Because my computer keeps crashing. Dammit.

It crashes in the usual way : screen goes black and nothing I do will bring it back to life except for rebooting the whole machine.

It’s been doing this for a while and it’s always been very irritating. But now it’s happening more and more.

And I don’t like that.

For a while, it was only happening maybe four or five times a week. But lately it’s been happening after about half an hour of gameplay and sometimes even less.

There’s this one difficult battle in Pathfinder : Kingmaker that I finally figured out how to beat only to have the fucking game to crash my computer right as I’m about to win.

That is so freaking exasperating! I’ve actually had to decide to see if that fight is necessary for the plot and I am pretty sure it isn’t, so I guess I just have to skip it.

But I have cleared out all the rest of the three floors of this dungeon except for the big final fight and so my need to be thorough is going to give me hell for not finishing what I started and beating this particular gang of bad guys.

And all because my computer regularly goes blind on me.

Which means I am going to have to finally get around to getting that new power supply. That’s the most likely cause of these crashes. The high speed setup I have uses a LOT of power, and sometimes my current power supply can’t meet its needs.

So the graphics card poops the bed and stops putting out any video information and that’s why the screen goes black.

And there’s nothing I can do but reboot when that happens because computer are rather hard to use without graphics.

I’ve tried power cycling my monitor and unplugging it from the graphics card then plugging it back in, but neither of those worked.

I do wonder what caused it to get worse recently, though. The most obvious answer is that this is a progressive issue and thus has been getting worse over time.

And that’s not impossible. It could be that my el cheapo power supply (I needed one in a hurry) is being overtaxed and that causes it to burn out slowly.

Which would mean I need to get that power supply like NOW, before my computer becomes completely unusable and I am forced to find something productive to do.

Perish the thought.

Actually, a lot of my life would be unlivable without a computer of some sort. Not only would I have no video games to play, but I wouldn’t be able to blog to you wonderful people. plus I order my groceries off of the Internet

So yeah. Should probably get right on that.

The other possibility is that it’s a heat issue. Something in the computer (probably the graphics card) is overheating and that trips a sensor somewhere and the whole thing shuts down to keep the microchips from melting.

Kind of important, that.

If it’s a heat issue, the solution might be somewhat complex. I would have to get spuug to find somewhere to install more case fans.

And the graphics card already has four of them.

Come to think of it, I haven’t heard that signature “plane revving up for takeoff” noise from my computer lately.

Maybe the real problem is that the fans aren’t working so when the chips on the graphics card get too hot, the only thing it can do is go offline.

I am going to be listening very carefully to my computer during my next gaming session.

More after the break.

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Society’s biggest secret

The reason rich people need to surround themselves with things that remind them they are rich, and indeed to keep buying more of said things, is that otherwise the spell would wear off and they would realize that money does not, indeed, buy happiness.

They are as much slaves of that powerful cultural delusion as the rest of us. We need to believe that money can buy happiness because if it doesn’t… what does?

What if the hidden truth is that we do not have the power to make ourselves happy. even if we had all the money in the world.

What if true happiness can only come from other people. Our fellow humans. What if true happiness cannot come from individualistic consumer society at all, no matter who we are, and no matter what we buy?

What if you can only be happy if you have good relationships in your life?

That seems to be where the science points. And yet, our souls reject this truth. We might superficially agree that money can’t buy happiness because it makes us feel better of our lack of it, but we don’t really believe it.

We all think that if we had a lot more money, we’d be happy forever. But we also know that isn’t true, don’t we?

After all, the homeless person we pass on a downtown street looks at us and thinks about how much more we have than them and probably thinks that if they had what we have, they’d be happy forever.

And we’re not, are we?

No matter what it is, it becomes the new normal and fades into the background. And then you have a choice : seek happiness in relationships instead, or delude yourself by thinking, “Well sure, getting more money didn’t make me happy THIS time, but surely the next time, it will. ”

And in a way, it will, because getting the money might well make you happy for a while.

And spending the money might also make you happy for a while.

But having the money never will.

And I think that is one of the prime reasons becoming rich turns people into monsters. They have gone all the way to the rainbow’s end, and there was no fucking gold.

Just more rainbow, on and on, forever.

And if you are born rich, it’s even worse, because you don’t even have the sense of accomplishment you’d get if you’d made all the money yourself.

And yet pop culture screams at you that you are “living the dream” and should be ecstatically happy all the time.

But you’re not. And that gives you a deep feeling of having been ripped off somehow and yet, society’s programming keeps you from seeing what the real problem is, so the pain makes you lash out at the world instead.

That’s why so many rich kids are assholes and bitches. And why they end up fucking up their lives with sex and drugs and dangerous sports and all the rest.

They’re looking for the happiness society has promised them. And they aren’t finding it.

And that really pisses them off.

Surely it must be around here SOMEWHERE….

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

You’re doing more harm than good.

Specifically, by lumping actual, real, science-based environmentalism in with all your Greenpeace hippie bullshit, you discredit the real thing and hand ammunition to the bastards who are killing the planet in order to make a buck.

Because you and your lot make big deals about nothing issues like the rainforest (never was threatened) and water conservation (saving water here does nothing to help areas where there’s drought, take the brick out of your toilet) and other cockamamie issues that are just as delusional as anything the MAGA crowd believes, your inane BS can be used to discredit all environmentalism, even the real stuff.

Climate change is real. Pollution is real. Endangered animals are real.

But your anti-industrialization and anti-science stance is absolute bullshit. Billions would die without the products of the Industrial Revolution, including you.

And science is the only reason you know there’s a climate change problem in the first place. You can’t accept the results of science as your holy cause in one instance and then rail against science in another.

