So once more, I am just back from the kitchen with my lunch and ready to dig in to the day’s blogging when oops. slip of the mouse causes it to slide upward and tap the power cord for Mister Computer here, causing it to reboot.
Argh. This keeps happening lately and my nerves can be seen fraying in realtime. For some reason, I can go months and months without it happening at all, then some tiny invisible barrier in my mind fails and it happens like two or three times a day for a while.
It fucking sucks.
But hey, all I have to do is wait until the system reboots. That’s what, ten mins? Fifteen tops? Big deal.
Ah, so young, so naïve. The true fuckery had yet to begin.
There was only one force that could make this experience worse, and that very fact made it manifest : a Windows update had downloaded.
So now I had to wait way more time as Windows installed some stuff, rebooted, then did it all again a couple more times.
Meanwhile I am dealing with how pissed off I am. The reboot itself had ignited me. The update was just another twisted of the knife.
Like I said, this has been happening a lot lately, so the frustration has been building. It’s especially bad when I am sitting down to blog because in my mind I am already gearing up to write and framing up what I want to talk about and all that good stuff.
It wouldn’t be true to say I don’t prepare for writing these daily massives.
I just don’t write anything down.
As one might imagine, this is a tender and delicate process, and so to have it rudely and unexpectedly interrupted like that really fucking hurts.,
It’s like being awoken from a very pleasant dream by being stabbed.
Speaking of which, The Pains (bladder, balls, and deep thigh tissue) are still here. They are faint, a mere shadow of what they were yesterday, but they are still hanging around.
The testicular tingles in particular were still enough of a problem that I didn’t make it to Wound Care this morning. I still get a fair bit of pain when I get up and move around, and with that pain comes that particularly distressing kind of nausea known to all male mammals who have experienced testicular trauma.
For example, when as mentioned above I sat down with my food to blog today, I was feeling a lot of pain and nausea from my poor little change purse area.
So the sudden extended reboot at least gave me lots of time to recover from THAT.
The nut based nausea has kept my appetite pretty low lately too. I’ve had to force myself to eat a couple times, and that’s always awful.
One more strike again the idea of “listening to your body”.
But really, what does a corpse know about how you should live your life?
Not much, I reckon.
More after the break.
One more segment
Well, here I am again, typing away.
Managed to get some halfways decent sleep, and that’s helped a fair bit. I feel more human now. I still need a lot more but it’s a good start.
Sleep has been especially tricky for me lately. I’ve had this feeling of restless agitation and unfocused anticipation haunting me for almost a week now, and it’s giving me that all too familiar “haunted” feeling.
Like I’m beset by some disquieted spirit who is struggling to understand the fact that it is dead yet still around.
I must admit, my depression has gotten worse lately. Well, more severe, any how.
I think I have opened some doors in my mind that desperately needed to be opened if I am to recover but there was some genuinely dark shit locked behind them and now I have to process it.
Which is all for the good in the long term. Unearthing buried trauma so you can finish processing it is more or less what traditional therapy is all about.
Take that, CBT!
And I am going to keep opening those doors no matter what. I have known for quite some time that the path out of my darkness leads much further into it and that if I want to get out of my dank little grotto I am going to have to get a lot closer to the edge of my ledge than I am normally comfortable with.
This, I can live with. I don’t mind wrestling with the darkness. It and I are old friends and I have a lot of experience fighting it.
And I know – and it knows – that it can’t win. I’m the Prime Mover, the one with volition, the one who decides it all. And my will to fight is unstoppable.
I’m the Juggernaut, bitch. And you’re just a phantom of the mind.
Granted, this is a new, higher level darkness. As I open up space in my mind, my emotional bandwidth increases as does my emotional sensitivity.
So I feel more now. Some of that terrible numbness is gone and parts of my mind are waking up and, like when your hand has fallen asleep and you’re rubbing it awake again, parts waking up from numbness tend to wake up cranky.
Well, crank all you want, parts. I’ve gotten a taste of feeling more alikve and more like myself, and I want more. Being able to access my emotions more is a blessing, even when some of them are quite unpleasant.
Feeling something is better than feeling nothing. I’ve had my fill of “nothing” and now I want my internal world to be warm and comfortable instead of icy cold and dreary.
I was never meant to be like this. I was meant to be bold and big and outrageous. I was meant to fill the world with my presence and light up people’s lives. I should be walking the world like a giant, not hiding from the light like a parasite.
And I am going to get there no matter what it takes.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.