Feeling pretty damned depressed today. Dunno why.
But right now, I feel like this :
I feel like there’s this enormous fire burning deep inside me and filling my soul with thick black smoke that reeks of strange resins and burned flesh.
I’m just glad I am such a loner, because if I had to deal with people right now, I might lash out with my caustic wit.
And nobody wants that, least of allme. I can do real lasting damage with words, and I don’t always know my own strength. What I think is just a mild defensive barb – crankiness level 1 – might well hit with atomic force when it is amplified by my verbal skills and force of personality.
That’s why I keep my rapier wit in its scabbard most of the time,
Which leaves me choking on my own smoke, sadly. Clearly there needs to be a way for me to vent my frustrations and get things off my chest that doesn’t destroy others.
Or at ;least, nobody who doesn’t deserve it.
In theory, the world is full of evil people deserving of my wrath. Corrupt politicians, sociopathic CEOs, racist fuckwits, the list goes on and on.
But first I’d need to pick a venue. And then use said venue with full intent to make my voice heard over the crowd noise of the internet. And then stick with it long enough to make sure that happens.
And that is just too many things.
And that makes me feel guilty for not contributing more to the world. I know I have a lot to add to the public conversation. Things that need to be said. Questions that need to be asked. A point of view and a voice capable of slaying evil thoughts.
But I am all wrapped up in mental illness and until I unwrap myself, all I can do is watch.
And I find that so very very frustrating. I have all this power and potential and ambition locked behind a wall of depression and anxiety and sadness. I want so bad to be able to just bust out of my shell like a bucking bronco coming out of the chute and start kicking ass and taking minds with my outrageous talents but instead all I can do is play Skyrim and watch the days of my life drift by as the sun slowly sets on my health, virtually guaranteeing I ain’t gonna make it to 50.
And I am 47.
And what hurts the most is that I know there are millions of things I “could” do to keep that oncoming train from running me over and I can’t do any of them,
And there’s a lot of reasons for that. but one of the biggest is that part of me doesn’t want to get up and get off the tracks.
That part of me wants to get run over by the train.
It’s looking forward to it.
Because then all this will finally be over.
More after the break.
Well banked inferno
Feeling somewhat better now.
Slept a lot today, especially in the afternoon. Well fuck it, I don’t owe Skyrim anything.
One of the hard things for me to fully wrap my head around is that a lot of times, sleep is going to make me feel a whole lot worse before it makes me feel better.
i mean, the basic animal response to doing something that makes you feel bad is to not do that thing again. So when I wake up feeling terrible, the last thing I want to do is give sleep another chance to chew me up and spit me out.
My world of dreaming is often so intense it verges on the transcendental. It leaves me feeling like I have been wrung out like a sponge. Like my brain has been so hyper open and aware and alive that it blew through all my resources and left me, the poor mystic who never asked to be a root contact point for the cosmos, washing up on the shores of consciousness with no clue what the hell just happened.
And I can’t help wonder, what’s the fucking point? What do I get out of this deal? I might be happier about this arrangement if it gave me super powers. Or money.
But no. My brain gets to go on this crazy ass ride without my pesky consciousness getting in the way, and in the morning, I get stuck with the bill.
I don’t even get a glimpse of cosmic oneness or a single prophetic dream out of it.
Maybe meditation would help. Expand my mind so that it can accommodate the cosmic bandwidth a little better. Maybe help me build up some kind of mental emergency fuel tank I can tap into when everything else has been burned up on re-entry.
or maybe I just need to learn to relax and go with the flow, man. Let mother nature do her thing without trying to control or resist it.
It’s like, don’t fight the dog, lead the dog, you know what I mean?
And I admit, that’s a lesson I really need to learn,. To stop wasting energy trying to fight the tide and instead concentrate on making the little course corrections that over time steer my boat to exactly where I want to go,
Like I have said before, my basic way to approach anything is ot bring overwhelming mental force to bear on it.
And it works in a lot of situations, in a brute force kind of way.
But it’s not exactly sophisticated and it sure as heck ain’t efficient I would be far better off learning to apply my mental might with grace and precision. It would be much easier on both my mental and my physical hardware, and maybe my dreams would not be so god damned intense any more.
And then I might actually wake up feeling good for a change.
That would definitely be a dream come true.
I willtalk to you nice people again tomorrow.