Science may well have gotten us into this mess, but it’s also the only thing that can possibly get us out of it, too.

It will sure as fuck do a lot more to solve the problem than banging drums and smoking pot in the forest ever will.

Your whole “green” schtick is all about emotional reasoning anyhow.

When you think of farms and forests, you get a good feeling.

When you think of cars and factories, you get an icky feeling.

And clearly, if something gives middle class white people an icky feeling, it must be pure evil and deserves to be destroyed.

Sure, factories are icky and gross. And if they pollute, that must be stopped immediately. We’re on the same page there.

But just because something is icky and gross does not mean it is evil or bad or that we would be better off without it.

After all, the sewer system is disgusting and awful, and yet modern life would not be possible without it.

So it is with all the factories and cars and highways and fast food places that you and your ilk find to be so objectionable.

You need to put down that tambourine, shave off the beard, cut your hair, and put on respectable clothes so you can talk to your fellow middle class people as equals and “one of them” and connect your cause with their concerns.

But that’s your call. If you’d rather let the planet burn than put on a tie, that’s up to you. Nobody is forcing you to care.

But those of us who are actually dedicated to finding a real solution instead of the symbolic crap that Big Business has convinced you means you are “making a difference” and “doing your part” would greatly appreciate it if you went off to your Ewok village or vegan ashram and shut the hell up while the grownups are talking.

We have a lot to do and not a heck of a lot of time to do it. Saving the world is going to take nothing less than a massive overhaul of governance itself and that’s not the kind of thing that is going to happen if we give Big Business and its billionaire buddies a choice.

But don’t forget : there are billions of us and hundreds of them. If the people got together to make the necessary changes, there would be absolutely nothing they could do to stop us.

That’s how real change happens. That’s what actually makes a difference. That’s what being dedicated to saving the world really means.

Everything else is just mutual masturbation.

More after the break.

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A therapy…. Wednesday?

My therapist’s schedule has been all kinds of wacky lately.

Hence my having therapy at noon today instead of my usual Thursdays at 1 pm.

And next week will be normal, but the week after I won’t have therapy at all because it’s Rosh Hashana so he’ll be busy with family all week.

That’s the Jewish New Year, and a very big deal for them.

I wish him and his family all the best.

Today’s session was kind of bouncy and informal. I was in a good mood, so I guess I didn’t really feel like digging deep into my fucked up psyche.

I feel differently at the moment. Right now I feel kind of heavy and sad. Not sure what happened but I feel like it happened when the sun went down.

Maybe my mood really is solar powered.

But whatever. I am opening myself up to all my emotions now and that includes feeling sad some of the time.

I’d rather be sad than numb.

Sad isn’t fun but it’s not the end of the world either. It can be worked through just like any other emotion. It’s not like I’ll be stuck here forever.

The secret, like I told Doctor Costin today, is to just keep moving forward.

Keep processing my emotions. Keep that karmic wheel inside my soul rolling forward. Forever reject the supposed safety of stasis.

Fuck that noise. I want to live and breathe and feel and truly experience life.

I want to be alive, god dammit. Whatever it takes.

Let’s see. Oh, I told him about my microphone letting me down.

I did it without mentioning VRchat, of course.

I mean, the man’s in his seventies. I’m just glad he understands email.

I have not completely given up on that microphone. Some time soon I will take another stab at seeing if Google can deliver a solution unto me.

But it might be a hardware problem. Given that my computer can’t communication with the mic at all, that’s definitely a possibility.

It knows I plugged in a microphone, but that’s it. And I have tried two different USB ports and got the same nothing from both of them.

I should ask Julian to plug it into his laptop, see if it works there.

Worst case scenario, I just buy another microphone. Probably one of those headsets like you see people using in call centers.

All the l33t gamers use them nowadays so they can shout obscenities at each other without having to use their hands.

Sounds good to me. Fuckers.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

First thing I would do is open up Task Manager and end all the tasks that I don’t care about any more or that I don’t really need.

I am positive that a big part of my brain fog comes from having a subconscious mind packed to the gills with background processes that eat up my RAM (working memory and clog up my CPU (cognition) and generally make it harder to live.

No wonder I am so confused and lost all the time. My conscious mind, despite all its speed, power, and precision, has remarkably little space to work in

There might be a connection there somewhere.

i will think about it. Subconsciously.

The next thing I would do is a big ol defrag. My mind is like people’s garages or attics. Things are just shoved in there wherever because there is so much storage space and I am sure that I could think and remember a lot more clearly if I could just run a program to move it all into one tightly organized space.

And honestly, as this meatware of mine ages, the need for a better organized mind becomes more acute because I no longer have a seemingly infinite supply of cognitive resources and that means I am really going to need to prioritize somehow.

And I know there’s a lot of junk just lying around like carelessly scattered toys in a child’s playroom right before their parents get mad at them.

That ended up in a weird place.

But that brings us to the most delicate part of this whole metaphor : memories. Once I have pared down my RAM usage and defragged my HD, I would then have to face the daunting task of deciding which memories to delete.

Possibly none of them. As brilliantly illustrated in The Eternal Sunshine Of A Spotless Mind^[1], our memories make us who we are and become the very foundation of our being and our sense of self, and you don’t mess with that just to get rid of memories that are not fun to remember.

Plus, scientifically, our memories tend to be stored in long chains of association and there is no way to know what would happen if you decide to arbitrarily snip out one of those links. The whole chain could collapse and you could end up with huge blank spots in your memories or even total amnesia.

I wonder who I would be then? Certainly nothing like the current version of myself. I think if I had all my context removed, I would be a bright, cheerful, somewhat eager to please man whom people liked but also were wary of because there just seemed to be something a little “off” about me.

