Not the real me. Not really.
So I am always holding back. Being a good giant. Stepping carefully so that I don’t tread on any poor Lilliputians. Keeping everyone safe.
Because of that (and other things), I’m very alone. I can’t really confide in anyone. It would blow them away. Not even my shrink can take it without getting freaked out.
Speaking of whom, today was Therapy Thursday. Decent session.
One thing that came up was my feeling that I would be happier if I could get more of my creative energies out. That the happiest times I have had in recent memory were when I higher creative output, like when I was doing my Million Words, or putting out X minutes of video a day.
And it would be nice to get back to doing something like that. Right now the ol’ webcam is on the blink but I am sure if I fiddle with it enough, I can resurrect it.
I am reassured by the knowledge that if all I can manage on one of my worse days is to talk to the camera a while, that’s not the end of the world.
That kind of content is increasingly tolerated in this world where a YouTube video is as likely to be listened to as watched.
I’d rather do a lot more, of course. The beauty of video is that it allows for a much more vivid and dense and demanding form of self-expression and thus will require an exponentially larger input of my constantly coruscating creativity.
Came across my old cheap webcam recently, so in theory, if I am using one of these modern multicam recording programs, I could in theory record myself two camera style, like in a TV studio, just like I’ve always wanted.
That way, I can switch angles for visual interest. Just like on TV!
I might even try to make my own little fake news show in the style of Daily Show.
After all, they’re sure as fuck putting their heart into it any more. And I certainly have plenty of snarky things to say about the news these days.
I just need a suit. Newscasters wear suits. Hmmm.
Another thing that came up was looking for freelance work via UpWork. Getting paid to do things would do wonders for my self-esteem and could lead to more joyous things like upgrading this dang computer of mine.
I want to be able to play the new hotness, dammit!
So all in all, I have ideas to make my life better. Give it more content. More places to go. More outlets for all this crazy energy swirling in my head.
Maybe I will do these things. Maybe not. That’s not important.
What’s important is that I am thinking ahead and making plans. And that means I am looking to the future and thinking that maybe, just maybe, there’s a place for me there.
It’s about bloody time. Feels like I’ve been waiting forever.
More after the break.
The end of nothing
I’m making good progress in my constant mission to burrow through the ice and dirt and frozen tears caked in thousands of layers on my frozen fragile heart.
I want an end to the numbness, therefore I forsake its protection. Let me feelin a thousand million terrible things – but let me feel.
Death to the void. Long live life.
Long live the new flesh.
That means that if I want to truly be alive, I have to give up the smug privilege of viewing life through a lens of icy detachment, aloof and remote, “seeing all”.
I’ll have to learn to deal with life dynamically, close up and in realtime, with no chance to think things over and therefore no choice but to go with your gut.
Less nerd. More jock. Need balance.
And that means doing the unspeakable : letting the id make the call, at least some of the time. My oh so sharp brain will be there, of course, working as hard as it can to show off just how gosh darn BRIGHT I am, but it will have to work way, way faster and without any time to check its work.
Pretty sure that means I will end up relying on a smug, cocky attitude to see me through. It won’t be pretty but it’s what I have available.
Besides, it could be kind of fun.
Told Doc Costin about my theory that part of me doesn’t want me to get better because it feels like the more healthy I get, the higher the intensity of stimulation from life – the “louder” life will get – and that sounds worse than Hell to me.
I truly think that has blocked my progress in the past. I start to improve and my mind wakes up and so do my senses and while I in the short term feel better, deep down I am getting overwhelmed and freaking out and eventually that forces me to shut down again just to escape the dread cacophony in my head.
That strange way things seem to echo in my head sometimes that I mentioned once before, long ago, must play a big part too.
Gotta learn to turn THAT shit off.
The only cure I can conceive of for my oversensitivity to overstimulation is graduated exposure. Turn the volume up on life nice and slow so I can adjust and acclimate myself to the higher levels, with the goal of eventually being able to handle actual life.
Then again, maybe that’s all wrong. Maybe that’s just another bullshit delaying tactic my depression has cooked up and the REAL path to success is to simply throw myself off the deep end into some high commitment situation where there is no backing out and I will have no choice but to deal with things as they come.
Birth the new me in fire and pain as God intended and finally cleanse myself of all this weakness and self-pity so that I might rise anew, whole and strong and clean.
But first, I’m gonna need a nap.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.