–>

I told Doc Costin (for it is Therapy Thursday) how I had been feeling restless and anxious lately and how just noticing the passage of time would freak me out.

As in, “It’s Tuesday already? AAAAAAAAAH!”

But after yesterday’s adventures in life’s great pageant of fuckery and the time it took to calm back down and for my legs to stop hurting, all that agitation was gone.

Or at least faded to a safe background level.

So remember : exercise, strain, change, movement, and stress are my friends. They make the bad stuff go away. That’s a gooood thing.

Repeat until believed.

More after the break.

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How to stop beating yourself up

Boy would I like to know.

But it always comes back to the same sticking point : it’s take it out on myself or take it out on others and taking it out on others is morally unacceptable to me.

That’s what my Dad (RIP) did and it poisoned my childhood. No thanks.

But wait, this is another of depression’s false binaries. Who says anyone has to get beat up? The aggression is just a symptom of frustrated energies screaming to be released.

I mean sure, I have a lot of pain inside as well. Hurt that has gone unprocessed for a very long time. I got massive underground silos full of that shit.

But expressing that doesn’t necessarily require a victim either. That’s some seriously broken zero some thinking. It can be expressed abstractly, say through my writing, or through some sort of aggression adjacent physical activity like martial arts.

Well okay. I’m 48 and frail as fuck. So maybe not martial arts. Not in the “contact sport” sense, that’s for sure.

And my reflexes are way too slow for eSports. Hmmmm.

That just leaves arguing with people on Reddit.

There are worse hobbies. Presumably.

My point{{2}} is that there are healthy, morally acceptable ways for me to wring all those toxic repressed emotions out of this sorry sack of protoplasm I call my body and that I should never believe my emotions when they tell me that I am trapped, that I have no choice, or that there’s no way out.

There’s always another choice if you can free your mind to see it.

Get this big bad brain of mine busy working for my benefit for a change instead of coming up with new ways to undermine my efforts in order to maintain the status quo.

Because the status quo sucks.

Fuck stability, predictability, and the illusion of control. They are quite literally killing me. It’s going to take walking through troubled lands to get to my happy place and that is going to take forsaking the safety of my impoverished homeland to face the big bad world and seek what I need from it.

After all, it’s not like it’s looking for ME.

Or if it is, it’s really bad at it.

I’m right here, for fuck’s sake!

This is all starting to sound like the classic hero’s journey adventure story, isn’t it? I have to leave my comfort zone to see the one thing that can save me and my people from the horrible monster that has been terrorizing us for so long.

A monster…. called Depression! *dramatic musical sting!* *evil laughter*

Alright, that’s enough blogging for me for now. Time to rest.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

[[1]] Hey look everybody, it’s the point! Good to see you, buddy! Long time no see! [[1]]

[[2]] Wait, I have a point? Go figure. Look, I’m as surprised as you are! [[2]]