I’m not feeling it.
Mostly because I know that I’m not getting much of a Xmas at all this year. No dinner with Joe’s parents and sister, no gifts from my mother n’ brother, and just the usual dinner at Denny’s for me and my tight knit little friend group.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy to do Denny’s with Le Gang, and this time, it comes with gifts, and I love giving gifts.
I like getting them too, of course. I’m as greedy for the loot as the next guy. But for me, the greater pleasure has always been in the giving.
What can I say? I love making people happy. Especially those I love.
But yeah, other than tonight, I’m not getting an Xmas this year unless I make one for myself, and so far I have not been able to get my shit together enough to provide one for myself this year.
I’ve never had to do it on my own before. I don’t know where to begin.
The only thing I have planned is ordering a turkey dinner from Denny’s for supper on Xmas day. Woop de frigging do.
In theory, I know things I could do to make things more festive. I could decorate my room. I could watch the Alistair Sims version of A Christmas Carol. I could order myself a box of sugar free chocolates.
Or maybe some not-too-sugary naughty treats, even.
But meh. I just don’t have the motive power for any of that. It all comes back to the main core issue that I don’t find my own welfare to be particularly motivating.
I am still in the grips of internalized neglect and learned helplessness. I can imagine all kinds of solo holiday activities and I can even imagine enjoying them but it all just seems so sad and pathetic to me that I’m not sure that it wouldn’t make things worse in the long run.
Thus my thinking uncharacteristic thoughts like, “it’s just a day and soon it will be over”.
That’s far more Grinch-like than I have ever been before. Patient readers know that I have always kept Xmas in my heart despite the inherent dangers to my fragile psychological state and tender, sweet little heart.
But I’ve always had dinner with the Devoys to anchor me before. It’s hard to even fathom just how much having something to look forward to means to me. I could see my way through a lonely Xmas Eve knowing I would have Xmas Dinner with a lovely family to look forward to.
But now, alas, I have nothing, and no experience with spending Xmas alone and somehow making it feel festive and special.
I’m not good on my own. The last time I lived alone, I lost my frigging mind to depression, and that was when I was a lot younger and healthier.
I could investigate places to go for us lonely souls on Xmas Eve and/or Day. I am sure there must be something in this big ol’ GVRD of ours.
But there would be no point as there would be nobody to drive me there. My friends will all be with their families on Xmas Eve and Day.
I suppose I could finally get around to looking up what would be involved in taking HandyDart to places.
For those who dunno, that’s a kind of specialized bus service/taxi for us gimps. It can take you door to door to things like doctor’s appointments, shopping, social events, and all the rest.
I’ve never taken it before because I’ve always had wonderful Julian to take me the places I needed to go.
And I could look it up, and research places I might go, and do all kinds of wonderful things to make life happier for me.
But first I’d have to convince myself that I am worth the effort and expense.
And that’s a pretty tall order.
More after the break.
More gay furry smut recommendations!
Well, furries plus whatever the heck Leo is.
I love Leo the Magician because it has everything I love – it’s warm and sweet and funny with seriousness peppered in and it is quite joyously pro-sex to boot.
Its entirely sensibility is very very “me”, plus I love how the art style eschews any pretense of realism for good, solid, appealing, cartoonish character design.
And that’s very “me” as well. If I had a webcomic (again), that’s the style I would want to to be in, albeit maybe slightly more detailed.
But the most important factor is the characters and their expressiveness and appeal.
I love how well written and developed it is. I can feel the emotion in it so clearly! And that makes it super sexy to me.
Even though “all they do is give each other handjobs”. Pshaw. I am way past the age where specific sex acts or combinations of genders and genitals will mean very much to me at all. For me, it’s the emotional intensity and context that turns me on.
And Funkybun’s stuff is so well written! They understand that lust is an emotion and therefore emotion matters in smut just like it matters everywhere else.
And I so totally identify with our, shall we say, more experienced critter. I can totally imagine doing the same thing in the same situation myself.
Maybe it’s my trickster nature. I dunno.
Farewell to Xmas 2024
”But wait! ” the version of you in my head cries, “Xmas isn’t until the 25th! How can you be saying goodbye to it on the 22nd?”
Because my Xmas is over. I did Denny’s with Le Gang and we exchanged gifts and I got a few nice things and that was pretty much it.
I loved every second of it, but that was it for me this year unless I can somehow find it within myself to arrange something better.
And it’s not looking too good for that.
I am at least going to do some extra grocery shopping so that I have nice things to eat on Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon.
And I will order something nice for myself for my personal Xmas dinner. Just to be on the safe side, I had my turkey dinner at Denny’s tonight. So in theory that leaves things wide open for Xmas dinner.
Maybe it will be more Denny’s. Maybe I will see what White Spot is serving up. Maybe I will go totally random excess and have some festive Xmas donairs.
We will see what I feel like at the time.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.