Went to see my CPAP guy, Ray, at Coastal Sleep this morning.
He was able to give me a crash course on how to deal with the facemask. What stopped me last time was that I kept getting very confused as to what bits went where and how to know whether the thing was inside out or not.
Ray quite cleverly cut the Gordian knot on that by wielding a Sharpie to label what part goes on top of my head and what part goes on the back of my head.
So I should be all set now. Honestly, it was not that hard a puzzle and I probably could have worked it out myself if there weren’t so many tough emotions involved.
Sometimes feelings make you dumb.
I am determined to make this CPAP crap work. My motivation – the golden, shining prize that draws me forward like the Holy Grail – is good sleep.
If strapping this freaking hose monster to my face so it can shoot carefully compressed air down my throat to keep it from closing up thousands of times an hour while I sleep can get me a regular supply of decent REM sleep, it is all worth it.
I don’t care about the long term health benefits of not smothering repeatedly in my sleep any more. They’re nice but they don’t motivate me. They’re too remote and indirect.
We’d all be better off if long term cumulative harm motivated us just as strongly as immediate and painful harm, but as a species, we’re just not that smart.
Getting decent sleep on a regular basis could make a huge difference in my life. Right now, I am always running way behind on REM sleep. Occasionally I will have one of my sleepy periods and get back to a somewhat more stable state – or at least one where my consciousness doesn’t have so many holes in it, and that scary bright shiny patch of blankness doesn’t seem so big….and hungry.
Getting my groceries delivered soon. Had to order my groceries online due to not wanting to end up all shaky and weak and sick like the last time I did them in person.
It’s always sort of exciting to order them online. When they show up it’s like a mini-Xmas, even though it’s the exact same boring old stuff I always get.
Well, except that I always end up getting those sugar free ice cream sandwiches and sundae cone type things as well. I can’t get those when I shop there in person because our next stop is always Denny’s and they would just melt while we ate.
I’ve also been known to add the occasional case of some diet soda I can’t get in my customary 2L bottles, like Diet Orange Crush.
Plus other odds and sods. Some sugar free stuff they only sell in bulk. Various meaty convenience foods so I get my vitamin B12 on.
To be honest, I should spend more on groceries so I can widen my diet. I want to do that for both nutritional and quality of life reasons.
Eating the same stuff all the time is a waste when I could spend a bit more and get things like frozen entrees and have food I look forward to eating.
Something to ponder, I suppose.
More after the break.
Getting more out of life
There’s got to be a lot of ways to make this shit more fun.
I just have to think of it as a puzzle for my amazing mind to solve, and clear out a lot icky brown bullshit that has been gumming up the works left over from living in survival mode for so long.
And not just survival mode. Minimized survival mode. A survival mode that assumes the only way to be safe is to live as little as possible and thus have the least chance of attracting life’s attention to you.
That’s what the Avoidant Personality Disorder life is like. You are so deep into a permanent Hide adrenal mode that you are afraid of life itself and try to flee the light of day by burrowing into yourself like a panicked mole.
I’m used to feeling like I’m being buried alive, day by day.
But I’m also the guy with the fucking shovel.
If I was not so scared of life, I would not need to spin this deep dark forest all around me for me to hide in and pretend to be lost in.
I ain’t lost. I know exactly where I am. I’m in the middle, like always. This whole bullshit setup radiates from me and it’s only real purpose is to keep me busy locked off in my own little world where the big bad world can’t find me.
It’ll all go away when I don’t need it any more. As such, it’s basically meaningless and not really worth the attention I pay to it.
It’s all just more carnival bullshit and fun house maze. Images and reflections and delusional directions and mindless fodder for the Machine,
But all it’s really eating is itself, in the end.
Oh sure, it sucks up all that stimulation from all the wonderful things a computer brings. That’s all fresh input, more or less.
But without fresh action and new experiences, it all ends up tasting the same anyhow.
I’d love to be able to get up out of this chair and go out there and lead a life. And some day, god damn it, I will.
That is, if I can manage before my health deteriorates to the point where my current lifestyle ceases to be optional at all.
But even if I am stuck physically, I can roam virtually. There’s a lot of life to be lived on and via the internet. I am in no way getting all I can out of this life of mine.
I am determined to squeeze the juice out of life and get drunk on its wine.
Fuck this freezing in the frigid confines of my own timidity any more,.
Let’s light that sucker and start the fireworks show.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.