Not really, but I needed a title.
Things are okayish at the moment, at least. I have no major health issues plaguing me.
That dizziness upon rising is still with me, but most of the time it’s mild enough to be ignored. I just got up and made my lunch without it bothering me much, for instance. So there is that.
I haven’t mentioned this before (I think), but I’ve got a gross boil on the back of my left shoulder. It’s Cronenberg level nasty looking, oozing and everything, but for the most part it doesn’t bother me as long as I am hanging around naked (except for socks), as I am wont to do, and therefore there’s no clothing pressing against it.
I am currently taking Cephalexin to fight it. I’ve been on it for a week and I am not seeing much of a difference, although it at least stopped this ache that was developing deep in the core of that shoulder and scaring the heck out of me.
Because it was a scary kind of pain. Seemed to go all the way to the bone. Made the ball hurt in a grainy way as it rotated in the socket. Alarming stuff.
So I am glad it got rid of that. But I fear it may not kill the boil.
I will complete the prescription and see where I am then.
Feeling frustrated and cranky. I definitely need something to do with my energies when I get like this. Something far more energetic than playing video games.
Which means contending with my old nemesis, the Anti Action Bias(AAB). Otherwise known as my depression’s overwhelming insistence that I do and move the absolute minimum at all time, as if every erg of energy I exert cost me money.
That’s utter bullshit, as we all know by now. In fact, a vast majority of my problems are caused by all this pent up unexpressed energy.
I’m running a surplus, not a deficit
The obvious answer is exercise, and I can do that. I have my weird horizontal push-ups (push-outs?) and there’s always pacing.
And if those aren’t an option because I am not feeling well enough or the dizziness is back and kicking my ass, I can always lie in bed and rotate and stretch my limbs.
So it’s just a matter of associating the feeling (pent up frustration) with the cure (light exercise) strongly enough that feeling like this gives me the urge to exercise.
Get that going and things will more or less take care of themselves. But I have to get the AAB out of the way first.
I get so scared sometimes, though. I guess that’s the real problem. My Avoidant tendencies are rooted in a very maladaptive way to control my anxiety by avoiding pretty much anything that triggers an adrenal response.
Including such radical and extreeeeeeme things as doing things and feeling inspiration and experiencing joy and even (gasp) acting without thought.
Geez, no wonder I’m so scared of it all.
That shit’s got to go too.
More after the break.
Oh yeah, more words
Feeling so mentally adrift that I almost forgot I wasn’t done yet.
That would have sucked,
I baby myself
I really do. And lately this has been striking me as problematic.
Because it means I have never learned to toughen up. That means I’ve remained as weak and frightened of the world as, well, a baby.
Toddler at best.
The sort of lessons I need to learn involve getting into tough situations that force you to dig deep and find your inner strength to overcome them and thus not only make that strength of will and spirit available to you in the future but also show you that whatever comes along, you can handle it.
Right now, I can’t handle jack shit, as far as I know. I’ve been a wimpy lil baby boy for my whole life. When the going gets tough, I fall apart. I have absolutely no faith in my ability to overcome difficulties.
Even though I have done so, come to think of it. Everything about Kwantlen then VFS was pretty damned hard, especially for me.
Don’t know if I could do that all again. But it’s something to think about. Going back to school would at least give me something to do with my life.
And maybe I could go to a good school this time. Kwantlen has many fine qualities but it’s pretty crappy in terms of overall kwality of education.
I actually had two different teachers on two different occasions take it upon themselves to tell me I could do a lot better than THIS place. A LOT better.
That’s nice to know.
I have pondered the “academic superstar” life path before. After all, I am extremely good at school. Should be possible to turn that into a career.
Just have to get somewhere where my brilliantly iridescent mind can be seen by the sort of people who might want to mentor me.
Or at least help me up the ladder some.
All these brains have got to be good for something, dammit.
I could see myself being an eccentric academic bad boy, known for my unusual and controversial views which I will happily defend against anyone anywhere at the drop of a hat due to my friendly but feisty personality.
And boy would my intro to philosophy course be a bear! I would take my duty to activate young minds and teach them to think very seriously.
So imagine Dead Poets Society, but with philosophy.
Call it Dead Greeks Society.
But the real fun would be shaking up academia with my radical but extremely well thought out opinions. I would take great joy in being an electrifying and polarizing figure due to my uncanny ability to cut right to the heart of issues and ideas and lay bare their logical absurdity and moral bankruptcy.
Yup. That could be one hell of a lot of fun.
What the hell, I might even try it.
But I will need a mentor first.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.