So I’ve got a toothache.
It’s in a tooth in the upper right quadrant of my mouth and it feels pretty bad. I can feel the pain right in the root of the tooth. And it throbs.
Right now, the pain is not that bad. I can ignore it when I am not eating. But there is no guarantee it will stay that way.
If anything, it seems to be getting worse, as is the feeling of pressure inside the tooth. Pretty soon, the damned thing might just pop.
It’s happened before. I am down like four teeth which have either fully or partially broken off or just plain fallen out.
Why? Because I never brush my teeth.
Why’s that? Depression.
So I might have to go to a dentist soon, either because the tooth went kablooey or the pain got too intense to endure.
And I don’t want to go to the dentist. And not just for the usual reasons.
It’s also because my teeth make dentists sad.
Because besides the predictable effects of total dental neglect and a diet high in popcorn, there is also a deeper issue with the very structure of my teeth caused by my parents’ decision to not get me braces even after the dentist made an impassioned plea that included the fact that without the braces, my teeth might start falling out later in life and I might even face life threatening issues with my skull.
To which my dear sweet sainted mother just blinked and said, “We can’t afford that!” then we left and it was never spoken of again.
Told you they didn’t value me at all.
As a result of the horror show in my mouth, I am very ashamed of my teeth and don’t want to show them to a dentist or a dental hygienist at all.
And for someone as avoidant as me, that sort of shame is a powerful deterrent. As a result, I have not been to the dentist in over a decade.
But I will go if I must.
I might yet avoid that fate. The tooth might just snap off without blood or trauma like has happened before. It might turn out that a major release of sinus pressure is enough to relieve the pain, or the removal of a particularly nasty popcorn hull might do it.
But if things do take a turn for the worst, the first place I am going to go is the ER.
My teeth won’t make THEM sad.
All too adaptable
There are times when you should adapt to changing circumstances and times when you should fight the change and fix the problem causing it.
I only do the first part.
Take my keyboard issues. I am typing these words via mouse clicking on a virtual keyboard specifically because instead of fighting to get the issue resolved, I just got used to click-typing.
Absurd. Ridiculous. Totally unacceptable. Should be intolerable .
But it ain’t.
Whatever is supposed to make me rise up in indignation and keep on attacking the problem until I solve it doesn’t fucking work.
More after the break.
All too adaptable (cont)
It’s all part of a lifelong pattern of a lack of vitality on my part.
I have always been weak and timid on my own behalf. I will fight like a lion for others, but for myself all my motivation dribbles right out of me like my motivation bucket leaks.
And I don’t want to be this way. I know that the fires of desire and ambition burn within me. I can feel them desperately trying to reach out towards all the good stuff that the world has to offer only to have those tender feelers brutally chopped off by the merciless Gestapo that is my depression.
I could do so many wonderful things with my gifts if the clouds of depression weren’t in my way all the time.
I am something truly magnificent. My creativity and intellect are unparalleled, as are my inner vision and insight. I therefore command vast powers and can perform miracles.
Yet here I am living this crummy filthy pathetic life.
It’s not fair. I deserve to be up there making the big bucks with the movers and shakers of the entertainment world. I should be living like Shonda Rimes and Chuck Lorre.
I could totally create hit shows everyone would love if given the chance.
But no, I am stuck in this tomb of fear, buried alive in my own mind, my tiny supply of motivation and drive eaten up by a video game addiction.
It’s not fair and it’s not right. All this potential going to waste just because I’m mentally ill.
Being crazy sucks;
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.