And they’d be justified in their wariness because I get the feeling that, shorn of my well established bedrock of morality, I could be a very tricky and unpredictable guy.

I wouldn’t become a raging monster or anything – I don’t think – but you probably don’t want to play games for money with this Fruvous Alpha.

What else can I stuff into this metaphor? I wouldn’t dare try to improve my operating system. The stakes would be way too high. No way to justify the risk.

Besides, all the purging and defragging will leave me with such a massive bounty of freed up mental hardware that I won’t need any runtime improvements.

Hell, even now I have way more brainpower than I know what to do with.

I always have.

I long for tasks that stretch my abilities. But all I have are things to occupy my mind.

And I still can’t be my own parent. Or rather, I already am, and I treat myself just as badly as my parents and siblings did.

I can’t be my own GOOD parent.

After all, I have no role models for that.

More after the break.

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Just who is this Greenwich guy and why is his time so mean?

---

Let’s try an Instagram embed!

This never fails to make me giggle.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by lilykzlaa (@lilykzlaa)

Hmmm. Not much of an embed. From now on I will just link the things myself.

Anyhow, I love that kitty goes smoosh clip. It’s the perfect blend of cuteness and slapstick. Plus the inherent comedy of cats violating their usual dignity.

No wonder the internet loves them so much!

---

Lining up the suitors

I’m finally at a point where the end of both Pathfinder : Kingmaker and Assassin’s Creed : Odyssey are in sight and that means it’s time to start looking for my next game.

I have enough Salad money saved up to get a game called Darkest Dungeon that gets really excellent reviews but it looks like this :

And I know that awesome games can have crappy or at least primitive graphics but let’s just say that look gives me pause.

Supposedly the story, system, and voice acting are all amazing. The game has an 84 on Metacritic, which is pretty good, and I will probably end up going with it.

But I am going to play the field for a little bit longer.

I’m so coy and flighty!

Even when I finish the other two, I’ll still be plugging away at Fallout 2. Re-acclimating to that super old RPG feel was a bit of a challenge at first, and I know that there’s no chance I will actually complete the quest my first time through (there’s a time limit – boo!), but for now it’s still pretty fun.

Especially now that I have a cyborg badass named Cassidy in the party. He has very good armor and a shotgun.

Right the fuck ON, motherfuckers!

And I continue to dole out harsh justice with my sharpshooting skills. Which is fun.

So even if I finish the other two games, I will have something to play while I look around for my next gaming love affair.

I’m such a slut!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Why does life have to fuck with me like it does?

So last night, in the wee hours of the morning, I decided that…

In this case, specifically, it was time for me to download and install VRchat again and try to get with the young hip furries there.

I’ve been looking to expand my online social world and I keep seeing these excellent videos made by people like AydenFox with VRchat that make it seem like VRchat is a really fun place to be, so I thought I’d take another stab at it.

This marked my third or fourth try at this. All my previous attempts have been thwarted by my old nemesis, social anxiety.

I would find someplace where furries were hanging out and talking and someone would say something to me and I didn’t know how to reply to them and my anxiety would redline instantly and it’s ALT-F4 time.

Man it sucks to be crazy.

This time I was a bit more forewarned. But when I went to the big furry hideout where three or four furries were hanging out and chatting, I was reminded that VRchat does not really work via text, but by voice.

So when someone asked me if I had a microphone, I went EEP and ALT-F4.

Luckily, I rediscovered my VERY solid Samson microphone ($80 and reportedly damned near indestructible) recently, so this was a recoverable situation.

So I freed up a USB port by prising a long defunct wireless dongle out of one (surprisingly difficult) and plugged the microphone in and loading up freeware Digital Audio Workstation (DAW) Audacity to try it out.

But I got nothing. No audio recorded. Hmmm. I went digging into the audio settings of Windows 10 to see if one of them was the problem. Nuh-uh.

Then an error message flashed by in the lower right corner of my screen WAY too fast for me to read it, but it said something about not recognizing… something?

Eventually I managed to click on the error thingy when it popped up and that made it stay on screen long enough for me to read that apparently Windows 10 did not recognize my microphone and that’s why it wasn’t working.

Well shit. Just when I was ready to dive back in and take the huge step of actually talking to strangers in realtime.

Terrifying! But also pretty exciting.

So right now I am stymied. Here I have this lovely unbreakable microphone and a service I really want to use it with but Windows 10 can’t connect to it.

I haven’t given up on it yet. There’s some suggestions on the Web on how to fix it and I am going to try those.

Luckily, I am the sort of person who gets angry when thwarted and so that makes me all the more determined to MAKE the goddamned thing do what it’s supposed to do.

It’s either that, or find my expensive webcam and try to use ITS microphone.

And JUST the microphone. I’m not ready for video chat yet.

Heck, I am barely ready for voice chat.

It’s going to be a huge increase in social stimulation for me, but I am determined to embrace that and do my best to turn that stimulation into enjoyment and enthusiasm instead of letting it turn into anxiety and panic.

One way or another, I am going to chat with fuzzies in realtime, using my actual voice, and thus level up my entire furry experience.

Oh, and I have to figure out how to take a picture of my current VRchat avatar.

He is so dang cute! 🙂

More after the break.

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Nothing I can do

Some of the worst moments when you’re disabled are the helpless ones.

Like just now. As part of making myself a chickenburger for supper, I put a hamburger bun in the toaster to toast.

The problem with that, though, is that these No Name hamburger buns I bought are not very big. Kaiser rolls they ain’t.

That makes it tough to get them out of the toaster when they’re done. It makes me wish we had one of those modern toasters where the basket can lift almost all the way out of the toaster in order to make it easier to get things like hamburger buns and bagels out.

