Feeling angrily apathetic lately.

And we know what that means. Whenever I get the urge to shout “Fuck you!” at the sky until my throat bleeds, it’s never the sky I’m talking to.

Well, unless I got caught in the rain.

No, it’s the voices in my head that have provoked my ire. I feel surrounded and hounded and harassed. The barking dogs and slick-jowled salesmen and evil minded yes men who are NOT MY FRIEND are amped to a paralyzing cacophony and I just want them to shut the fuck up and leave me in peace.

I wonder if this is how some suicide attempts start. The person doesn’t want to die, they just want to silence the satanic choir within for five fucking minutes.

Come to think of it, that’s probably how some substance issues start too, I can see becoming a blackout drunk if it gave me even a tiny slice of blessed relief.

Luckily, being agoraphobic with social anxiety kept me away from such temptations. You have to actually go to the liquor store to get booze, and for other fun chemicals you have to be the sort of person who knows people and gets invited to parties.

Except for pot. But you can’t get addicted to pot. Not physically. I imagine there are fellow sufferer who do their best to stay baked 24/7 but that will never kill them except for maybe a few brain cells.

Which means I could buy some edibles online and see what all the fuss is about. For real, I could use something that soothed me and helped me relax.

Maybe even help me learn to turn down the intensity on this megawatt brain of mine so I can get some proper sleep.

It’s hard to sleep when you’re this bright. Not a joke.

Had one of my thankfully rare bouts of insomnia this morning. Laid down, relaxed, did a few stretches to relax my muscles, and completely failed to sleep.

Had zero sleepiness in me. And I hadn’t even had any Diet Coke yet. This just happens every once in a while. I will be sinking happily into slumber and then suddenly all my sleepiness evaporates and I feel like was floating on a cloud then suddenly fell to the ground and now I am lying there,. dazed and confused.

That sounded better in my head. I swear to God it did.

Oh well, this just means I will have to up my napping game till I catch up. And if that doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, I will take the sleeping pill.

I wish I could get back to taking it every day. I am sure that must have been a much healthier way to live.

But without my input, my brain falsely connected the pill with my having “bad sleep” and waking up all fucked up and confused, and now I find it hard to “trust” the pill.

Makes no sense at all, but it’s what I’ve got to work with.

I need to learn to work with life without it needing to make sense to me.

More after the break,.

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What would; you do?

I just posted this to Facebook :

My fellow depressives :

What would you do if you had lots of energy?

And would it be a good thing?

me, facebook, now

A more complete version would read :

My fellow depressives, people with depression, people with lived experience of one or more illnesses on the depression spectrum ✓ :

What would you do if you had lots of energy? All the energy you could ever want. So much energy that it stops being a consideration.

And would it be a good thing? Shouldn’t it be?

me, this blog, now

What I am trying to do is get people, myself included, to see past the problem. of depression turning one into an energy miser not by challenging the notion that we have no energy (we can deflect that easily) but by simply asking people a theoretical about what IF the problem was gone.

If I get any replies. I expect some will be the perky positive (“Of course it would be good! I’d love that! I’d get so much done!”), the neutral negative (“Um…. I guess it would be okay…kinda..”), the defensive/counteroffensive (How dare you say my illness isn’t real by suggesting that it is possible for me to have energy!”), or the honest defensives (“Fuck you and your stupid question. I don’t want to talk about it” )

But I suspect I will get very few or no replies, because it’s an extremely difficult subject to think about, let alone talk about.

And yet, here I am.

It’s really just a refinement of my question, “If you could take a pill and have your depression disappear forever, with no chance of it coming back, would you?”.

Possibly followed by “Why not?”.

I’m not asking these questions to be a smartass or to make anyone feel bad or inferior or anything like that.

I ask these questions because I think they can help people set themselves free of depression by indirectly challenging depression’s core assumptions.

And while this sort of cognitive approach to depression sometimes seems like trying to climb Mount Everest using only my lips, I nevertheless think it can work.

At least, it’s what has worked for my “cerebral to a fault” self.

Specifically, what helps me the most is questions to which I have no answers. Ones that point out things I can’t explain, things that make no sense, things that are almost laugh out loud ridiculous when you actually put them into words.

So I am, in my own fumbling way, trying to help others the way I have been helped.

At least give me credit for that much.

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Oh, one last thing. Anecdote time.

Last Saturday, I ordered a meal from a sushi place I like. On the website, it said that the meal came with miso soup.

But when it arrived, no miso. And I love me some miso.

So I complained about it through DoorDash.

A few minutes later, I get an offer : would I accept $8.32 compensation?

Um, seeing as a cup of miso is a dollar, HELL YEAH.

If I were a less compulsively honest person, I would totally figure out a way to profit from a system like that.

Instead, I will use it as it is intended.

Because I am honest, and open, and steadfast to a very high ideal.

Joy Danger Bellefontaine · Al and George – I am the Least Machiavellian Person I Know

I’m not even an opportunist!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.