Everything is fine. I’m not in much pain, my chest is not complaining, my breathing is normal and even. and my legs are not screaming out as if they are being stretched on the rack by some demented Inquisitor.
Until I stand up. Then everything goes straight to hell.
There’s no grace period any more. The second I stand up, the pain begins, and the clock starts counting down on how long I can stay upright before total collapse.
And the longer I am up, the worst the pain gets. So it’s really a torture test. How long can I endure the pain before it overtakes me?
How very fun.
And it doesn’t stop the moment I sit down again either. It gets a zillion times better, but the malady lingers on. My muscles will continue to ache and my head will continue to pound and it will take me a long time to catch my breath.
You know you’re doing poorly when getting up to take a leak is a cardio workout.
But because I can go back to feeling relatively healthy by simply not getting up for a while, it’s easy to sort of half-forget just how bad off I am.
Until I stand up.
And then it’s kind of like being traumatized all over again. Not totally – I obviously don’t literally forget. But my mind’s attempts to snap back into shape after being deformed by the pain tend to dull the memory of just how much it sucks,
Better than just saying depressed about it, I suppose.
Kind of makes a walking-free lifestyle seem appealing. But only in theory. In practice, whatever the modality, getting around sans standing up would be an enormous hassle and a lot of work and involve a lot of complicated bullshit that would make me wish for legs that work a million times a day.
But as a dreamy little fantasy, it’s quite nice. I picture myself as some kind of spoiled and overindulged member of a heavily inbred royal family who has too many birth defects to be able to live a normal life so he has a whole cadre of servants who are dedicated to keeping him healthy, comfortable, and satisfied.
Such a wet dream for us oral retentive types. Maximum reward, minimum effort.
What I truly need to do is get someone to look at my legs. Because they have been getting weaker and weaker for a long time now.
Dunno if the problem is the legs themselves, or the nerves controlling them, Both are a possibility given all the time I spend with my 300 pounds resting on my big ol butt.
Or it could be cardiovascular.
All I know is that I want it fixed, and that means going against all my avoidant personality disorder instincts and bringing it to someone’s attention.
Doctor Chao’s, presumably. GPs are supposed to be the gatekeepers of medicine, after all. Everything starts with them,
But with me, it’s never just a matter of knowing what I should be doing. That’s the easy part. It’s finding the energy and focus and motivation to do it that’s the tricky bit.
There is something fundamentally broken in me. A vital organ of the soul does not and can not do its job and so where motivation should accumulate, solidify, and lead to positive action it just flows right back out again, leaving me drained and in despair.
I need to patch that shit up somehow.
But there is still that enormous Wound in me, crippling me, keeping me down.
I need to find what is keeping me from being able to heal it. I know i’s a sickness of the soul and that the solution will have to be spiritual.
But I don’t know much about things like that.
Guess I had best get my ass to learnin’.
More after the break.
Oops! Free food!
Tonight’s adventure with ordering in : getting the wrong order.
I ordered me some KFC tonight. My usual order – 4 piece meal, Mega Individual Fries, Individual Gravy, Individual Coleslaw.
That’s been my usual order ever since I was in UPEI. So when I opened the bag that was first delivered to me, I instantly knew it was wrong.
Instead, I found two chicken sandwiches of some sort. an Individual Macaraoni Salad, an Individual Potato Salad, and 4 Smore’s Brownies.
The only thing they got was my usual half-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi.
So I had to bring up the Skip the Dishes site and look for the “wrong order!” option. Which did not seem to be there, but then it was.
Then I had the option of taking Skip the Dishes credit or let them try delivering it again. I chose the latter rather than start the ordering process over when I was already hungry.
And then it displayed these golden words : Feel free to keep or throw away the wrong order you received.
Score! I got a whack of KFC in the fridge now. Gonna be eating that for a while.
Hope those sandwiches are something normal-ish and not “crazy hot” or something.
Gonna give the Smore’s brownies away…. except for one. Yeah, I know I should not be eating something like that, but I am only human.
And I got lots of insulin.
The latest in suffering
The latest trick my body is pulling is that sometimes when I get up after sitting for a while, I have a kind of hard cramp in that spot under my right kneecap that has been giving me trouble on and off.
This leads to every step being painful enough to make me cry out in pain, and that’s saying something given how shy and avoidant I am.
It goes away after a half-dozen steps though, which is what lead me to conclude it was a cramp. A few steps is enough to pop the knot.
Not fun, but at least it’s fixable and not something permanent.
Life is clearly coming for my ability to walk.
Better get on that toot suite.
Aaaand I just had another incident of feeling like I am being battered to the ground by an invisible but powerful giant.
It’s such a strange experience. I had gone to the kitchen to put something in the fridge, and when I came back, just as I was about to sit down, I felt the first bob.
Just a twitch, like I was doing an extremely brief courtesy.
And I had just enough time to think. “Uh oh” before the bigger bounces, including the one that took me all the way to the floor, came along.
Luckily, I went straight down this time, and thus landed squarely on the big fluffy safety pad that is my big fat butt.
So it didn’t hurt at all. But c’est tres bizarre.
It’s so weird, in fact, that I don’t even know how to Google it.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.