Eh, fuck life, he said with a smile.

I’m sick of taking things so seriously. So what if my life hasn’t gone anywhere yet. Why should that keep me from enjoying myself?

Life’s a feast, and most poor bastards are starving to death!

None more so than I. I have been starving for so long, in fact, that I’ve damned near forgotten there is such a thing as food. This stupid survival mode thinking has caused me to compulsively deny myself on nearly every level for so long and that shit has got to stop, and pronto.

Why not view life as a game? It’s not like taking it seriously has done me any good. Fuck all this bullshit. I’m through with raking myself over the coals about how life has treated me and how I have “failed” and how frustrated I am about my inability to use all these cosmic powers of the mind I have at my fingertips.

All that does is slow down the healing process and delay the day when I will finally be reborn unto the world, strong and fresh and new.

So to hell with it. That shit ain’t mandatory. I might not be able to keep myself from feeling bad but there’s no need to take those feelings seriously.

They are as meaningless as cold symptoms, and best treated the same way.

Acknowledge their presence, do what you can to treat the symptoms, then ignore them till the fever breaks.

The same winds that brought me down will just as surely bring me up again. Especially if I can remember not to try to cling to any one state of mind.

Let go, fly free, and grab whatever joy you can as you go soaring past.

As I read somewhere a long time ago, “If we try to stop the wheel of time, all we do is delay our own renewal. “

In other words, if we stop trying to stay in one state or another, the natural cycle can progress freely and bring us back to the death and renewal stage again.

If we won’t let there be winter, there will be no spring.

Worse, if we waste time and energy fighting winter after it has begone, we end up stuck in winter for so long that we forget spring is even a thing.

And thus we end up locked in survival mode. Go fig.

At the center of it all is this urge to STOP. Some of us are so wired that our automatic reaction to danger and stress is to slam on the brakes so we have time to think.

The problem comes when you are too scared to start moving again, You get comfortable in your halted state. Worse, you become dependent on it, and start reflexively fighting any hint of motion.

Man, fuck that noise. I want to rev up and peel out, and if I get scared, so what? There are worse things in life that being anxious.

Who knows, if I hang in there, it might even get to be fun.

After all, anxiety and exhilaration are chemically identical. It’s how we interpret them that makes all the difference.

A room full of strangers? WEE HA. this is going to be fun!

More after the break.

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Isn’t life fun?

I swear, sometimes it feels like fate conspires against me.

So we are finishing up at Denny’s when I feel a rumbling down below, accompanied by a sickeningly feeling like my stomach is an office water cooler and someone just poured themselves a very large Dixie cup of water so a big bubble has formed and is floating up to the top.

That means Bad Things are afoot.

So all through the car ride home, as I chat with Joe and Julian, I am closely monitoring my abdominal activity. And sure enough, it goes from a vague gassy feeling to a feeling of hard gas in my lower 40 to the strong convince that I need the bathroom ASAP.

And by need I mean NEED.

So as we are pulling into our parking spot, I tell J&J to forgive me, but I need the bathroom ASAP so they will have to forgive me for darting ahead.

So I rush to the elevator and get up to our floor and then dash to our door….. only to remember that I forgot my fucking keys.

Now I ask you, what are the odds that I would forget my keys on the one night when I would need to get in ASAP? Mother fucker.

Anyhow, J&J showed up shortly after that so I got in and it was no big deal, no accidents or anything.

But things were very stressful there for two or three very long minutes.

Like I’ve said before, it really seems like fate arranges these concatenations of coincidences specifically to force some excitement and danger into my life when I need some shaking up.

And it’s always the same improbable things, none of which are noteworthy by themsevles but click together in a chain that so clearly leads to the exact consequences I am experiencing that it’s hard to see it as purely a matter of chance.

I suppose I should feel flattered that the universe takes time out of its busy schedule to fuck with me on a personal level.

Gee, thanks, Big U. Really. You shouldn’t have.

More seriously, it does feel good that fate – or, more likely, my deepest mind, the part that connects to the collective unconscious – seems to be trying to push me towards growth and evolution and healing.

Now if I could just take my emergency brake off, I would get there a lot faster.

And a lot easier.

Well I am working on it. Gotta loosen up. Learn to ride that wind I have been stubbornly anchoring myself against and let the unseen hand of fate steer now and then.

Maybe destiny is real and I need to stop fighting mine just because I don’t know where it is all going.

I’m sure I will end up somewhere good.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.