My exact level of assertiveness is kind of hard to define.
For example, I am ferociously opinionated. And I will take on anyone, anywhere, and at any time in the arena of public opinion. When it comes to expressing myself in that way, I am utterly fearless and would argue with God Himself if I thought He was wrong.
At the very least, I would request clarification on whether the laws in the Old Testament, and especially that Leviticus bullshit, were ever meant to be His laws too.
I suspect they were not.
And I am also fearless in the defense of others. I am constitutionally incapable of letting injustice happen in front of me without trying to intervene. I will throw myself into the jaws of danger not because I am especially courageous but because to sit by and do nothing is beyond unthinkable to me.
And I know I might make things worse.
But I have got to try.
On the other hand, my social anxiety has been so bad that I found myself unable to signal to my waitress that I wanted a refill on my drink because she looked busy.
And it’s still very hard for me to advocate for myself. To demand things, or even just ask for them. The power of the bad, bad tapes in my head telling me that I do not dare ever ask for anything because people are already only barely tolerating me is still too strong.
I was roundly resented for my entire childhood and it’s taken till now, at the ripe old age of 51, for me to realize it.
It’s not my fault I was a surprise.
So it would be accurate, if somewhat misleading, to say I have a problem with assertiveness. It’s very hard for me to stand up for my own needs and insist upon being treated as an equal.
Because in my head, I’m not equal at all. I am The Thing That Never Should Have Been, a hideous monstrosity utterly repugnant to all and wanted by none.
I mean, I must be, otherwise why did I get treated like I did by everyone? Parents, siblings, teachers, you name it, all clearly viewed me as a something disgusting that they wanted as little to do with as possible.
And yeah, I know they were wrong to do that to me, I know that now. But all that abuse and neglect is still written large upon my soul and I don’t know how to rub it out.
What I need, I suppose, is all of the opposite input that I can get. I need people to tell me that they want me around and that they are happy I am in their life and that they don’t view me as a liability or worse a social leper at all.
Because that feeling that nobody wants me around leads directly to the feeling that people would be better off without me and that leads directly to the bad place.
And I don’t want to go to the bad place.
I might not make it back out.
So let’s try to sum up. I can assert my opinions… just try and stop me. And I can assert myself on behalf of others in order to defend and/or protect them.
But when it just involves me and my fate, I’m as meek as a child.
In fact, it’s only been in recent months that I have even started to wake up to the fact that I am perfectly capable of pursuing my own best interests.
I may not always have the proper brain chemistry to do it – though I am working on that – but I am always capable of going out into the world to find my fun.
I can do it. It’s allowed. I don’t have to worry that someone will get mad at me for trying to do it myself. I don’t have to just passively absorb whatever happens to me like I am no more than a leaf in the wind and my fate is not my own.
I need to accept that I am responsible for myself.
And that being responsible for myself is a good thing.
Because it means I can finally start to grow up.
More after the break..
I very much enjoyed this gay furry smut-ish comic.
It’s very well written and really touched me on an emotional level. There is such warmth in their relationship and it’s just everything I would want out of love.
For those of you unfond of gay furry smut, there’s just one long sex scene between Ethan and Allan and it’s not important to the plot at all so feel free to skip it.
And this is another good one. It has almost constant nudity but not that much sex per se. And the plot does get kinda wacky.
I hope you enjoy them too.
A totally different person
That’s what I think (fear) I will be if I get myself sane.
I try to imagine myself without all the anxiety and aversions and escapism and I just can’t. I can grasp “me but happier” as a concept but when I try to imagine what that would actually feel like, I can’t.
It’s like I am trying to see all of a line that goes over my horizon. I just can’t see ahead that far. I don’t know what that would be like, or who I would be.
I’d like to think the end result would be more or less the current me, but with all my best points turned up to 11 because the mental illness isn’t holding me back any more.
So super funny and kind and charismatic and loving and cute, basically.
And able to open myself up and express myself in absolutely massive ways. Ways so big they create a fucking shockwave when they land.
In my heart of hearts, I want to come roaring out of the shadows and on to the world stage with a thunderous TA DA! and wow them all.
And I truly can do that.
If I just get out of my own shadow for a change.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.