Instead, I have to do that thing where you try to get it out with your fingers without getting burned by yanking it out really fast and with minimum finger contact.

Well this time I put a bit too much oomph in my pull because half of my burger bun ended up in the very narrow gap between the fridge and the cupboards.

So there I was, helpless. Because there was no way I could possibly retrieve it. I had to tell Julian about it so that he can figure out a way to get the dang thing out of there.

And that was a little humiliating.

But that’s what being disabled is like. By then my back and my legs were already in serious pain, so I could not even hang around to provide moral support.

And in a circuitous way that got me thinking about medic alert bracelets like the ones the famous “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” lady advertised.

I can easily seeing myself in that exact situation, or worse. I could hurt myself in a fall or get trapped somewhere when Julian isn’t home^[1] and end up in a lot of trouble, and not even be able to get to the phone to call him.

So having a little button to press to summon help that I can keep in my pocket would be just the thing.

And boy, does that makes me feel old. And I am old. I am not fooling myself on that.

But that feeling of helplessness is a killer. It’s got me very depressed and so I am going to go lay down in the dark a while and think about stuff.

Don’t worry, I am sure I will be fine after a good sulk.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

That’s how I am feeling right now.

More importantly, so far I haven’t had any weird metabolic events. So knock on wood there. No sudden fevers or attacks of demonic hunger or the like.

My new mouse (same as the old mouse) will arrive some time today. The currently delivery window is “between 3:15 pm and 7:15 pm”, which seems pretty vague to me but I guess Amazon’s delivery people have a lot more flexibility in their schedule than the workers in their warehouses.

Those warehouses strike me as a very modern kind of purgatory. Huge grey cubes filled with hapless workers picking products to make up orders at a downright inhuman pace in order to please their corporate masters.

But as long as enough people actually can match that pace, they don’t see a problem.

Ironically, 7:15 pm is when we usually leave for Denny’s. So in theory, the package is guaranteed to arrive before we leave, but possibly only minutes before.

No rush. I’ve managed to find a position for the wire connecting my current mouse to the computer where it more or less works as long as I am fairly delicate in my mousing.

Windows spellcheck says that isn’t a word. WELL IT IS NOW.

Take that, tough guy!

Logjams of the mind

Let’s drill down into my decision issues.

We will set aside the emotional problems and the way my depression uses indecision as a cover for my inaction for now, and concentrate on the cognitive side of things only.

Like I have said before, when I come to a decision point, it’s like my mind tries to go in all directions at the same time and sort of ingest the problem, like an amoeba engulfing some poor paramecium.

The microscopic world is so hardcore.

And the engulf and devour cognitive approach works quite well for me overall. It’s very good for learning things and adding that thing to my working model of the world.

Hence my academic brilliance.

But it doesn’t work for decision making except in very limited circumstances, where it is possible to actually calculate an answer.

Either mathematically or via some other logic.

Most of the time, this is not possible. There are too many variables and unknowns. To try to make a decision that way is inane.

Enter emotion. Because if you can’t decide via your intellect you are going to have to insert your own preferences and desires into the equation in order to decide at all.

And I don’t want to do that. To me, that feels too much like just guessing. I want to be able to thoroughly inspect and verify my reasoning before going forward and that is just not possible most of the time.

I can’t possibly know beforehand which is the best choice.

All I can do is make the best decision I can, and live with the consequences. And hopefully, if I do enough of that, my decisions will get better over time.

The inner mind CAN be taught. Your gut instincts CAN get smarter over time.

It just takes a while. And a lot of trial and error.

My future has to include the ability to make semi-arbitrary decisions. I will never have all the facts and even when I do I will not be able to predict and control all outcomes.

The universe, and our highly limited brains, don’t work that way.

So I am hereby giving myself permission to just make shit up as I go. Emphasis on GO. Because this means surrendering my need for control and going into unknown and unknowable territory with only my wits to protect me.

Luckily, I have some pretty good wits.

But in the end it all comes down to control.

Doesn’t it always?

More after the break.

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About this whole pet thing

Don’t worry. This is not (I think) an emergent new fetish of mine.

i have enough of those already.

It’s just a way to recontextualize my existence into something more positive than feeling like I am a blight to all who know and love me.

That’s an extremely fucked up way to see myself, but then again, what do you expect? I am mentally ill.

And that’s the thing about mental illness : it’s crazy.

Anyhow, imagining myself as functioning as a pet in people’s lives is definitely a step in the right direction.

It might not exactly have the status of being a full and independent adult, but it at least gives me a way to feel like I contribute something worthwhile to the world just by being my witty and lovable self.

This brings up an intriguing hypothetical : would I be able to take being someone’s human pet in a more formally declared way?

Not in a petplay fetish way. Nobody is putting a collar on ME, motherfuckers, and there is zero chance I will crawl around on all fours with paw shaped mittens on my hands.

But more in being someone’s house-husband in an old-fashioned nuclear family wife sense. Someone who is always there waiting for them when they get home from work with their slippers and housecoat and all the rest.

No pipe though. Because I don’t date smokers.

And yeah, I think I could take that. In fact, I might enjoy it quite a bit. Having a man to support me in an old-fashioned manly way while I cherish and nurture him in an old-fashioned womanly way might actually be the perfect situation for me.

Lord knows I could use a strong male presence to help steady and calm me and hold my hand while I cautiously explore the world.

And in return, I could be the sweet, gentle, soft, accepting and approving mother figure who gives him an island of understanding in a cold cruel world.

Yeah, that actually sounds pretty damn good for me.

And I would have no problem playing a secondary role in the household. I don’t particularly want to be number one or be in charge. And I have no interest in challenging anyone for status.

