You know what? Fuck safety.

I’m tired of it. Safety is boring. I am soooo over it. In my life, safety has acted like it’s the only thing that matters for far too long and that shit is ending right now.

From now on, I will seek risk. I will gamble freely. I will roll the dice and see what happens. I will press my luck.

Big money, no whammies.

I am sick and tired of the constant cringe. Of being afraid of everything all the time. I don’t want to be ruled by fear any more.

And that means I am going to do the one thing the anxiety fears the most : I am going to embrace it. Let the anxiety come. I’m not afraid of it any more.

After all, it’s just a passing emotion. It’s not something real and it’s not a reaction to something real either. It’s a fluctuation of mentation, and not an interesting one either.

Because anxiety doesn’t matter. It’s not important. It is no more substantial than a dream or a fantasy, and has even less impact on reality.

So to hell with “safety uber alles”. There are far more weighty concerns. like whether I am happy and thriving instead of merely surviving.

Once more, I proclaim that there is nothing in my head more important than my happiness. The whole point of my safety apparatus is to protect me but it’s done far, far more harm than good and it’s got to go.

So fuck safety. I want to have fun.

And that is all that really matters.

---

As the water at low tide

You know what? Fuck being deep too.

I am so tired of getting lost in my own depths. Just for once, I want to get the fuck out my uneasy seas and walk on land. I want to dry out enough to feel the sun’s love.

I want to feel and know what I am feeling. I want to know and know what I am knowing. I want to leave my comforting cloak of night behind and walk naked into a bright and shining world where people are healthy and happy and wholesome and full of life and health and good, good vibes.

Basically, I want to live in the world of 60’s music videos like this :

A technical cosmos, vibrant and strong and more than a match for the darkness within.

And if that takes becoming a shallower person, fine. It’s not like being ten fathoms deep ever did me any good.

So I hereby reserve the right to be as shallow as the water at low tide. A mere puddle in a pothole on the road of life. I have dwelt in the darkness for far too long and I need a long trip to sunny climes in order to restore my equilibrium.

I will never stop looking into things deeply and trying to see all sides of things and striving for a greater understanding.

I couldn’t stop that even if I wanted to. It’s baked in.

But that doesn’t mean I have to live in the darkness. It doesn’t mean I have to let the gloom consume me. It doesn’t mean I have to keep feeding my demons pieces of my soul to keep them on my side.

I can be a shiny happy person and still see things as they really are.

But even if I can’t… who cares? I’m happy.

And I would rather be happy than right.

If a head full of lies is the price I have to pay for happiness, I am fine with that.

From now on, “Is it true?” is demoted in favour of “Is it useful?”.

Does it contribute to my wellbeing? Does it do me harm instead? Is it a healthy part of my mental diet, or would I be better off swallowing gravel? Will this thing lighten my load or increase my burden? Is it true but toxic? If so, isn’t a white lie better?

I have lived my life devouring everything I came across like a trawler ship, or a whale. No matter what it was, I ate it all up digested the information, pooped out the bullshit and the lies, and made the rest a part of myself.

Only now does it occur to me that some things are not a good idea to swallow in the first place. I now reserve the right to reject things I think will hurt me without having to swallow the damned thing to find out.

“The final analysis is in, and it turns out that was poison. *dies* “

I don’t owe the truth a god damned thing.

And this means living a more incarnate life. I have hidden in my depths and ignored the grunting straining physicalities of life for far too long and my life below got worse and worse over time as a result.

So even if I was comfortable eschewing reality in favor of my inner realm (I’m not, that’s my worst nightmare in fact), that inner realm is deeply connected to outer reality and if the body gets sick, so does downtown Fruvous.

So for that reason alone, I need to take better care of myself.

And it goes both ways. If I take care of myself better, then reincarnating and becoming physically present wouldn’t hurt so much and I’d be more likely to do it.

Anyhow, back to mental diet. The thing about turning up my nose at things I think will harm me is that it has to operate by instinct. I can’t “know” it is the right decision because that would require me to swallow it, and that would defeat the purpose.

So fuck it. Maybe it was right, maybe it was wrong, I will never know for sure. Fine.

There’s plenty of things to know and understand in this world. It’s not like skipping the “wrong” one will starve me.

I hereby fully endow myself with the right to prioritize my happiness and wellbeing over whether or not something is totally, totally true or not.

Fuck it. I will take what life gives me and make something for myself from it.

Maybe a pillow fort. Or some decorative collage.

Either way, all I give a fuck about is making myself happy.

And the truth can go hang.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.