egg, which is a common street food in some parts of the world.
Even considered a dessert by people for whom a red bean paste bun is like chocolate cake. I sometimes wonder what Western desserts tastes like to said people.
My guess is “monstrous and delicious”.
Well this was an excellent little adventure in food. Thanks for letting me share it with you, my patient readers.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
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