Fuck that noise.

But I would insist on being treated with dignity and respect. I might be second in charge in a two person household but that does not make me lesser or inferior.

The fact that I am letting him lead does not mean we’re not both dancing.

I hope that makes sense.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

That…. needs to never happen again.

Around 3:40 pm, I was hanging with the fuzzies and watching YouTube stuff – like I do – when I suddenly started feeling really, really bad.

And really, really HOT. I was burning up and feeling very ill. I had a serious head rush going on and it kind of felt like I was under a lot of pressure.

And not the like, this is a lot of work and the deadline is coming up kind of pressure.

I’m talking the kind of pressure you need a hyperbaric chamber to recover from.

I was seriously considering calling (out for) Julian or even calling 911. It came on so fast and was so scary!

But as I flailed about for a solution, I drank what was left of my water, and that immediately cooled things down.

Made me think of pouring water on an overheated engine.

So I decided to risk getting some water from the sink in my ensuite. Drank all 1.2 liters of it in around five minutes.

That’s happening a lot lately. My body’s demand for water seems to get stronger every day. It’s getting ridiculous.

Drinking an entire 1.2 L in five minutes is a daily thing for me now. And sometimes it has to happen several times before my thirst is sated.

And there must be a metabolic component because it keeps kicking into high gear some time in the hour leading up to lunch at 4:05 pm.

That’s why the first thing I tried was eating. But that didn’t really help. I was very hungry, but the overheating was the pressing issue.

I feel okay now. But this shit is getting out of hand. I’m going to have to start eating my lunch at 2 pm, like a sane person would, and I am going to have to be VERY assiduous in my thoroughly hydrating myself.

And if this keeps happening, or even getting worse, then I am getting my butt to the ER.

But not until after Denny’s.

---

In unrelated drama, my mouse is really acting up now. I think I have found a position it works in more often than not, but I am very glad that I have ordered a new mouse on Amazon and it will arrived some time tomorrow.

Until then, I am stuck trying to use my mouse without moving the attached wire much.

Ain’t that fun.

And ordering the damned mouse turned into a whole drama in and of itself. At first, Amazon.ca wouldn’t let me enter my latest credit card, so I had no way to pay for the mouse I need so bad.

Turns out Chrome, my web browser, was the problem. It was blocking the little popup window in which I would enter my latest credit card’s info.

I had to switch to using Edge to get around it.

Not cool, Chrome. Not. Cool.

Oh, and I thought that I’d come up with a workaround for the mouse problem when I remembered that Windows 10 has “Mouse Keys” as an accessibility option which lets you control the mouse with your numeric keypad.

Or rather, it should let me do that. But it doesn’t. Turned it on and it did jack shit. My mouse pointer remained stubbornly immobile.

In a word, ARGH.

Oh well. I only have to make it through the next day or so and then I will have a brand new mouse which will, in theory, behave.

The most important thing for me to remember right now is that, even though I was beset by problems today, I overcame them all.

Because I’m fucking awesome.

More after the break.

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..calling to me… nothing but…

Joined a new-ish social network called Blue Sky today.

Basically, it’s Twitter, but it :

1. Is not owned by or affiliated with Elon Musk
2. Is not yet the crapfest of negativity and hate that Twitter became, and
3. is not called something stupid like X

And so far, so good. I don’t actually know anyone on there yet, so the only person I am “following” is Weird Al.

Making it more of an antisocial network, I suppose.

But it has an excellent “discover” page which shows me… um, not tweets…. posts it thinks I might like based on the interests I selected while setting up my account.

So my feed is mostly filled with science fiction, comedy, and cats!

Now to write a sci fi comedy about cats…. hmmm….

My plan is to make myself known on Blue Sky by doing what comes naturally to me : leaving tons of comments and replies!

I’m a guy with a lot to say, and now I have a place to say it.

Meaning I will also post my own thoughts as well. I often have thoughts during the day that don’t really belong in a blog post but that I feel like sharing anyhow, and Blue Sky looks to be the place to do that.

Before now, my only social network type thing has been YouTube, where I also leave lots of comments and replies.

But that’s not really a social network at all. Nobody is going to subscribe to my YouTube channel just because they think my comments are hilarious.

That’s not how YouTube works.

But something like Blue Sky is all about the short bits of text, and hey-o, text is kind of what I do.

I just keep stringing the words together, day after day, 1K words at a time.

So who knows, maybe Blue Sky will be the platform where I finally network socially and expand my itty bitty social circle that way.

But if not, there are plenty of other platforms out there which might suit me better. Sooner or later, I will find a way to break through into the zeitgeist and get people’s attention so I can share my deep insights and hilarious observations with the world.

And thereby achieve my biggest dream of all : having people actually listen to me.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Right now, I am still hesitating before taking the plunge into the real world.

Feels like I have opened the door and then just stood in the doorway, enjoying the fresh air but in no hurry to actually go out.

Kind of like a cat in that sense.

Today has been plagued by fuckery re : my weekly shower.

First, a worker calls me up at 12:30 pm and asks me why I am not there for my shower.

And I’m like, “Um, because it’s not till 2:30 pm?”

But no, apparently my appointment got moved to 12:30 pm at the last minute. Apparently, they left is a voice mail to tell me this at 10 am or so, while Julian and I were at Wound Care.

Today my dressings were changed by a nurse named Svetlana. That’s such an awesome name. Feminine but with a butch edge to it.

Anyhow, I guess we are partly to blame for missing the 12:30 pm shower time because we failed to check the voice mail when we got home.

I am thinking we should give them Julian’s number instead of the landline number we have for the apartment.

