The first one is the videos by this guy :

I’ve only watched a few of his videos and I already adore him. As far as I am concerned, his videos are perfect internet contents because :

1. He’s very likable – he seems like the everynerd to me
2. He’s very funny, in a sharp but also self-deprecating way
3. He’s very cute (might be a less big deal for others, idk)
4. The videos are about gaming, and, hello!
5. The videos are informative, interesting, and entertaining
6. I don’t have a sixth point
7. I really love watermelon

Well I’ve never been good at staying on topic.

I like his videos so much that in my mind I am paying them the ultimate compliment of being jealous of them.

I wish I made stuff that good! He’s doing the exact sort of thing I want to do.

Well, one of the things I want to do. I got a million different ideas for what I want to do on YouTube if I ever manage to become functional enough to make videos again.

I can record videos with Microsoft’s Camera app. I’ve gotten that far. But the audio goes out of sync when I try to edit it, so that’s my current gumption trap.

It doesn’t have to be one, though. I could just record the videos all in one go and pop them directly onto YouTube, and then use YouTube’s editor.

Either that or try to figure out why Corel Video Studio is fucking up my vids. In many ways that is preferable because I’d be able to edit video the way I like to do it.

Now where was I? Oh yeah. Scott the Woz and his videos.

You can bet I am taking copious mental notes. His videos make me feel like I am taking a master class in how to make YouTube content and I want in, god damn it.

But would I cover video games? I dunno. It’s such a crowded topic. And I don’t like crowded rooms. I get claustrophobic.

Then again, I’ve already decided that the real product in anything I do will be me. My personality, my charisma, my wit, my unique point of view.

So who knows, maybe I could make gaming videos as good as Scott’s.

Not the same, though. Not only would I never try to directly compete with stuff that good, videos like his take a lot of research, and a researcher I am not.

So I’d be more likely to do game reviews, or stuff about video game design or my hot take on the latest gaming news or whatnot.

I feel like I might find a natural home in soft journalism.

The other discovery is actually a re-discovery of how much I love reading gay furry porn comics. And how good it is for me.

Perhaps it scratches some itch that would normally be satisfied by actually going out into the world and finding romance. And I am considering it.

In the form of trying to become active on some dating site.

But not the hookup apps. I am more interested in people I can talk to than sex. I am just plain not built for casual hookups.

Unless some kind person invites me to an orgy some day.

Anyhow, reading these comics is good for the soul for both a light and a dark reason.

The light reason is that they present a positive, wholesome, fucktastic view of a world where being gay is no big deal and gay romance is just as likely as the straight variety and things are saner and nicer and better overall.

The dark reason is that sometimes they cause this deeply buried powerful aversion reaction I have towards homosexuality, no doubt left there by my childhood rapist,to surface, and I want to bring that shit up as much as I can because only by feeling it and dealing with it will I ever be rid of it and I want that shit gone.

It’s gotten in the way of my having sex far too much.

I deserve to get proper laid, dammit. Like the bottoms in the comics.

And I don’t need old tapes in my head getting in the damned way.

More after the break.

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Iceberg on the horizon

Julian, please do not discuss any of the following with Joe. Like, at all, I don’t want him to feel bad and I don’t blame him and I’m not mad.

But I have a very large problem coming up and at the moment I cannot think of a solution and that has me worried.

See, Joe hath revealed unto me that his parents are not going to have a big Xmas dinner this year because they are both in their 80s and just aren’t up to it any more.

Fair enough. I am not entirely surprised. At the last Devoy family Xmas dinner I went to, I could tell that his parents were struggling to keep up.

So I completely understand. But it leaves me in dire straits because that Xmas dinner was the one thing keeping me relatively glued together through Xmas eve and Xmas day, and without it I will be spending the entirety of Xmas all alone and I am really not sure how the fuck I will survive that.

I will have to talk to Doctor Costin about it when we do Therapy Thursday this week. And once I am over the shock I can try looking for places online where I might find some kindred spirits that day.

As patient readers know, Xmas is a very psychologically dangerous time for me. Sentimental holidays cut right to the core of my feeling alone and isolated and alienated and worthless and abandoned and bereft and alone.

Yes, I know I said alone twice. It fits.

Were I healthier, I might try volunteering at a soup kitchen or some equally Xmas-y appropriate venue. Were I wealthier, I might rent a hotel room someplace swank and at least be alone in luxury. Were I more socially connected, there might be any number of places willing to let a poor little droop-tailed fox come in from the cold on that wintry day

But I’m none of those things. I’m me. And my usual safety net will, of course, be busy with their own families that day, because unlike me, they still live where they’re from.

But I am all alone and a solo Xmas could leave me feeling awfully depressed and I don’t want to end up in that very bad place.

And unfortunately, I am not able to take the scrooge option. I will always love Xmas, no matter what Xmas does to be in return, because I would rather be miserable than to cut off or shut down the part of me that loves Xmas.

I’m a sentimental fool, and that’s both my nature and my choice.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.