I have got the part of my bed I sleep on mostly cleared off now. Pretty soon, it will be time to open up the packaging on my new blanket and sheets and dress that part of the bed and then slip into my chosen sleepwear (nudity) and take a nap on a nice clean bed for a change and without even having to rent a motel room first.

I’m looking forward to that. I may even summon up the gumption to give myself a very deep and thorough bed bath first so that I will be putting a clean me on those clean sheets and under that clean new blanket.

So I am looking forward to it, yes. It will be very nice to sleep clean for once.

But I am also anxious about it, and that’s what I want to talk about today.

Because I think I am getting close to figuring this shit out, at least cognitively. Wherever I feel fear like I am feeling now, the deep dark pain of my Wound is the real cause.

All my anxiety stems from an attempt by my basic autonomic systems to keep me from doing things which make that big ol’ Wound hurt.

That’s what I am really afraid of, deep down. All my more superficial anxiety has roots in this terrible pain and it is this pain which cripples me emotionally.

Because when there’s a nightmarish injury at the very core of your being, there is not a hell of a lot you can do that won’t make it hurt.

It’s like some grotesque spinal trauma. No matter how good I am at hiding my pain from everybody, I still can’t function, and can’t explain why even the simplest things are beyond me because everything hurts so bad.

But it’s not all doom on the horizon. I feel like when it comes to dealing with this Wound of mine, I have leveled up.

I have a much greater understanding of just how bad the damage is and how deep it goes now, and that makes me feel more like it is something that, while massive, is still finite, and therefore it is something that can be handled.

And it’s not like I have anything better to do.

Hello, Wound. You’re my project now. You should fear this.

I know that the real solution will not be a matter of logic and/or analysis. One way or another I need to penetrate the defenses around my Wound so I can finally finish experiencing all the pain and trauma and fear contained within and thus finally be free of this crippling injury once and for all.

The only way to get rid of emotions is by feeling them. Only then can your deeper self let them go, because now their job is done. The message has been received. The transaction is now complete. The books can be cleared.

And that’s going to bring about some pretty big changes in me. I mean, it has to. That Wound has been festering there for almost my entire life. My entire personality structure has been built around it. I have no idea what life is like without it.

And that scares me. But it excites me too. I see a bright and glorious future ahead of me where I can finally emerge from the shadows and shine for the whole world to see.

I am an amazing guy with incredible abilities and a heck of a sweet personality too. I could make very big waves in this world if I could just stop being crippled by an injury so old that it remembers disco.

Now to take what should be a very pleasant nap.

More after the break.

I want more from LIFE.

And now I am willing to admit it.

I know that I have talked about finding my life to be unsatisfactory (a lot) in this space before, but this is different.

This feels a lot less cerebral and a lot more primal. This is like a mighty monster from the Jurassic era rising from the muck and mire of my freshly thawed Midnight Tundra and letting out a giant roar to proclaim its existence as a warning to all.

And I think that’s pretty neat.

Basically, I walk the dinosaur.

It happened when I was grabbing some food from the kitchen. I felt this surge of energy and frustration but instead of it just tormenting me, the whole dinosaur sequence from the above prose happened in my mind in a heartbeat, along with that sentiment from the title : I WANT MORE FROM LIFE.

And I find that quite encouraging. Clearly my id is waking up and making itself known and that makes me so happy. I have known for a long time that the icy cold of my tiny tomb comes mostly from a lack of id power to balance my overpowered ego and over-enthusiastic superego. I would be a hell of a lot warmer if I could just let the sunshine in.

Oh what the hell.

But something is going to have to “die” first. That little piece of myself that you have to give up in order to be free just has to go, and I think with me it has a hell of a lot to do with giving up my ice-bound perch in the chilly world of the mind and letting myself melt and become a real, live, whole person instead.

I am not the frozen version of me. Therefore that version of me can melt and become something more than itself and nothing has “died” or become lost.

I think that at some point in my development, the flight from reality and the icy detachment required for logical analysis overlapped in my brain and I have been hiding out in this frigid cave of mine ever since.

Well I am not afraid any more.

Let the spring come.
Let the thaw commence.
Let the flood waters cascade down and flush out all the toxins and garbag that have accumulated in my soul
Let me surrender all form and be reborn unto a brand new world
Let me live again.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.