Then again, in that case, if they wanted to talk to me, Julian would have to hand me his phone, which is a little awkward.

So mebbe not.

Anyhoo, then therapy happened at 1 pm. Chatted with Doc Costin a while, like I do. Went over my whole “dark ride” metaphor with him, where I’ve been living life like I’m going through a dark ride, like a tunnel of love or It’s A Small World, and the various exhibits (?) have been fooling me into thinking they are reality when it should be obvious that the real world is that big carnival outside this ride of mine.

The one us “failure to launch” types are sure is going to kill us if we go out in it.

i have a new theory of that re : me.

I think I am so sure that the real world will destroy me, despite my having all the skills needed to handle it, is because I went through absolutely none of the developmental stages needed to prepare me for adulthood.

As a result, I know, on a deep down animal level, that I am not ready to be a grownup. And that’s an important bit of info. In the wild, young animals that go out into the big wide world before they are ready get eaten.

The problem is that human beings are the most complicated animals on Earth and that’s why we have so many developmental stages to go through on our way to becoming a respectable tax-paying adult.

Miss any of those stages, and you’re fucked, because there is no way to finish them as an adult. It’s not like every public educational institution has a course called “Remedial Childhood” that can take you through all the development you missed.

And I missed more or less all of it.

Starting with kindergarten. Not getting to go to that put me behind all the other kids in terms of psychosocial development right from the get-go.

And that led to my become a social pariah with no friends and who had to hide from his fellow students during recess and lunch to avoid being bullied.

And that’s why i missed all the other developmental stages because they all require a peer group. So emotionally speaking, I went absolutely nowhere.

But my marks were stellar, so what’s the problem?

I was a robot that went to school. I feel like I am maybe around 8 years old, emotionally speaking. And there is no way to catch up on all the social development I missed now.

I’m like 45 years too late.

And FUCK those people who say it’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

I can’t very well go to kindergarten now, can I?

More after the break.

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Bonfires in the fall

No matter what the calendar says, it was definitely fall today.

I was VERY cold going from the car to Wound Car and back. Goosebumps galore. So I guess it’s time to start wearing my jacket when I go outside.

I always faintly resent that. I really enjoy being able to just walk out the door in my usual T-shirt and jeans in the summer and having to go back to wearing my bulky leather jacket again feels so restrictive.

I will soon get used to it again, of course.

Speaking of fall, when I was very little, I didn’t understand why every fall, the neighborhood would smell all smoky.

It wasn’t until the middle of elementary school before I realized that people were burning the leaves that had accumulated in their yard.

You know, the ones that fell there. In the Fall.

And I kind of feel like that’s what I am doing these days : burning the detritus of all my deferred emotions and watching the smoke disappear into the crisp fall sky.

I know that I can’t literally feel every single thing that I have suppressed over the years. It’s not like it’s all perfectly preserved inside me like it was on tape.

No, what accumulates is more like emotional potential. Every suppressed emotion adds to the total electrical potential of my amygdala and now and then something will cause that potential to arc into the conscious mind and I have one of my highly needed attacks of actually feeling things.

For which I am always extremely grateful because I feel so much better afterwards.

Well these days, I am trying to set that shit off on purpose. It now seems absurd to wait around for the random moments when the emotional charge discharges on its own.

I want to feel everything. Everything that is in me to feel. I don’t want to hold anything back out of fear of “losing control”.

Fuck the delusion of control. I will be far more in control of myself without all this emotional residue clogging up my pipes.

I see the way out and it’s emotion.

I can handle that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

If only there was a word….

Anyhow, I definitely just played way too much Assassin’s Creed : Odyssey.

I played for almost four hours in a row and during that time I did not feel tired or sleepy until right before I stopped.

I’d like to think that even if it hadn’t been time to lunch and blog, I would have stopped at that point anyway, but who knows?

Clearly my common sense was on vacation or something.

Anyhow, I knew I had fucked up the minute I actually stopped and quit the game.

Instantly, this heavy blanket of deferred tiredness landed on me and I began to feel a little lightheaded and confused.

But I still needed to make my lunch. So I had a command decision to make. Do I head to the kitchen like normal despite my feeling like my blood sugar was slipping, or do I call Julian and enlist his help?

I decided that, given that I didn’t even know if he was home or not, and I am, after all, smart of thought but dumb of action, I went for it.

And I was fine, more or less. I didn’t feel great and I was very glad to get back to my seat here in front of Mister Computer with my food, but I did not set of a cascade failure of my entire metabolism, and that’s a good thing.

I am so god damned sick of getting dizzy at the drop of a very small hat.

Now I have eaten all my food, and I sure hope that’s enough to keep me running right because I don’t have any more food here in my room and I don’t want to risk getting up to go get more.

But I do have an unopened bag of No Name pretzels out in the living room. Hmm.

What I could really use is some mixed carbs. Some complex carbs for the long haul energy plus a small amount of simple carbs to ignite the complex carbs like some kind of metabolic spark plug.

I don’t know what would fulfil that brief. A frosted bran muffin?

Julian was nice enough to bring me my pretzels. They’ll have to do.

I honestly don’t know how much trouble I’m in. On the one hand, I’m not super hungry any more, on the other hand the dizziness seems to be getting worse and is now accompanied by a weird heavy bloated feeling in my arms.

I am definitely laying down when I finish my words.

Things are feeling a lot more random for me lately. I guess that’s what comes of relaxing the system that kept me on guide rails going slowly forward like I was on some kind of dark ride that I until recently took to be my reality.

But the real world is the carnival outside the ride. Loud, colorful, busy, and a heck of a lot of fun if you’re doing it right.

For the record, I’ve not been doing it right.

It is admittedly tough to see the fun in life when you feel as bad as I do right now.

