Remember, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

So plan accordingly.

The big news on the personal front is that i have this aching pain above my right eye now. It started somewhere around noon and hasn’t let up since. though the intensity of the pain varies from “slight” to “ow fuck!”/.

The way it’s localized suggests that it is probably not purely an eyestrain headache. Those tend to be more diffuse.

Not ruling out eye strain as a contributing factor, though.

It’s made me fairly sensitive to light levels. Looking at the bright white WordPress default screen hurts quite a bit. I should probably change to a darker theme for my WordPress input screen for now, but I don’t remember where to find that setting and I am kind of having trouble concentrating right now so I guess I will just muddle through.

That’s my solution far more often than I would like to admit.

Make due and keep going.

It could be a sinus issue. The pain is roughly the size and shape of one of the lower occipital sinus cavities. There could be a blockage in there. or an infection.

It also might be dental, as the pain radiates down into my jawline. But I don’t think so, because severe sinus issues always make my teeth ache.

Jaw muscles too. Fun.

Regardless of the cause, it’s yet another random thing to go wrong with my health. I swear, it’s like I am 74.not 47.

I have to somehow get my poop in a group or one day soon I will have so many health issues that my body just gives up and implodes.

The problem, as always, is depression. Depression makes everything so much harder. Even such a simple thing as taking insulin daily, say with lunch, feels like it’s a million miles beyond me for absolutely no sane reason.

Because I’m crazy.

And there’s no sense in beating myself up over it. It is what it is, just something I have to deal with. Another fun aspect of being me.

I really wish I could just check myself into a Hospital for the Adulting Impaired and have some nice lady (or dude) speak gently and kindly to me in a supportive fashion and nag me into taking care of myself and maybe tousle my hair now and then.

Baked goods should also play some part.

What I really need is a mother. One that actually pays attention to me, maintains an active and engaged interest in my life. pushes me when I need to be pushed, and just overall gives a damn.

I didn’t get that from my mother. Or rather, I did – my mother was super amazing when I was a wee thing, before she went back to work.

And luckily, when she did go back to work, I had Betty as my babysitter, and she was awesome. Tough, kind, and not afraid to kick my tiny butt when I was out of line.

But then I got raped. That was the first and worst cataclysm. of my childhood. Shattered my mind and drove me deep into a deep dark cave inside myself to escape.

And I’m still there.

The second cataclysm was school. Not only was I thrust into this new and strange environment without having been prepared for it by kindergarten, I went through it entirely alone – nobody even walked me to school on my first day.

And I did okay for a while, but then came the bullying. Cataclysm Number Three. I was completely unprepared for it, and the school did nothing to stop it.

Doesn’t pay to be a pain in the ass gifted kid with a smart mouth, I guess.

All my life, I have been inconveniently intelligent. Way, way smarter than the other kids. And far far too timid and broken from the rape to stand up for myself and demand anything, no matter how bad I needed it.

By fleeing deep into my own mind, I became the far too cerebral person I am today. The id is barely present and the ego is far too strong, and my superego is too busy persecuting me for every little thing to bother holding the ego back at all.

And the thing is, you go crazy without your id. Without it, the mind is helpless against its own mirages and illusions and it is possible to fall down a very deep rabbit hole of crazy as a result.

I’m just glad my pre-school childhood was good (apart from the rape).. Without that good part. I would be a far, far crazier dude.

Like,, psycho crazy. Stalker crazy. “We have to talk about Michael” crazy.

Instead, I was healthy and stable enough to become a sad robot who went to school alone, came home alone, played (read) in his room alone, and went to bed all alone, nobody even caring enough to set a bedtime.

So my childhood was a long steady slog through the ice cold tundra of total social isolation, and it’s that tundra that chills me to the bone when I think about my childhood.

That, and all the social development windows I missed. Kindergarten, a peer group, friends, dates, relationships, competitions, extracurriculars, sex, romance, figuring out who I am, family connections, first jobs,. getting married, having kids, finding success, growing old with someone, and so much more.

The cold from all that tundra is enough to freeze the life right out of you. Stop your heart dead in its tracks like a bullet. Kill you quicker than an unprotected space walk.

And that’s what I am up against. The glacier sitting on my heart. The frozen hellscape that is my soul. The icy wind that never stops blowing.

And that’s why I struggle just to make it through the day. And why I huddle in my little hidey hole and curls up into a ball to conserve heat.

Because it’s cold out there.

And I am slowly freezing to death.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.