Somewhat ironically, there’s a lot of deep social context to being a nerd.

One bit of it is the fear we have all had at one point of being outed as a nerd. Or people thinking we’re “weird”. No matter how comfortable in your geekitude you might be right now, odds are that you’ve been in situations where you were trying to pass as “normal”.

And often failing at it to a tragicomic extent.

And even when we are not trying to pass as “normal”, exactly, we often try to hide the extent of our geekiness from people we don’t know and hasten to insure that yes, we’re nerds, but we’re not THAT kind of nerd.

You know the ones. The ones more overtly geeky than us and that we therefore don’t want to be identified with to the mundane public we assume can tell the difference.

So sure, I like anime, but I’m not one of THOSE fans who get into their favorite cosplay as soon as they get home from work and who has a person-sized body pillow of their favorite character they can’t sleep without.

And sure, I like Star Trek, and I did, technically, have a full Klingon wedding, but I’m still not one of those fans who has a Gene Roddenberry shrine in their credenza and will fight anyone who says Kirk was better than Picard.

And yes, I am into My Little Pony, but I am not a “brony” and I don’t have an anatomically correct Rainbow Dash plushie nor do I have thousands of pictures of horse vaginas in my iCloud…. ^[1]

You get the idea. Wow, that was a lot of fun to write.

So even while admitting to our nerdity, we want to assure people that, to put it bluntly, we are “one of the good ones”.

That’s what it’s like to be part of a persecuted and not-necessarily-visible minority. The internalized societal judgment never goes away. Nerdphobia is still a very real thing in the world and we nerds have to develop certain instincts in order to “pass”/

That’s one of the biggest reasons conventions are so important for us. For a few days, we get to be somewhere where we are safe. Where we are all nerds and therefore we can let out geek flag fly without worry of judgment or persecution.

And if there ARE some unenlightened mundanes casting aspersions around, fuck’em, we outnumber them ten to one.

Yeah, fuck around and find out, ASSHOLES!

Now this is how it’s been for my generation. Perhaps things have gotten a lot better since then. The Millennials practically declared themselves an entire generation of nerds (mindboggling to me) , and their kids presumably have even fewer issues.

So God willin’ and the crick don’t rise, maybe us Gen X nerds are the only generation of nerds to have suffered like we do.

We would not be in the least bit surprised.

More after the break.

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Someone else like me

All right, time for some mental gymnastics.

What would I think of someone else like me?

Not completely identical. That would be too freak and gets into issues of indivisibility of identity and so on and that’s not what I am here to talk about tonight.

Just someone in the same circumstances, with the same assets and liabilities, and the same general attributes like gender, IQ, background, etc.

We’ll call him Timmy.

So Timmy is 48 (49 in May), lives off of disability because he’s quite sick both mentally and physically, is both gay and a furry, and spends his days playing video games because he doesn’t have enough sanity to pursue his own self-interest.

Or even have a clear idea what the hell that is.

Timmy had a socially isolated childhood with long friendless patches and a lot of time spent alone with his books, TV shows, and video games.

Timmy is a media based creature.

Being sexually assaulted by a stranger when he was four years old and not going to kindergarten because of his high natural IQ led to serious bullying in elementary school that left him terrified of his fellow humans, especially those his age, and severely stunted his social development.

Being mostly ignored and emotionally neglected at home didn’t help either.

As a result, Timmy is a 48 year old bear of a man who has never supported himself with a job, never been in a relationship, never discovered who he really is, and who in many ways never made it past the age of 12 or so.

He has been officially diagnosed with diabetes, depression, heart disease, and high blood pressure, as well as social anxiety.

Additionally, he has self-diagnosed himself with Avoidant Personality Disorder.

He is a very sick man, no matter how you slice it.

The question is : how do I feel about Timmy? What do I think of him?

What is feel is great sadness and enormous sympathy. I feel so bad for Timmy and the way life has treated him. I want to reach out to him so I can hug him and hold him and protect him and give him a safe place to stay and some solid ground to stand on.

I want to hold him up and be his skeleton and his crutches and whatever else he needs in order to grow tall and strong.

I want to be there for him like no-one has ever been before. He deserves all the love and warmth and good vibes that life and mental illness have denied him, and I desperately want to see him grow and heal and shine for the whole world to see.

I certainly don’t judge him for living in the shadows all these years. What choice did he have with all his problems? I am amazed he has done as well as he has.

More than anything, I love him with all my big bear heart.

I only wish I knew someone like that so I could help them.

Oh wait…. I do…

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.