As if the other weirdness wasn’t enough, I’m also in the midst of an allergy attack.

Damn do I need to get back on them antihistamines.

My IBS has been acting up a bit too. Honestly, all I really want to do right now is go to sleep in the hopes of feeling better when I wake up.

That might be a bad idea. It would suck to have a blood sugar crash in my sleep.

But honestly, I’m not even sure it’s optional at this poitn.

More after the break.

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Stop resisting yourself

I am a man of intense inner conflict.

For decades, I have been quashing every drive I have except the ones involved with playing video games and writing on this here blog o’ mine.

You may have seen it.

And the thing is, these drives don’t just go away. They are still running away inside me just like with everybody else.

But mine are jammed. Blocked. Stopped up. It’s like the engine is revving away but the car is up against a brick wall.

Not only does this not get me anywhere, but it’s not good for the car either.

Thus I am a being subject to massive internal stresses. My mind and body are constantly at war with themselves as the drives say “go!” and the depression says “no!”, and I think it takes a toll on me that I have never truly acknowledged because if I did, I might want to do something about it, and “doing things” is strictly forbidden by the fascist state that is my inner life.

After all, if I start “doing things”, who knows what I will do? Answer, nobody! Not even me. And surely no good can come of such rampant anarchy!

Of course, I know that such feelings are wrong. I know that I would be a hell of a lot better if I just took my foot off the brake and let myself go. I know that all this self-resistance is very bad for me and boht my health and my happiness, and that surely there has to be a better way.

But I’m scared.

I’ve lived this way for almost thirty years now. I don’t know any other way to live. I have no idea what it’s like to act on my impulses. And I have no faith that it will lead to positive outcomes because of that lack of experience.

What I really need is a firm, strong, competent hand to hold me and calm me and guide me and help me get out of my own shadow so I can live.

I can’t do that for myself, any more than you can lift yourself by the scruff of your neck. I don’t have any memories of a better me to draw on.

For me, there’s been school and failure and that’s it.

And I went through absolutely none of the developmental stages that would have prepared me to be my own person and make it on my own.

No wonder I have always been sure that I will die out there, despite the fact that I have all the skills i need to survive.

But I never launched.

And it’s getting rather late in the game to do it now.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Woke up feeling burning hot and VERY hungry.

So once more, I had to do heavy damage to my trail mix supply. There is no way it’s going to last me till I do my grocery shopping Friday, so I am going to have to order in some more supplies from 7-11 when I have supper tonight.

Right now, I have at least partly sated the ravenous beast in my stomach by feeding it my leftover Subway from last Saturday night . And the feverish feeling has faded away somewhat. Still, I could really go for a burger right now.

This is the second attack of these symptoms this week and I am getting pretty worried. This is not at all normal for me. I really wonder what de fug is going on.

Both the hot feeling and the hunger suggest that something metabolic might be going on. Something that makes my metabolism kick into crazy overdrive and burn through a hell of a lot of calories way too fast.

Maybe this is an atypical reaction to low blood sugar? Like my body says, “Oh crap, we’re starving, dump the energy reserves into the bloodstream so we can go out and get some frigging FOOD!”

Eh. Plausible but inconclusive.

Clearly, I am going to need to get my butt to a doctor of some sort sometime soon. Lots of weird stuff has been happening to me lately.

None of it a smoking gun clearly indicating a defined medical problem, of course. I don’t get that kind of clarity. Things are always weird and vague.

But blood sugar crashes are no joke. I think I need to start having a snack around noon. Something with complex carbs and healthy proteins.

A bran muffin, maybe?

The words are not coming easily. My head feels foggy and lost. It’s hard to stay focused on the screen. My mind wants to go back to bed, I think.

But I have words to write first.

Just got up to get more water. Because I am probably dehydrated too. I know I was super thirsty earlier today.

Which is also worrisome, of course, as that is a classic sign of diabetes. But I find it rather hard to imagine my blood sugar being too high when it just crashed.

So it’s probably just plain old dehydration from sweaty, feverish sleep.

I realize I’ve been roof-mending lately. That’s when you use a problem as an excuse not to deal with said problem and then when the problem ends , you’re like, what problem?

Clearly I need to gather my wits and gird my loins and be a grownup about this whole thing and get Julian to take me to Urgent Care the next time this happens.

Doctor Chao is useless on that front (and many others) because it takes at least a week to get to see him and that’s for a phone appointment.

I also need to pull the trigger on going back on antihistamines. I get the feeling a lot of the badness and weirdness lately has an inflammatory component and so keeping my allergies under wraps would help with that a lot.

I think part of me just doesn’t want to admit that I am not doing so well lately. It wants to go on thinking everything is OK and nothing requiring adulting is needed so I can go back to gazing into my own navel and digging out the lint.

And, you know, playing video games way too much.

That’s most of what I do with my waking hours. I just fritter and waste them in a offhand way playing video games.

That’s what I’ve done with my life so far. Played a lot of video games for way too many hours and spent the rest of the time napping.

It’s all such a waste!

More after the break.

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Another way out

I am still searching for that middle path in between giving up and putting pressure on myself to escape.

Actually, I suppose I know what the path is. It’s to find and free my inner motivations so that I can approach self-liberation with a spirit of joy and enthusiasm instead of it being something I am trying to make myself do.

Life could be a heck of a lot more fun if I could just learn to relax and go with the flow and embrace my naturally ebullient nature.

Oh, but then I might be “out of control”.

Well then fuck control. So what if I don’t know what I am going to do next? I would say self-control has had a good long run and has been proven to be a dire enemy of my prospering and growing, and it’s time to give going with my gut a try.

