Got my Oblivion thing worked out and didn’t lose that much progress after all.
Turned out to be a problem with a mod I installed called Vampire Revolution that makes being a vampire in the game more convenient and fun.
Once I removed said mod, it stopped crashing.
I think it was conflicted with another mod, Necromancy and Lichdom.
So I wanted to be a vampire lich! Is that so wrong?
Apparently the answer is “yes”.
Oh well. I made it through the shitstorm, that’s the important thing, The badness occurred, I got depressed, I wanted to quit and start over, but instead, I stuck with it and overcame the obstacle instead.
Yay for me on that!
Today was Therapy Thursday. Not a great session ’cause I was tired.
Whether it was a legit tired or my subconscious mind pulling some bullshit to sabotage my attempts at self-treatment is impossible to say.
In fact, that’s the case in general. I honestly can’t tell when I am truly tired and when my Avoidant Personality Disorder is just making me feel that way so I can escape life.
Evidence for the latter is that I do often feel a sense of blessed release when I lay down for a nap.
Like phew, thank goodness, I can finally stop dealing with things.
And that’s no way to live.
I want to be stronger. I feel so weak. Like I lack the internal integrity to stand up to even the lightest of breezes and have to collapse and retreat before practically nothing at all.
It makes me feel like I am barely even here. And it doesn’t seem like it’s something I can simply grit my teeth and overcome via sheer force of will.
Which sucks because I’m good at that.
But no, this runs too deep for that. It’s the Wound and it causes me intense mental pain when I do the wrong things.
And by “the wrong things” I mean “practically everything”. Le sigh.
There has to be some way to get strong again.
Making my day worse is that I can’t find my antihistamines.
In fact, I haven’t had any in a couple of days, which means the effect has completely worn off by now and I am sneezing, sniffling, snotty mess. Gah.
THIS JUST IN : Found them. Apparently I put them with my “retired” meds for some reason. Just took one.
Funny how some ads just become a permanent part of your mental landscape, isn’t it?
That dumb ad is stuck in the minds of an entire generation, not just me, and it’s hard to say why. Some subtle oddness about how that famous line is delivered plus the universality of the desire to be “taken away”, I suppose.
Sometimes, a word or phrase (or meme) emerges that fits something so well that it just takes over via a kind of linguistic Darwinism.
This is especially true if the thing is new, or if the new phrase/meme/whatever puts something into words that has a lot of emotional resonance but had not been articulated well before then.
Wow, I forgot to finish this before wandering away
Luckily, I was over wordcount, so no real harm done.
Still, my mind has been wandering more than usual lately. I keep suddenly realizing that I haven’t hear the last 5 mins of the YouTube video I am listening to because my mind wandered on to a related subject, and that’s very unlike me.
And I wandered off without saying goodbye to any of my friends on Tapestries a couple of days ago, which is also quite unlike me.
The last goddamned thing I need right now is to become even more absentminded.
I mean, at some point, it becomes an actual handicap, right?
Guess what everybody, I’m mentally handicapped!
Please act surprised!
I suppose I wouldn’t be the first or last unbalanced genius.
There’s something to be said about the notion that we all get around the same amount of human potential and most people have their spread fairly evenly across their entire character sheet, with a few areas of specialization but no huge outlier abilities, just a general and reliable competence in most things.
But then there’s wacky type weirdos like me who have ALL out character points invested in a couple of categories, like say intellect and creativity in my case, and are way below average in everything else.
I imagine that if you dig around in the biographies of various outsized talents, you will find people who can attest to their general life incompetence.
And historically, there’s been people who “get” this, and are willing to take care of one of these exotic hothouse flowers in order that the world may know their talents.
And that’s not easy. Because we’re not stable. And that turns some of us into dicks.
Maybe even me some day. I mean, I’m a sweet guy with deep empathy and I truly care about people and have a deeply strict moral standard for myself, but that is no guarantee that I am immune to the forces that morally destroy the newly rich and famous, turning them into monsters.
The best I can say is that I am fully aware of the perils and that gives me more a saving roll against that shit than a wide-eyed innocent who expects fame and wealth to be nothing but wonderful forever.
Sorry kid. Life ain’t that kind. The best candy in the world still rots your teeth.
I picture myself being the trying sort of spoiled celebrity who would suddenly realize he’s been a dick to someone and immediately need to gushingly apologize to said person whether they even remember the incident or not.
Better than being an arrogant anus who never apologizes for anything, I guess, but I can imagine it being somewhat exhausting to be around.
I’m basically imagining myself being Dudley more as Arthur from Arthur.
Only with a ton of under-regulated and embarrassingly public homoeroticism.
OK, this is starting to sound pretty damned good.
Bring me wealth and fame, quick!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.