Guess what? You have a name now! You’re not just that “scared little animal” inside me any more, dearest one.
I know Survival Mode is not much of a name. Don’t worry, it’s just a placeholder.
Anyhow, I wanted to talk to you today, my beloved pet, because it finally occurred to me that as a writer, I don’t need to limit myself to talking about you.
I can talk to you! And I love you so much, how could I resist?
And that’s the first thing I want to say to you today : that I love you. I love you so much. My love is as boundless as the sun’s warmth and as deep as a loving mother’s hug. It’s so big that you can’t see an end in any direction in time or space and so powerful it could move the moon but so gentle it could caress the cheek of a baby lamb without waking it up.
Oh dear, I’m gushing! Sorry.
And because I love you so much, I will always be here for you, my sweet and lovely boy. You will never be alone again.
You will never be lonely again.
I am here to rescue you, and aim to keep you rescued till the day I die. Consider me to have picked you up, held you in my arms, and stroked your forehead while telling you that I love you and that everything is going to be all right until you believe me.
Because it’s true, my pet. Everything will be all right. You are safe now. The danger you’ve been running from for all these years is long gone and you can finally come home, lay down in front of a nice warm fire surrounded by good, kind, understanding people who truly love you, and take a nice long relaxed nap.
Or cry your little eyes out in my loving arms. God knows you deserve it.
It’s all over, pet. It really is. I know you’re afraid to believe it but I swear it’s true. All the danger is gone and you are free to roam the world and find a space for yourself like you were always meant to do.
The storm has passed and now at least it’s time to go home and grow up and be free.
There’s no need to hide from reality any more. It’s actually a really nice place full of all the things you never let yourself want just waiting to become yours.
A house. A cat (or ten). A boyfriend. A car. A job.
A life, in other words.
Or barring that, a really bitchin’ gaming PC.
We can have all these wonderful things, precious one. Nothing is stopping us any more. The door is wide open for us to live an absolutely beautiful life and all that is left is to go out there and get it.
No rush though. It will still be there tomorrow.
Love you so much, my wonderful magical boy.
More after the break.
What a great start!
Well I broke in to my subconscious up there and opened a line of communication between my conscious mind and all that animal fear and rage and sheer frothing lunacy that has been lurking in my skull for so long.
Next step will be the reply. I was going to do that tonight, in this space, but I chickened out at the last minute.
I know that will be when I truly throw up the lid to Pandora’s Fox (er, Box) and I have no idea where I might end up from there, but one thing I do know is that it is going to take one hell of a lot out of me both physically and emotionally so I am going to bump it ahead one slot and do it tomorrow afternoon.
No more excuses, though. It has to be done. It’s the only possible next step from where I am now so I am going to take it before I lose my nerve entirely and it all fades back into the background of my ever changing mindscape.
Tonight is more like a half-time break where the teams and the announcers talk about what happened in the first half and what’s planned in the second.
I like where I am going lately. I feel like I am finally dealing with the Really Big Stuff. Powerful emotions with serious mojo behind them being moved in big pieces in big ways, like they’re trying to relocate Mount Rushmore.
Abe’s nose always looked like that, right?
It feels like all this time I have spent slowly polishing the lenses of my writing talent in order to be able to express more and more of how I feel is truly paying off.
Like I am finally truly breaking things wide open and I will be able to get some real emotional work done now that I have broken through.
It’s super exciting and scary as storebought fuck, which suits me fine.
There are much worse things to be in life than scared.
For example, you can be dead inside and filled with despair because you can’t feel anything and all that you see in your future is slow grey stupid death.
That’s definitely a whole lot worse.
Besides, anxiety and excitement can be the exact same thing and which one you experience depends entirely on whether you try to fight the tide or you let it take you to the top and enjoy the ride.
It’s not going to be easy for me to learn to stop trying to cling to my comfort zone likt a panicking barnacle. Letting go is never easy for the like of me.
But I am tired of a life whose sole virtue is that it’s predictable and hence controllable.
Survival and safety just ain’t enough for me any more. I want the big stuff. I want the gusto. I want to grab life by the ass and kiss it hot n’ hard and never let it go.
I want to live, god damn it. Live!!
And I am a-fixin’ to do just that.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.