So yesterday, at something like 10 am, I had a sort of attack.
Remember that pain I have mentioned before? The one that goes from somewhere near my bladder down to my right testicle and then further down my right leg?
It hadn’t made an appearance in quite some time. But apparently it spent that time building up momentum because it came back HARD.
So now I feel like I got kicked in the testicle by a horse, there’s a burning ache hovering over my bladder like an evil spirit, and worst of all there’s a spot in the flesh of my right inner thigh that feels like a bomb went off inside it.
Because I live only to suffer.
I just got up and got lunch. That was a horrible fucking experience. All three of my pains hated that. But I made it back here with my food, which was (ha ha) futile because the trauma to my testicle has left me far. far too nauseous to eat.
Gosh, life sure is funny sometimes, isn’t it?
And of course, I know that I should probably be taking this latest body horror to the ER. But I ain’t gonna. Not yet, anyway.
Forgive me for not wanting to volunteer to bring my swollen testicle to the ER. Not only is that humiliating, they would of course need to poke and prod at it, and that would be extremely painful and sickening to me right now.
So right now, I am just going to sit on the problem (ouch!) and hope it goes away on its own. It seems like it’s going away on its own, though that might be wishful thinking.
Hell, it’s hard just sitting here at the computer, typing.
Why does life hate me? I’m such a pleasant fellow.
The diagnosis continues
More thoughts on Asperger’s and me.
There’s some Aspie traits I don’t have. Like I don’t love routine and predictability. In fact, I have a hard time establishing and maintaining any kind of routine.
I need some predictability in my life, obviously, I tried the whole “eat when you’re hungry, drink when you’re thirsty, sleep when you’re tired” thing and it ended up making me very sick.
So much for “listening to your body”. Turns out my body’s an idiot.
But I generally can’t generate my own routine. I cn only adapt to external circumstances, like the need to go to school or a doctor’s appointment or something.
So that’s an unchecked box.
But even less checked is the box marked “fond of rules and structure”.
Like hell I am.
I am a natural rebel and I instinctively avoid rules rich environments. There’s a reason I have never considered a military career, for fuck’s sake.
That isn’t a brag. If I had my druthers, I would dial that shit back a fair bit.
But it’s the personality I’m stuck with, and it’s not very Aspie at all.
Well, no diagnosis is perfect. I still think I have the Syndrome, but possibly not as severe a case as some.
Wow. I guess I really AM high functioning.
More after the break.
It gets better
The pains have faded. They are on the way out.
Disappearing as mysteriously as they appeared, of course. Typical. Oh well, beats the hell out of being stuck with it.
I wonder if it’s going to turn out that I have one of those mysterious diseases like shingles or MS or lupus. The kind of illness that can manifest as a dozen different illnesses and fuck with whatever part of your body it wants to based on its whim.
I sure as suck hope not. I had a distant relative with lupus and her life was hell. Never knew what horrors were in store for her, poor dear.
I must confess that when I heard she had died, I was kind of relieved.
Made an appointment to see Doctor Chao about all my recent health craziness. An increase in leg pain and back pain. Attacks of medium level flu-ish symptoms that last a day or two. Lots of weird random sharp pains.
And, ya know, the fact that he still doesn’t know why my legs don’t work.
It pisses me off that I keep having to remind him about that.
Him and the nice folks in Richmond Hospital. It’s like they lack object permanence. Or in this case, condition persistence.
If it’s not in their face barking for attention, it doesn’t exist.
And being a sane and cynical person, I honestly should stop expecting it of them. I should evaluate every doctor’s visit or trip to the goddamned ER in terms of whether there is enough data to hold their attention and if not, plan the next visit right then.
Because the most effective way to combat people’s “out of sight , out of mind” mentality is to refuse to vanish from sight. Keep coming back. Make yourself a persistent recurring phenomenon so you can shift the path of least resistance in your favour.
Make it easier to just give you what you want so you’ll go away.
And of course, at all times be pleasant and polite. Give them no excuse to reject you and pretend like their lack of performance is somehow your fault.
I hate that it’s come to this level of petty social manipulation but my life and my non-goober status are on the line here so I will do whatever the fuck it takes to correct for people’s atrocious incompetence and lack of professionalism.
I guess you can’t have faith in any kind of authority any more. Even doctors don’t want the responsibility of being an authority in your life, and that’s their fucking job.
I have actually had Doctor Chao look at me like I should have the answer.
Admittedly, that might be because I have a very strong presence and personality as well as an effortlessly dominating intellect.
Hmmmm. Maybe I would be better off trying to be more of an alpha stud.
If the only way to get people to behave properly is to dominate them, it might be worth taking on that much responsibility.
But I don’t wanna.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.