i know one thing – I am sure as fuck sick of always being hemmed in by fear.
Did the Therapy Thursday thing today. Not a great session. My fault – I didn’t have a lot to say. Kinda drew a blank.
Did talk about my anxiety a bit. We decided what I keep calling my paranoia is more like what we now call hyper-vigilance.
After all, it’s not like I think someone is out to get me. Other than life itself.
Whatever you call it, it results in my not being able to sleep properly because even in my sleep, my mind is always racing around like a hyperactivity puppy trying to find the danger it can smell but not see.
So the fear that keeps me from entering the land of the living is not just a suit of leaden armor or the deathly dark cold of midnight tundra.
It’s also the howling unceasing winds of anxiety constant pushing me around. It’s the hyper-vigilance that makes it impossible to truly relax .
It’s that scared little animal inside me that refuses to ever accept that it is safe.
Because then I would let my guard down and that’s when they GET you.
To be honest, I am beginning to wonder if I wouldn’t be better off just letting them HAVE me already just to get it over with.
Not that there’s anyone there in the first place.
Well I am all out of brain calories. Time for a nap.
More after the break.
Brain calories restored
Well, in the process of being restored, anyhow.
Another thing I discussed with Doc Costin today was sleep. Mine has been pretty low quality ever since I left the hospital, and that was two months ago.
Doesn’t feel like it was that long ago. But calendars don’t lie.
Anyhow, sleep. The discussion helped me de-normalize the strung out yet also tense way I usually feel.
Because this feeling is not normal. I’ve just gotten used to it. It’s been there for a really long time, too. So long that I can’t remember when it started.
It could be decades ago for all I know.
This is clearly unacceptable. We biological life forms need our sleep and the broken, shallow sleep ain’t cutting it.
So I am going to try Zopiclone again. It worked quite well for me when I was in the hospital. I got some very good sleep there, ironically enough.
But when I tried the same cocktail of Zopiclone, naproxen, and acetaminophen when I got home, I got the usual “full speed into a brick wall” response where my brain tries to catch up on all those missed REMs all at once and in doing so burns out my brain and leaves me feeling like a blown fuse.
In other words, crappy. And it’s very hard to talk myself into doing something you know will have that effect, even if you know it’ll make you feel a lot better in the long run.
Hopefully taking only half a pill will ameliorate that effect.
Can’t do it tonight, got Wound Care in the AM and so I can’t afford to be all fucked up by overloaded sleep when I go.
That would suck.
But tomorrow night for sure. Then I will have all of Saturday to recover.
Life is so damned hard.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.