We ARE here, right?
With the way I am feeling extra incoherent right now, I can’t be sure.
On the other hand, other than feeling half out of phase with reality, I am actually in a pretty good mood, so maybe coherence ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Like I have said before, I would rather be the happy kind of crazy. You know, the kind where you laugh all the time and play with your toes and have a great old time.
Not exactly a dignified lifestyle, but it beats the hell out of being the sad kind of crazy.
In theory, actual sanity would be better than both. But I am not sure I buy it.
Sanity just seems so limited to me.
But I suppose it would be nice to be mentally stable for a change.
I’ve heard good things.
Besides, being sane in no sense means being normal.
Thank goodness, because THAT is where I draw the line. You might convince me to BE sane, but I will be acting crazy to the day I die!
Because trying to fit my enormous, radiant and bountiful personality into that tiny little dry ol’ box called “normalcy” would damn near kill me.
I’m too big for that shit!
Of course, we all know that’s only partly true of me.
I mean sure, if you are using the cartoonish definition of “normal” as meaning stifling conformity and enforced dullness, it sounds pretty bad.
But having been an “out there” kind of person all my life, I think I have gained enough perspective to see things another way.
From this point of view, normal just means “no longer being naked before the howling winds of insanity all the god damn time”.
It means having shelter from the storms within. Having solid ground to stand on instead of treading water all the time. It means having there be things I can rely on remaining the same in my head instead of the hell of eternal flux I live in.
It means finally, at long last, feeling safe.
My mind constantly changes in order to adapt to the needs of an ever changing mind. It’s like I am always struggling to catch up with myself.
It’s why I have such a strong need for autonomy. I can’t tolerate rules and restrictions that interfere with this fight to create some kind of fleeting sense of stability out of at least keeping up with the flux. .
After all, if my madness and I are going at the same speed and in the same direction, it’s kind of like we’re not moving at all!
As long as neither of us looks out the window, at least.
But I can’t help but wonder if I would be better off if I could somehow give up the chase. Let that crazy part of me run away from me and disappear over yonder horizon forevermore so I can finally stop running and go home and rest for a change.
That sounds so good. But I am not sure what it really means.
Part of me is definitely extremely afraid to stop. It knows we have not just been running to but running from and it is sure that if I stop something will catch up to us and GET us,
What that could be, I have no idea. Nothing literal, obviously. I can only assume that it’s something I don’t want to remember or have to deal with.
But at this point, who knows? Emotion has surpassed its object. Right now it’s just a massive wave of untethered fear threatening to engulf me.
It’s like trying to outrun a tsunami.
It’s like trying to tapdance during an earthquake.
It’s like running to stand still.
About where we’re going
I guess that says it all for now.
Why I won’t use hallucinogens
Because I’m already crazy, man.
I mean, at any given moment I feel like I am hanging on to sanity by the barest of threads. I am hardly going to look kindly on an offer to scramble my brains on purpose.
I can only assume that those that do experiment with acid or shrooms or whatever see it as some kind of exciting adventure into another realm, or somesuch.
Or maybe they are really into the whole “expand the LIMITS of your MIND, maaaaan!: trip. Good for them. I don’t judge.
But one thing I know for sure is that they never doubt that they will make it back. That no matter what happens on their trip, they will be back home when it ends.
I have no such faith.
In fact, getting trapped in my own mind with no way back to reality is one of my worst fears of all time.
Because to me, it feels very very possible. My world is already far too cerebral for my own good. I spend very little time in direct contact with reality. I am always either consuming media (reading, playing a video game, etc) or asleep.
And in those rare times when I am not mentally entertaining myself, I am still here in this extremely familiar bedroom in this extremely familiar apartment, and therefore not getting any fresh stimulation from my environment at all.
This is not a coincidence. Like I touched on yesterday, my brilliant solution to anxiety was to rewire my entire life so that is provided as little physical stimulation as I could possibly get away with so that I might devote myself full time to media consumption.
Thus I sealed myself off from the world. And that is where I have been for my whole adult life up until this very day.
Pretty sad, I know.
So it’s no wonder I fear falling forever into the depths of my own mind.
I am already most of the way there!
I am dangling by my fingertips over the maw of madness. One slip, and down its gullet I go, never to know reality again.
Or at least, that’s how it feels.
That could all be bullshit for all I know.
But I am stuck dealing with it either way,.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.