We don’t get along.
That’s why I still haven’t looked for a job on FlexJobs after that first day. And that’s despite the fact that I signed up for a paid account and everything.
But after the enthusiasm of that first day wore off, and despite my swearing to myself that I was not going to let that happen this time, a thick scab of aversion immediately formed in my mind and it became yet another thing I “should” do and therefore don’t.
Wishing for opportunities is easy. Acting on them is hard. Because acting on them requires actually facing and dealing with reality and I…. can’t.
Well, I have a lot of trouble doing it, anyhow.
And then there’s this place. It’s a platform where I could publish this blog and charge people whatever I saw fit for them to subscribe to it and the platform, Notd (sic), would only take 10 percent of that cash for themselves and I would keep the rest.
Wow, what a great opportunity. I could use a platform like that to develop a fanbase and get them “hooked” on my writing enough for it to be worth a couple bucks a week for them to keep getting the fresh stuff daily.
And if I managed to get even just a few paid subscribers, that would go a long way towards encouraging me to pour myself into making it the best it could be, instead of just my usual random ramblings.
You know, like the ones you’re reading right now.
Thanks, by the way. I love you.
Yup, this Notd (sic) thing could be my golden ticket to a much better life. One where I have money, and nice things, and an audience, and something meaningful to do with my time for once, and so forth and so on.
But it ain’t gonna happen.
Why? Because as exciting as all that sounds, it also scares the crap out of me. I am currently feeling that special terror I get when the prospect of something that would greatly increase my stimulation levels and/or social exposure rears its ugly head, and my deep and terrible anxieties rise up and make it impossible for me to feel the joy of the opportunity because it’s lost behind a wall of stark raving terror.
The terror that I will be plucked out of my safe, warm, filthy nest and cast out into the cold cruel world where I will forever lose access to my escape route.
For the aversive, that’s basically death.
Do all us “failure to launch” types feel that way? Like being cast out into the world would not just kill but destroy us?
It would explain a lot.
Anyhow, what I am saying is that opportunities don’t mean jack shit if I am too chickenshit to take advantage of them, and that is something I am going to have to face and wrestle with if I am going to get out of this fucking cesspit of a life.
Because I deserve better than this. I’m quite frankly amazing. The fact that a truly extraordinary person like me is stuck living like this is quite frankly a travesty.
But I am the only person who can fix that. Who can restore justice. Make things right.
Even if I had a billion dollars in the bank, it would still be up to me to spend it. Even if I had godlike magic powers it would be up to me to use them.
There is only so far the sick sick oral-retentive dream of everything just coming to you without you having to do anything can ever go.
At some point, you will have to take an active part in life. It’s the only way out.
The only alternative is to lapse into a catatonic coma.
And the thought has crossed my mind….
More after the break.
Gay furry smut recommendation
I really liked this comic.
Not only is the art gorgeous as well as featuring two very sexy anthro feline males, but I find the way their “falling into gay” with each other is written is really, really hot.
Like I always say, lust is an emotion. Make me feel it!
Sort of furry animation recommendation
I mean, Cleaveland is 100 percent an anthro dragon, and Maulie is technically a manticore (or is that a womanticore?), so it’s furry enough.
I think I actually have kind of a crush on Cleaveland now, in fact.
But like I said in the comments, it’s warm, it’s funny, it’s well made, and it’s just a little bit fucked up in the head. And that makes it perfect for me.
Of course, if I had made it, it would be way more NSFW, but this is why they don’t let me make things like that!
But if AI keeps getting better…. 😛
Lost in the Terrorzone
Feeling kind of lost and scared at the moment.
It’s a hard emotion to put into words. It’s this feeling of bone-chilling total alienation that hits me from time to time. It always leaves me feel cold and lonely and the image of myself being pushed out into the void, with nothing but darkness all around me and nothing holding me up but whatever it is my back is up against.
There’s no vertigo to it. I don’t feel like I am going to fall. The void around me is completely without substance or directionality. And I feel completely abandoned and alone. And, for some reason, ashamed.
I guess that implies that on some level, I feel like I deserve to be out there. Like I have been exiled from all that is warm and good and wholesome because I am so very toxic and horrifying and disgusting.
And I am. But I’m not, too.
I certainly feel that way, and will continue to do so until I find another, healthier outlet for whatever emotions that feeling expresses.
Self-loathing, for sure. But a lot of other stuff too.
I watched an interesting video about various forms of esotericism, like the Order of the Golden Dawn, Rosicrucianism, Kabbalah, and so on.
And it got me thinking about the question of what is it that people get from these esoteric systems of belief that they can’t get from science and “reason”.
A twit like me can easily answer any question about the universe or mysterious happening or whatnot with a perfectly reasonable, logical, probable answer.
And for most people, that answer will be completely insufficient because what the person is looking for is meaning.
And meaning, like belief, is an emotion, and cannot be summoned by reason alone.
The best that science and logic can do is explain things. And explanations are sad and puny compared to the massive questions that plague the human soul.
Science can never tell someone what it all means. And knowledge without meaning is nothing but information.
No matter how “true” it is.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.