That’s how I feel right now, and I think I know why, though I kind of hope I’m wrong.
Right now, I feel relatively well rested. My mind is clear and I have better focus than usual. My interior world has a lot more sunshine than usual.
I’m not exactly blissful. I feel sort of cranky and restless. My joints ache and I have a slight headache and my balls are itchy in that way that is very annoying but also feels almost obscenely good to scratch.
I’m getting some seriously mixed messages here, body.
But overall I feel much better than usual. Healthier, even. And dare I say… more normal.
So what else has changed in my life recently that might be the cause of this uptick?
Alas, it’s that I went without Diet Coke for a while.
Could my DC habit really be that big a factor in my feeling shitty and dark most of the time? Evidence says maybe.
Of course, it’s also a pleasantly sunny day outside, and that has also improved my mood in the past.
But the anti-caffeine case fits together so well. I am sans my Diet Coke for a day or so. I finally get some decent sleep. I wake up feeling way better that usual, so much so that I didn’t feel the urge to nap nearly so often.
And now, as I sip my newly acquired Diet Coke, I start to feel tired and stressed and want to go sleep again.
Seems pretty evident to me. Maybe even conclusive. The obvious solution would be to lay off the damned diet cola.
But I don’t want to give up my Diet Coke habit. I’ve enjoyed cultivating it. It amuses me to think that I have this little addiction. It’s so cute!
And honestly, it makes me feel just a little bit more normal. It might not be via the usual routes of coffee or tea, but at least I am addicted to caff like everyone else!
It just occurred to me how sad that is.
It feels good to finally admit to myself and the world that I want to be more normal. Whatever benefit I got from thinking of myself as a proud outsider and embracing my freakiness has long expired.
I know I can never actually be normal. I’m just too weird on too many levels. So it’s not like I am in danger of becoming some sort of mundane drone.
I just want some of that stability and security that the normal people take for granted because they have never known anything else.
Because that’s the thing about the world outside their narrow perceptions where us philosophers like to hang out :
It’s fucking cold out here!
And I am so very very sick of it. I just want to come in from the cold into a nice safe warm houses where people love and value me and I can cozy up to the fireplace and let the warmth of both hearth and home seep into my weary bones and make me warm and whole and healthy again.
And I can have that if I want.
But I will have to build it all myself first.
More after the break.
Also, yay, tuxedo cat! I love tuxedo cats. Maybe I am just lucky, but every one of them I have known has been a sweet and snuggly bundle of fluff.
Also not that bright, but I am sure that was a coincidence.
Two minutes of terror
So I ordered some pizza from Pizza Hut.
Not that I had a lot of choices. I have no money left on my latest credit card and Pizza Hut is the only place I know of that still take cash on delivery.
So I bypassed the usual Skip the Dishes and ordered directly from the Pizza Slut website, noting in passing that they have a whole new rewards system and my 4/5 “slices” in the previous system were gone.
Whatever. Free pizza doesn’t mean that much to me any more.
So I ordered and all was well. The pizza and Caesar salad arrived and all I had to do was pay the man.
But I couldn’t find my wallet!
Instant panic attack. Visions of the consequences dancing across my fever’d brow.
Because what if I can’t find it? What then? Then I would have to tell the delivery person I can’t pay them, knowing that means THEY have to pay for the pizza, and they are not exactly going to be happy about that.
I’d feel like such an idiot and a clod! Social anxiety nightmare fuel.
Luckily, Julian was there to once more rescue my fragile sanity by finding my wallet exactly where I left it, namely on the living room table.
I had it out there to pay Joe for some Diet Coke he kindly picked up for me last night.
So I was the hysterical overreacting fool again, flying off the handle in all directions.
At least I am learning to be more philosophical about my shenanigans. Less “I’m stupid and I hate myself” and more “Well, there I go again!”
It’s all part of my goofy charm. I’m adorkable.
And excitable. I am still getting used to knowing and accepting that about myself. I think of myself as all calm and logical but I have a lot history of incidents like tonight’s little goof up that says otherwise.
I suppose the good part is that the excitability comes with a natural enthusiasm that many people find delightful because it’s so different from the usual apathy of at least my own generation of nerds.
And I am sure it has something to do with why I am always overflowing with creativity as well. I have an extremely fertile mind and that’s a real asset for any creative type.
So all in all, I guess I can live with the occasional anxiety rush over silly things.
The benefits are way more than worth it.
And it’s not like anyone hates me for it or anything. That is just my silly depression talking and we all know it’s full of shit.
I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And gosh darn it, people like me.
Plus I am hyper intelligent and enormously talented.
And that’s good enough for me.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.