Today was Therapy Thursday.

And one of the things I ended up telling Doc Costin about ^[1] was my feeling that I am getting better at dealing with things on a purely emotional level.

I can “feel my way through” the darkened forest of my emotions a lot more easily than ever before. I can leave my useless and highly suspect powers of logical analysis behind and just explore my emotions by feeling them.

It’s actually quite thrilling. I have this whole new world inside me just waiting for me to let go of the delusion of control long enough to see what has been there all along.

If this is what being out of control feels like, then I am totally down with it. Fuck logic and intention, let’s roll.

Besides, there’s a reason I called it the delusion of control. It’s not really being in control of myself – if it was. I would get shit done as that’s what I want.

But I’m not in control and nothing gets done.

Seen from that angle, it’s obvious that what I used to think was self-control was only the feeling of being in control of myself, not the real thing.

And I get the feeling learning to tell the difference between the two is rather important.

It amuses me to think of how scared of leaving the bright white light of “reason” behind and entering the deep dark forest of my emotions I used to be.

It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me any more. It’s true that it’s dark in there, at least from my ego’s perspective, but there are other ways to find your way around besides logic and you can find them once you have the courage to be there.

And now, that is also adding to my feeling that whatever happens, I can handle it. And that is a vitally important thing to know about yourself.

For far too long, I have been scared of life with my head turned toward the wall, pointedly and panicked-ly ignoring reality in favour of my screens.

In a setup like that. where you feel like you’re made of spun sugar and the slightest unexpected event can shatter you into a million pieces, of course you’re going to be an urban hermit who hides from the world you don’t think you can handle.

Most people get over that phase of life because they have to in order to get through school and their traumatic first months of employment

But not me. I’m too “smart” for that.

As a result, I’ve barely grown up at all. I’m 51 years old and yet a big part of me is still that terrified toddler whose whole life was ripped apart by a stranger’s dick, and until I heal the grievous wound left by that heinous attack, I won’t be able to grow up at all.

And I want to be a grown up, not a timid baby. I want to be able to lead a normal life instead of remaining in this cloistered closet for the rest of my life. I want to feel strong and confident and ready to take on the world.

But I have to get myself healthy at first.

And that will take some time.

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I want to make videos just like this one!

The humour, the information, the density with all the little text gags, and the rather lovable presenter are all fantastic and things I totally will steal one day.

Hey, bad are copies, good art steals.

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This is also quite good :

It’s about the narrator’s journey to an ADHD diagnosis and it got me thinking about my own experience with trying out Adderall.

It didn’t do anything for me. I felt exactly the same. Le sigh.

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Forward and deeper

I feel like one of the ways in which I have made progress lately is that I have developed the crucial sense of what it means to go forward with my emotions.

I now have a clear feeling of development. I know now, on an instinctual level, that there is a sequence and a motion to my learning to deal with my emotions, like I’m a steam locomotive on a one way track. and that whenever I feel like it, I can move forward on my track and hence go deeper into myself in search of my Wound so I can finally soothe and comfort and heal it.

There’s a highly allegorical children’s book in all of this, I’m sure of it. Call it the Phantom Locomotive or somesuch.

Perhaps have some mentor figure repeatedly saying, “You have to get there eventually as long as you keep going forward!”.

Or the other way around. Whatever.

And of course, from a storytelling point of view, trains are great because you can just your plot points in whatever order you like along the tracks and the hero will naturally encounter them in that order without it seeming obviously forced.

Hmmm. Perhaps I shall cogitate on this further.

But probably not. Like all my other brilliant ideas I think of all the time, it will arise, I will say, “wow, neato!”, and then it will subside back into the fertile topsoil of my mind.

Oh well. The further I travel down this lonely train track, the closer I get to being a happy, functional, capable version of myself and that future person will be capable of getting good ideas and seeing them through for the sheer delight of bringing something beautiful and meaningful and new into the world.

But I need an audience. Performing for myself accomplishes nothing. I have a desperate need to express myself and that perforce requires someone to express myself to otherwise what’s the point?

Knowing that somewhere on my hard drive lurks some very brilliant writing is not enough. I need people to see how amazing I am, and bask in my glow!

I truly just want to make people happy, as others have made me happy, through art.

I’d rather make a million people happy at a dollar each then one person happy for a million bucks. I am a man of the masses. I want to make the whole world sing.

But first, I need to 86 this Wound.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.