I had to skip Wound Care again. Dammit.
I was lying in my bed, attempting sleep (and failing), when at almost exactly 7 am (happened to look at the time) I got this awful feeling.
It’s hard to describe. Like this sinking feeling in my gut accompanied by a hot wind straight from the depth of a fetid swamp blowing through my soul.
And after that, I felt just terrible. The most prominent symptom was fever, or at least the feeling of it. [1] Like there was a roaring fireplace at the core of my being and the heat from it was radiating out through my skin.
Jupiters, I was hot.
Along with that miserable sensation came a grinding headache, a floaty feverish feeling like I am a barely heavier than air balloon. mild nausea, and coughing.
Clearly I could not subject the people at the Community Care Clnic to this.
So I had to call up and cancel at around 8 am. Hated to do it so soon after having done it before, but I had no choice.
Went to sleep after I got off the phone and I felt somewhat better. I still feel the heat coming from deep inside me, but it’s not nearly as intense.
The rest is still there, though. Le sigh.
And it’s making it hard to concentrate, which is making it hard to blog. What I really want to do right now, no surprise, is lie down with my head in the fan and rest,
This is the sort of state where even watching/listening to a YouTube vid seems impossible. Let alone something high-brain intensive as blogging.
At least, it’s high-brain intensive the way I do it.
So fuck it. I am going back down. Check ya later.
And I am back. Still not feeling very good but pretty sure I can at least come up with the 200 or so words I need to do to complete Part 1.
Managed to get a little fitful, feverish sleep. Welcome back to Afternoons Are Hell, it seems, otherwise known to mortals as “summer”.
I am going to look into getting one of those portable water-cooled AC units that are all the rage online. They seem to be reasonably priced and I really don’t need to be making my fragile health deal with constant overheating on top of everything else.
I wonder if I could get the Province of BC to buy me air conditioning as a medical expense. It would definitely improve my outcomes.
Still feeling pretty incoherent. Going to have to make sure to hydrate aggressively. Don’t want to end up withj heatstroke un top of all my other issues.
I wish I could just check myself in to the hospital already. I know that’s shamefully weak of me, but that’s just who I am, I guess.
I just want to surrender myself to the care of competent professionals and take a nice long restful vacation from having to be a grownup for a while.
Fuck it. I was never any good at it anyway. Time to stop pretending I can do this and start looking for something I will do better.
Like maybe I could be an aardvark. Or a telephone pole. Or a bassinet.
I would make an excellent can of creamed corn.
More after the break.
Prisoner of gravity
Feeling pretty down at the moment.
Getting out of bed after my latest nap was very hard, and not just because of the semi-busted state of my legs.
Because I really didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to stay there where it is soft and quiet and warm and dark rather than raise my overall stimulation level by getting out of bed and facing the world.
I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately. Like I just want to hide from this terrible world until it goes away and leaves me alone.
Things don’t work like that, of course,. The only real way to make your problems go away is to deal with them.
But tell that to the scared little animal inside me,
It’s okay, little pet. The danger is gone. You can come home and rest.
What would really help is the higher stimulation tolerance that can only come from prolonged exposure to an uncomfortably high stimulation level.
But I am too scared to do that.
When I contemplate something like that, all I can see is my getting trapped in a terrible panic attack as the higher stimulation level overwhelms me and I end up in a very, very bad mental state where I am panicking so hard that I can’t even think at all.
I have been there. It is very bad. The kind of bad that creates a very strong aversion towards anything that make make it happen again.
That’s the thing about phobias. At first you’re afraid of the thing. But after that, you are afraid of the fear you felt last time you encountered the thing.
So that’s the sort of trial by fire I would have to go through to get this higher stimulation tolerance, and so far, I just haven’t had the guts.
Just like the rest of the world, I don’t know how to handle me. I suppose there is a connection there somewhere. I never had any effective discipline applied to me after I started school and so I never had anything to internalize.
All I had was my own severely underdeveloped self-control. And that was enough to keep me going to school and getting the usual high marks, but it’s pretty useless when there is no school to give me structure and purpose.
Maybe if I manage to get out of this debacle with my legs with some kind of functional existence, I should just go back to school.
And this time, with a life in academia firmly in mind.
Because I would make an amazing professor.
And that sounds a lot better than actually getting a life.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.