Lately I have found myself fantasizing about what a life with a lot less thinking would be like. What kind of person would I be if I let my emotions take the driver’s seat?

Hearty. Gregarious. Impulsive. Probably somewhat shady. Not in an immoral sense – it would still not be in me to hurt people for my own gain – but more in the sense of always looking for the angles on things nobody else sees.

I dunno how many times in my life I’ve seen a simple but novel solution to a problem, proposed it, and had people just kind of stare at me blankly because even though, on paper, the idea is super simple and easy to understand, in practice it’s so far out of their expectations and understanding that it does not fit in their brains.

But back to the actual topic.

On the less great side, I imagine a less thinky me would be obnoxious, pushy, somewhat greedy, and rather self-aggrandizing.

Or arrogant. Or something. Whatever word covers, “clearly thinks he’s hot shit without him actually saying anything”.

Could be worse, really. I think I’d be someone who might well be the life of the party right before getting kicked out of it.

Or maybe I am wrong and I would turn into some professorial type instead.

There’s a lot of possibilities.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Mouse as in the input device, not the adorable rodent.

Earlier, my mouse was being very naughty. It was connecting and disconnecting randomly, and it was shredding my poor nerves.

I don’t handle that kind of thing well. I’m too high strung.

The problem appears to be the cord connecting the mouse to Mister Computer. ^[1] I had to play a game similar to the contortions you used to have to do to get a TV signal back in the days of broadcast television just to get it working again.

Yes, my children, there was a time BEFORE the cable TV that you now presumably find quaint and strange and hard to understand.

There was even a time where if you wanted to watch a TV show, you had to actually be in front of a TV set at the time it was broadcast or you were SSOL.

Ask your dad what that means.

I’m still wrapping my brain around the fact that the generation I still think of as “the next generation”, Millennials, are actually the first place winners of the old people contest now. They are yesterday’s news, just like the hippies were in the 1970s.

Now we have Gen Z in the coveted “young people today” position and Generation Alpha is waiting in the wings.

The oldest Gen Alpha kids are 14 right now, meaning these kids were born in 2010 at the earliest, and that is so weird to me.

I’m only now learning to accept 90’s nostalgia. And I know we will be switching to early 2000s nostalgia soon and I will be completely lost.

I mean, I am already completely lost because I have never watched any of the one hour dramas that rule the culture for a spell.

So no Game of Thrones, no Downton Abbey, no The Sopranos, no Breaking Bad, no The Wire, no Orange is the New Black, nothing. None of these shows appealed to me.

Admittedly, that is largely because by the time I hear of these shows, they are already massive cultural juggernauts and I instinctively hide from shit like that.

I’m Gen-X and that means I inherenly avoid massively popular mainstream things. To me, those things always read as “crowded”, emotionally speaking, and I don’t endure tightly packed crowds for anything short of immortality.

Social anxiety. Claustrophobia. Bad childhood experiences. An extremely strong need for autonomy. By their powers combined, these things make tight crowds a no-go.

Oh, and tragically poor childhood socialization too.

I try to keep an open mind about things. I don’t reject things solely because they are mainstream. I am open to absolutely anything being good.

But I confess that when something gets acclaimed as the new thing “everyone” is watching, that makes me want to avoid it like the proverbial plague.

Call it anti-social. Call me a typical “edgy” Gen X-er. Call me closeminded. I won’t argue with any of those.

But I have been a contrarian all my life. Whichever way the herd went, I went the other way, and benefitted from whatever they left behind.

There can be a potent advantage in being an outlier.

Which is good, because the reasons I have to stay at the edge of the herd are not good.

Deep down in the guts of my nervous system, I am still the monkey raised in isolation who now sees the other monkeys as a threat.

I consider myself lucky that all this resulted in was my being a loner. It could have been so much worse. I could have ended up with a rage disorder, or Asperger’s, or even severe withdrawn nonverbal autism.

And the one thing I am not is a misanthrope.

Even though God knows I have every reason to be.

More after the break.

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More about misanthropy

The thing about misanthropy is that it’s not logically supportable.

None of our opinions on “people” are valid. There is no person named “people” about whom we can generalize. There’s almost eight billion human beings alive on planet Earth right now, and you think you know something about ALL of them?

Any opinion we have about “people” (or “humanity” or “the average citizen” or whatever) is clearly hopelessly biased by our own singular personal experiences which cannot, in any sense, be taken to be typical for the entire species.

Same with opinions about “life”. Whose life? When? Where? If you think life sucks, then that must mean that you think literally nobody is happy. Not even the people whose success in life you envy and resent.

Now I am not saying these abstractions are not necessary. Indeed, I am not even saying they are optional. Our anthropomorphic bias is so incredibly pervasive and strong that we even have to relate to the entire species AND life itself like it’s a person.

It’s hardwired into us. Myself included. I have had dark thoughts about “people” and “life” before. Knowing that these abstractions are irrational hardly makes me immune.

But it does give me a way to rescue myself from such dark ruminations. I can remind myself that whatever I am feeling about “people” is not based on anything rational and therefore I am free to discard it and return to neutral whenever I want to.

Because the truth is, we don’t know anything about “everybody”. But that truth is so massively unacceptable to us that we have no choice but to pretend we do.

The real truth of unique individuality multiplied by eight billion people is absolute madness and chaos without some degree of generalization.

And as irrational as they may be, these generalizations are functional. They “work”. They allow us to navigate the extreme complexity of the modern human social web without completely losing our minds and ending up hiding under the bed.

So consider these accurate but unwelcome observations of mine to be something you simply keep in your back pocket for emergencies in which an exit from social reality and its distortions is needed.

Otherwise, carry on illogically.

After all, we’re only human!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.