Here I am, eating “lunch” at 5 pm.
That means “supper” will be at around 9 pm. That’s the best option given that I will be having my midnight snack three hours later.
I hate it when things get all out of whack like this. But like I have been saying, I keep ending up sleepy when I should be hungry and it throws everything off.
What happens is that I am cruising along along playing my game du jour (Oblivion, currently) and meal time comes around so I stop playing to eat and blog, but find that I am suddenly very sleepy so I end up napping instead.
I normally sleep around 1.5 to 2 hours when I sleep, so just like that, I am off schedule by a couple of hours.
Now imagine that happening for a few meals in a row and you see how quickly things can get completely out of control.
And I suppose that’s the real issue – control. For many years, regular mealtimes were just about the only regularity I could create in my own life, on my own, and in the last year and change that’s all gone to hell too.
Oh well, fuck it. I’m not in charge around here anyhow. I’m just the shmuck who tries to cope with all the bullshit life has thrown on him without completely giving up on everything and lapsing into a coma.
Because that’s the last thing I want to do.
But it’s on the list. Final entry : voluntary catatonia.
Today was Therapy Thursday. It was an okay session. On the one hand, I was fully awake. On the other hand, I did not have a strong sense of what I wanted to talk about so I mostly just rambled.
Rambling can be very useful but my best results come when I go into the session with some sense of how I want to explore a topic or some specific target in mind, even if it’s something I can’t put directly into words.
I wonder if I should start a stream of consciousness podcast on YouTube, Something where I just record myself talking about whatever pops into my head.
It would be like this blog, only even less consumer friendly.
Then again, it would be something people could listen to instead of read without them even having to use Speechify.
And it would be unpredictable as the proverbial fuck because even I would have no idea what the frick I was going to say.
And like this blog, it would be format free, at least at first.
What can I say, I don’t like restrictions. I want to just let things flow.
Like this blog, I might have topics I start with. But knowing me, I wouldn’t be any better at sticking to the point there than here.
What can I say, I don’t do straight lines. Or anything else straight.
So basically, it would be this blog in video format. I guess instead of a word count, I would have a time count.
Ten minutes a day sounds reasonable. Time goes really fast when you are recording video, I have found.
Yeah OK. I will think it over.
Who knows, maybe I will shock the world and actually do it.
It’s not like I’ve got fuck all to lose.
More after the break.
How smart I am
You know, maybe I SHOULD go around showing off how smart I am all the time.
Maybe I need to stop pretending a giant can blend in with the pygmies and Lilliputians if he crouches hard around and instead stretch up to my full regal height and concentrate instead on being the best mental monarch I can.
Or at least find some use for all this spare IQ I got lying around.
I know that on some level, I need to get harder. Tougher. Less sensitive, on a gut level.
I know a good liberal like me is never supposed to wish to be less sensitive, but I am not talking about how sensitive I am to people’s emotions, situations, and stories.
That kind of sensitivity is golden, as far as I am concerned. I would never in a million years sacrifice one iota of my ability to explore the wonders of other people. Their lives, their experiences, their perspectives, their psyches, their souls.
And I only get that through my fine tune emotional sensitivity and the deep and powerful humanism that flows from it.
I understand people, and that is precious beyond words.
No, the sensitivity of which I speak is more the House of Usher kind. It’s being too sensitive to the world around me to the point of finding very simple things overstimulating and leaves me lacking the toughness need to deal with the world.
There’s a reason those who garden wear gloves.
I have known I was too “soft” since I was a child but I have always shied away from getting harder for some reason.
I mean, besides the fact that it will undoubtedly hurt.
I guess I just don’t want part of me to die. That’s what it is going to take, no doubt. That oversensitive outer skin has to die and then dry into a tough outer shell and I have never had the courage to make that sacrifice.
Most people don’t face this crisis, or at least, not as such. There will come a time in their young adult years where they will face their first real test of character and they either find the strength to get up and go to work or class, or lapse into failure.
But I have been so good at avoiding life that I have never faced such a trial.
I mean, I guess there were plenty of days when I really didn’t feel like going to class at Kwantlen or VFS, but that was nothing new.
There’d been days like that for my entire school life. So those days did not feel like a true test of anything. They didn’t make me reach deep and find resources I didn’t know I had, or take more than I thought I could take.
The courses were too damned easy for that too. Le sigh.
I guess when you’re a regal giant, it’s up to you to find the challenges that are big enough to challenge you.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.