I really want to break free from this sarcophagus of a life so I can walk in the sunshine, breathe the fresh air, and lead a healthy, wholesome, open life full of joy, meaningful labour and striving, and sex.
Lots and lots of sex.
And I truly want these things.
But I also kinda don’t?
The problem is that I am still lugging this enormous cold weight of illness and madness around with me, and it definitely does NOT want things to change.
It’s against all changes because it wants stability and security above all and to it, that means total stasis.
The exact same stasis I have been in for my entire adult life and has only gotten worse over the years.
It’s about time I faced the facts : I’m not on the road to recovery.
I’m on the road to Hell. Change is coming all right, whether we like it or not. And it is all going to be bad.
I’ll just keep getting sicker and sicker, both physically and mentally, until I end up in the hospital with a tube down my throat and tied down to keep me from clawing at the tube.
That is my clear and certain life trajectory from this point on. And every day I spend doing nothing but play video games all day instead of tearing myself away from them for an hour or two to do something that might make me feel better draws me closer to the Tube Hell of my nightmares.
The only person who can save me from that fate is me. Others can help but they can’t do it all for me.
After all, nobody can save you against your will. And ultimately, nobody can make it happen, either by yourself or (more likely) with a lot of help from others, but you.
So the ball is entirely in my court.
And the sick part of me is going to let me play it OR ELSE.
More after the break.
The war of all against all
Title ref. here.
I have done my best to avoid this but the time has come when the best course of action is to stand back and let it happen.
I have to go to war with myself.
I don’t want to do it. I hate conflict, I hate war, I hate violence. I dig peace, harmony, and good vibrations, man. I’m a uniter, not a divider. I bring people together I don’t tear them away from each other. I truly believe that much of the evil in this world come from the artificial walls we build that keep us from seeing the real humanity in one another and realizing how fragile and flawed we all are.
But there comes a time when even a postmodern hippie like me has to admit that the only path to peace is to let the two sides fight it out.
War is, after all, a form of conflict resolution. It’s the worst one, but it’s still one.
And it’s all I have left.
So this is it : I, the healthy majority of my mind, aka the real Michael Bertrand, hereby declare true and total war against the unhealthy minority of my mind.
And I am prepared to win this war by any means necessary.
One way or another, I will drive this evil imposter from my mind and consign it to the oblivion of nonbeing forever more.
You are not me, you son of a bitch. You are a malign invader and shall be treated as such until you are driven out of our fair land.
A cleansing fire, like a holy fever, will burn you from my mind, and brother, you’d better not underestimate how hot I am willing to let things get in order to sweat you out.
No more trying to hear what you’re trying to tell me. You had your chance. Now I don’t give a shit any more. You have to GO.
No more worrying about becoming a less “nice” person – trust me , I have plenty of niceness to spare. More than enough to lose some in the name of destroying you.
No more letting you drive some of the time. Fuck that. I am the real me and from now o n I am the only one who is in control.
Throw all the pain, fear, confusion, and anxiety you want at me you want. I will eat it up and ask for more.
Because I’m the one who is real, not you. You are nothing but the pale shadow of an infectious disease, and will cease to exist when I snuff out your light.
One of us has to go and it sure as fuck ain’t gonna be me.
Feel that heat? That’s my hply flame coming for you.
You better get out if you don’t want to burn.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.