Turns out good things can happen even to urban hermits like me!

I was hanging with the fuzzies on Tapestries and we were talking about VR games. I said that I was eager to try home VR but that I would have to upgrade my PC’s GPU (graphics card) first.

Then a fur named Jaekob said that he was about to upgrade his PC, and that I could have his old GPU if I wanted it!!!!(!!!)!

Um, HELL yeah.

And I don’t know him all that well. I mean, we hang out in the same place a lot, but we’ve never been close. We exchange greetings and that’s about it.

Guess he’s just a sweetie!

So I messaged him my shipping details and I guess he’s gonna do it. Don’t know when, but it gives me something big to look forward to and that’s the important thing.

Those sorts of things do a great deal to help my mood. Often I am going through life in a thick grey fog of frozen despair, with no vision of my future besides doom.

Not necessary a specific doom. Sometimes just a general sense of things getting worse until I finally die.

There are, of course, pesky details to look after. The power supply in my PC might not be powerful enough.

Big deal. I can buy a beefier one.

Probably end up buying it from whatever computer shop I will be paying to install it. My acquaintance Tsuna (who is not a fish) tried to convince me that I could install it myself without any trouble, and sent me a link to a YouTube tutorial.

I just smiled and thanked them knowing there was absolutely no chance I would be doing that. I don’t deal with the insides of the computer. Like, ever.

Call it a phobia. I know that things are not that complicated in there and that putting a PC together these days is no more complex than assembling a component stereo, and I have done that before.

Nevertheless, I feel like the second I try to insert something like a GPU into my computer, my spazzy clumsiness will kick in and I’ll end up jamming it in upside down and then bending it in half.

You laugh but that is literally what I am imagining when I think about it.

So I will happily pay someone to do it. Heck, I will use some of the money I have been saving up to buy a new PC to do it.

Might get myself a snazzy new monitor too. Though I should probably upgrade the main CPU first. Priorities and all.

I will get a new PC by degrees!

So yeah. Good things can come even to people like me whose mental illness drives them to hide from the world in order to stay out of its way and not be noticed.

I’m the sort of person to shout, “Hey everybody, look at me!” and then when everyone looks at me go “eek!” and disappear down a manhole.

What I’m saying is I’m complicated.

More after the break.

One little oops

Published after writing only the first half. Oops. Sorry, folks!

Look at it as getting two mini-entries for the price of one!

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The long grey dawn

In a sleepy phase. My world is soft and hazy and dopey right now.

And that’s okay, I guess. Just means I got more sleeping to do once I finish with my blogging and noshing.

Bloshing? Eh, nah.

Of course, I will eventually get restless and want to fight the sleepiness. This is an inevitable part of the process for me. No point in trying to fight it.

And this is a problem of my own engineer because I tried an experiment : taking two Gabapentin before going to bed.

Seems to have worked quite well. I slept for around four solid hours this morning,

Boffo. I’ve been down to, at best, one and a half hours of sleep per “nap” – are they still naps when they are the only form of sleep you get?

Regardless, four hours is progress. I have buried my shovel into the backlog of REM sleep and starter to shovel it into my brain’s incinerator/engine.

Wow. Just went on a five minute mental meander. Totally lost focus on the fact that I was doing something. Now I am back.

Unsurprisingly, all I really wanne do is have some fun go back to sleep. But I have many words to go before then – 257 or so, in fact.

Well here we go.

Not much going on besides a generous gift from a fuzzy acquaintance. My sleepy days tend to be even lower on event content than my usual dull days of dreary doldrum.

Man, my head feels like I am on a slow moving but VERY heavy merry go round and I can only get some blogging done when I am grasping the brass ring.

So, not that often. It’s growing tiresome.

I know it’s pointless top try to nail my consciousness to one spot when it’s like this though. This wheel is not mine to stop. This is a process that is going to continue whether I approve of it or not.

Beats me what it accomplishes. But I trust that my body and brain know.

Returned another game. Dammit. I have got to break this cycle of purchase, trial, and return. It’s grating on my nerves.

Every single time, I get around 90 minutes of playtime in and the doubts seize me as the deadline for return goes near.

And to my fear soaked mind, returning the game for a refund seems like the “safer” alternative because it escapes commitment.

I have seriously been trying to spend the same $60 on steam for like a month.

I tell myself that the right game will “grab” me and there will be no doubt as to whether or not I want to keep it.

And that’s been true in the past. But it sounds a tad romantic, doesn’t it? Like I am trying to justify a spate of serial monogamy.

“Sure I’ve been through a lot of relationships lately, but I am positive that when the right man comes along he’ll sweep me off my feet and take me away with him and I won’t have the urge to wander ever again!”

Like I said, it’s been true in the past.

But seems like a shaky thing to tie one’s hopes to.

Why do I always have to be so goddamned realistic?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.