Got to talking about that big ol Wound at the center of my mind during Therapy Thursday with Doctor Costin today.
You know, the one from when I was raped as a toddler.
I was telling him about how it’s pretty much my main problem and that everything else that I struggle with is just set dressing compared to it.
He, intelligently, asked me what I can do about it.
At first I said I don’t know. But then the penny dropped, so to speak, and I said, “I think the only thing I can do about it is bring my mind back to it over and over again in order to slowly drain the pain away by feeling a little of it at a time.
Like taking little sips of a nasty tasty medicine.
I wish I had the option to just down the whole thing and get it over with, and maybe I will get there when I reach some kind of tipping point where I have drained enough of the pain that the rest can come free as a single mass.
Or maybe not. I might have to just keep sipping away because the trauma is still too big and too intense and too horrible for my mind to handle all at once.
Either way, I am determined to get it done.
Because it really is my major injury. It’s the part of me that hurts so bad and causes so much primal fear when I try to get moving to get things done.
It’s like a host of clawing, shrieking, lunatic spirits rise up to fill my mind.
And I feel like I have finally excavated enough of the surface debris all that pain has been buried under to finally get a good look at it and feel its weight.
It’s still a massive tumour of trauma at the core of my being but the more I look at it, spend time with it, and do my best to experience it, the smaller it gets.
We also discussed the idea that I need to go way, way back to the person I was before the rape in order to (in a sense) start over.
And seeing as I was only 4 years old at the time, that’s a long strange trip indeed.
But I can remember what a bright, charismatic, precocious little charmer I was back then. And that gives me some kind of starting point for the new me.
I have a pretty clear idea of what a healthy me would be like.
But getting there is going to be so hard.
If I am to make it there, I’ll have to give myself permission to fail – but not to give up.
Failing in this case means to collapse under the sheer weight of the undertaking. It’s to get too tired to continue. It’s to flare out and crash.
But giving up would mean not getting right back on my feet and returning to the fight the moment I have recovered. And further, it would mean not pouring my all into recovering because it’s easier to just lay there all “helpless”.
Yeah, bullshit. You’re not helpless. You’re just not willing to do what it takes.
I know that I can be strong, and brave, and tough. But it’s going to hurt, at least at first, and I accept that.
Being afraid of pain is normal. Letting that fear keep you from growing up is not. Healthy people are lucky enough not to realize they have a choice and so they instinctively self-actualize and what do you know, they turn out fine.
But us “clever” types fight it all the way.
And that’s how we end up 51 year old losers who never grew up at all.
More after the break
The final wave
Well fuck. I think our microwave just died.
I was nuking myself a baked potato (or well…. a nuked potato, technically) when all of a sudden the whole unit went dark.
And now it will not come on. I fear the worst.
i was not able to unplug it and plug it back in because I honestly don’t know where the dang thing is plugged in. I can only surmise that it’s plugged in the same socket as the fridge, and that’s (obviously) behind the fridge somewhere and there is no chance that I will be able to get at it with my physical limitations.
So for all I know, it might be the socket that blew out, not the microwave, and that would be better provided there’s someplace else to plug it in.
It was so sudden! And I hate surprises. So I am kind of shaken up at the moment.
It could also be something as simple as a fuse being blown or a circuit breaker tripped, in which case it could be quite easy to fix.
It does seem like a power issue.
Part of why I’m all shook up is because that microwave is the only thing I ever use to cook. WIthout it. I can’t cook a thing.
Not even my beloved microwave popcorn!
That’s going to really throw off my routine and my diet. Which means that if the dang thing really IS broken forever, we’ll need to replace it ASAP.
I suppose it’s possible that it is still under warranty. My memory is fairly fuzzy about how long ego we bought this one.
But I think it was like three years ago, in which case, um, nope, it’s our problem.
If the only solution is to buy a new one, then Julian and I will have to come up with the money to do so. According to a quick Amazon.ca search, we should be able to get a basic model for around $80-$120, and we certainly don’t need any fancy features.
Hell, we could probably get a beat up old used one from Value Village, but um, that’s one appliance I have to insists upon getting new.
Seeing as we just had one keel over dead for no good reason. And ya know…. I would hate to get an old one that….. leaks. Yikes.
I can come up with $60 without too much of a problem. Expenses suddenly decloaking really sucks, but that’s life for ya.
I wonder if we could afford one of those convection ones that you can also use like a normal oven to bake things.
That would be awesome. I could bake again!
Oh, and of course, this happened right after my tablet died, too.
Makes me afraid to play with myself.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.