I got nothin’ going on in the real world, so let’s talk about my actual life : video games.
They’re the addiction that is ruining my life, after all. If I could just pry open the jaws of this goddamned beast enough for me to get a few actually productive hours a day in, I might actually get my life moving at long last.
I’m this phenomenally talented and brilliant dude and yet I waste almost every waking hour of the day burning my brain cells with fucking video games.
It really is a tragedy. I could be doing so much good in the world. And making so much god damned money. And having so much hot fucking sex.
I have many layers of motivation.
I know this cage I live in will disappear when I stop needing it. I am entombed by my own desperate fears from long ago. The idea of true exposure to the world, without the cage, makes me feel like I am going to die.
Like it would kill me the same way sunlight kills Dracula.
And it’s very hard for me to truly get a grip on those fears because they are such a fundamental part of who I am. The rape that made me the “man” I am today happened when I was only 4 years old and absolutely everything about me is built on that foundation. That makes it not being there literally unthinkable for me.
I want to heal that brutal untreated trauma from a long time ago. But what can you do when your entire being has been warped and distorted by a single brutal act?
And how can I hope to function as an actual grownup when so much of me is locked away along with the memories of that terrible event? When I was raped, I withdrew deep into my mind to escape what was happening to me, and left only the bare minimum of my being still out in the real world in order to navigate life.
And I have lived primarily in my head ever since.
Maybe that’s how I got so god damned smart. I mean, I was a bright kid before the rape – learned to read when I was 3 – but it might have been the rape that, by driving me so deep into my own mind, made me develop so fast on the mental side of things.
And barely at all on the emotional and social sides of things.
No wonder I always feel so weak. Like something vital, some fundamental fuel, is missing and without it I can’t pull myself together at all, let alone do stuff.
Every now and then the mists part and the sun shines and I can feel okay for a little while. But most of the time I am huddling all hunched up inside, dying from the cold.
And I don’t know. Maybe my problem is physical. Maybe my heart just can’t generate the horsepower I need in order to get things done. Maybe my diabetes ridden circulatory system can’t handle the strain of actual motivation. Maybe I am just too god damned old and decrepit to grow up.
Maybe I just missed the fucking boat entirely.
But maybe it’s psychological too. With so much of my being packed away deep inside of me, I just don’t have enough me to rescue myself.
And nobody else can do it. Nobody is going to stop to pick that sad little fat kid up out of that snowbank and take him someplace warm and show him that he’s loved.
And don’t fucking tell me to do it for myself. That’s not possible. There is no part of me that is strong enough and has its feet planted on solid ground enough to do that.
So I dunno WTF. I am extremely pent up, stopped up, and frustrated, and some day that might just kill me.
But what else can I do?
More after the break.
Sex Ed with your Digimon. I know nothing about the show but from the smut I have seen that cute red lizard Guilmon is SUPER popular.
But what I like about this one is the clear warmth and affection mixed in with the lust and the gentle exploration of it all.
It all adds up to a VERY sexy package for yours truly.
And for you too, maybe!
And remember, Guilmon can talk, so it’s not technically bestiality!
Anyhow, video games
Another try to talk about what I meant to talk about in Part I.
I think I’m getting kinda burned out on Morrowind. There’s tons of the game I have yet to see but it’s all starting to feel kinda same-y.
There’s tons of mods, too, so I am going with those for now. Plus I started a new playthrough after my momentum with my Argonian spearman petered out.
It seemed like a good idea to install Tamriel Rebuilt, a huge mod that basically doubles the landmass of the game, with more cities and quests and so on.
But what I found was that the quests were mostly what I call “city quests”, where you just go from point A to point B, do a thing, proceed to point C, and so on.
There’s no combat, no dungeon crawling, no figuring things out. Just a whole lot of travel and text interactions.
Yawn. I need more than that to keep my interest. Even the one or two dungeons I found were pretty underwhelming.
I get the feeling the maker(s) were more interested in quantity than quality.
So I uninstalled the thing and started a new game as a spell chucking High Elf. Dunno if that will last, though. I am wondering what a stealth playthrough would be like.
Probably terrible, at least at first, given how much I suck at stealth.
But it might be worth a try, just to get some more play out of the game.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.