In other words, cranky.
Yes, I am feeling rather cranky at the moment. I was doing OK until I got up to get my lunch together, whereupon :
- My legs began to hurt immediately, as opposed to my getting a grace period first like I usually do
- I realized that for some reason, I had brought my food bowl out to the kitchen with me completely unnecessarily and now I had to bring it back
- I also realized that while I had gotten dressed just for the heck of it. I had forgotten to put on a belt, meaning I now had to dedicate one hand to holding my pants up
So there I was, in pain, holding up my pants with one hand and holding a completely superfluous bowl in the other.
Damn right I’m cranky. Son of a bitch.
Oh well. I actually think getting good and ornery now and then is good for me. Gets my blood pumping and my respiration rate up.
More fundamentally, it puts me in touch, however painfully, with the hot raw and powerful emotions of my deeply neglected id.
And I need that id energy badly. It’s the only cure for all this coldness inside me. I need to dig down through all those layers of permafrost and dead scar tissue till I unearth the deep rich river of life energy that is my true self, namely my id.
So fuck my reason. It’s broken, ignorant, and corrupt, and therefore completely untrustworthy. Fuck my superego too. It’s malign and toxic and a compulsive liar.
Only the id truly tells the truth. Ergo only it can be trusted.
The rest I will still use – I’d be a howling lunatic without them.
But I will be keeping them on a very short leash.
More after the break.
The dastardly duo, part 2
Then again, who’s telling me that I’d go barking mad without my reason and my superego? They do, that’s who!
But they know they have me there. As much as the id is our true, core self – the person we were before we even knew our name – the truth is that without our reason and our superego, we are little more than exceptionally bright monkeys.
So it’s not like I can just jettison them, faulty and corrupt and toxic as they may be.
They must, instead, be purified. (Scary sounding, n’est pas?)
I have to use my metaconscious mind to capture and correct all my bad wiring and dishonest logic circuits and all those dusty tapes taking up room in my head.
Eventually, I will need to go out into the world and make new tapes. Ones full of memories of happy, positive social interaction.
Ones to replace the bad ones from over 40 years ago.
A lot has happened since then.
But I am not there yet. I’m closer than I have ever been and determined to keep fight my way through against the gale, but I am not there yet.
I think it’s high time that I let myself out of this goddamned box.
I was never really trapped in there in the first place.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.