There was a delay in actually getting to the blogging today – and we all know how much I love it when THAT happens.
I hate it when something interrupts the process in between my deciding to write and actually getting to write.
It’s like I have summoned up the creative energies and I am ready to begin casting my spell when suddenly I have to shut it all down and wait.
It’s like the creative equivalent of blue balls.
It’s my own fault, though. Turns out that “500 Internal Server Error” I was getting was Fatcow, my web host’s, unhelpful way of saying it was time for me to pay for my account for another year.
When the nice fellow on the text chat told me the problem was that I had not purchased any hosting for my account, I had one of my “bad moments”.
But… but I’ve been a loyal customer for over a decade!
Yes, my first reaction was to somehow construe it as a personal rejection.
But then I got hold of myself and realized what happened and put in my current credit card info and now I am all paid up.
Cost me $115 CDN, yowch, but that’s for another whole year.
And then, after paying, I was still getting the same error. But the text tech went away and did something, and obviously it is now working.
The only lingering problem is that I have already used up half an hour of my “up” time as well as been through some stress and aggravation so my internal resources were partially depleted before I even started writing.
As a result, I get the feeling I won’t make it to 500 words this session. I will give it my best try but there is only so long I can be “up” before my back starts to hurt, especially if I am exerting my mind like I do when I write, so who knows where I will end up.
Whatever man. It’s all good.
Still have that “heavy gates” feeling in my soul, although today it feels more downbeat and contemplative. I’ve been watching/listening to some fairly heavy YouTube videos and that’s put me in a ponderously pondering kind of mood.
I’ve been sampling the works of a channel called Then and Now, where this Irish dude does these remarkably well researched and in depth takes on impressively ambitious topics like “The Invention of Personal Responsibility” and “The Age of Anger”.
That first one was pretty good but it had a very clear bias towards countering the bullshit conservatives spew about “personal responsibility” (of which they bear none) and I was hoping for a more in depth look at the history of the concept.
Because I consider it one of the foundational ideas of all our liberal democracies. It opened the door to personal, individual rights and responsibilities and without those, the individual vote of an individual citizen could not even be conceived.
But oh well. The fact that he didn’t do it the way I wanted doesn’t mean he did it wrong.
You hear that, fellow nerds??
More after the break.
Another late part 2
Slept when I should have neem eating again. Hence, another “supper” at 10:30 pm.
Fuck it. Whatever. I’ll blog and I’ll eat and by tomorrow it won’t make any damned difference whether I ate at the “right” time or not.
So fuck you, self-judgement. Who cares what you rhink, you’re crooked and crazy and treat me like an enemy anyhow.
I did what I could.
I spent a lot of time “floating” today.
That’s what I call it when I hang out at the edge of sleep. I am almost asleep – I’m laying down, my eyes are closed, I am deeply relaxed, I’m not taking in sensory input from my environment any more – but I never make that final move into sleep.
I think I enter that state so my mind can finish a buttload of thoughts and hence get caught up on my consciousness’s back orders (so to speak) when I have a lot on my mind and have been overstimulating my poor ol noggin and it just needs a period where it doesn’t have to process any inputs and yet I remain awake enough to process thoughts and emotions.
That’s why I usually feel better afterwards even though I did not actually sleep.
It’s damned near sleep anyhow. Like I said, it’s the edge of sleep. I get the same feeling of skipping ahead in time and it would be a stretch to say I was fully conscious during it.
I know the difference between that and real sleep might seem academic to some. But trust me when I say that it’s not sleep. It’s its own thing entirely.
Kinda like a trance, I suppose.
Anyhow, did that for around three hours total today. And while it does lighten the load on my mind, it also leaves me feeling alienated and out of sync with the world.
Like I just came down from a drug trip and reality doesn’t seem real yet.
And for some deeply strange reason, I always feel guilty, too. Like I did something shameful and wrong on a “peed your pants in public” level.
On that level but not involving that kind of same, I must add.
I end up feeling like I wasted time in some deep way. Compared to what, I have no idea.
The sad truth is that “floating” was probably the most productive thing I did all day.
So I don’t know what the hell I’m ashamed of. That’s got to be some pretty deep brain level shit going on there, because me, the conscious mind, doesn’t understand it at all.
Perhaps the deep “inner toddler” level of my mind the expression of all those thoughts so fast is akin to an act of elimination.
It’s the same sort of shame I feel when I write something really dark and/or sad.
Yeah. I can see the parallels, Unburdening oneself.
Man, that is severely fucked up. Feeling shame for catharsis.
I have so much to untangle in this twisted mind of mine.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.