Some of it quite old school.
My technology and I are not getting along right now.
My monitor still has that vivid vertical black line on or in it. It’s freaky because not only does it look like a real defect of some sort, it goes all the way from top to bottom just like a real scratch or whatever would do.
So I have to run my thumb over it now and then to remind myself that there is nothing actually there, at least on the outside.
Plus, I have looked it up, and it’s a known issue with some LCD monitors. Tends to have to do with a flaw in the connection with the computer.
Looking into that next.
And my tablet is out of commission. Grr. It’s out of juice and when I try to plug it in to recharge, it beeps and tells me there is moisture in the USB port and refuses to charge for me until I fix it.
Well I have done everything they suggest to fix it and it’s still effing there. Denying me.
The one thing I haven’t tried is seeing if a new charging cable will do the trick. But not for lack of trying.
I bought a new cable from 7-11, and after falsely believing it to have the wrong size USB connectors – had to physically compare it with the old cable to realize I was wrong – I was all set to give it a try.
Only to end up in the Chinese Hell Of Not Being Able To Fit The Connector In The Port For Some Reason.
Can’t make the old one click in their either, so I know the fault lies not with the new cable but with myself.
I will have to calm myself down as much as possible before I try again, and go into it knowing I have to take it slow and be patient and not let it frustrate me.
Ya know I really am rather high strung.
Finally, my phone died. My regular, old school, land line phone. Only the top row of keys works when pressed. So I can receive calls but I can’t make them.
I mean, I don’t even know anyone in Orlando.
So now I need a new land line phone. Luckily, they still sell them. They have plenty to choose from on Amazon. Phew!
Guess I was feeling some middle aged paranoia that I had been obsoleted.
I’m just going to get a cheap cordless. I want a cordless so that if I am waiting for a delivery, I can lay down in bed while I wait if I so choose.
My current phone’s cord doesn’t reach.
I will not be sad to see that old thing go. I’ve had it for 24 years and it’s been a pain in the ass because of how easily the handset ends up off the hook the whole time.
Still, it did last me 24 years, so it’s not all bad. It at least hung in there so it could continue to annoy me for all that time.
I am also shopping for a clock. How old school is that? I want one so that I have a way to tell time even when I am playing a full screen video game or lying in bed.
The only problem with that is that I am a fussy bitch and I don’t like any of the ones I have seen on Amazon so far.
I am probably going to get a digital clock just to cut the goddamned Gordian knot.
More after the break.
The lonely warrior
Yesterday, I talked about fighting depression alone, and I want to pick up from there.
One thing that always cuts me to the quick when I am trying to research things that might help with my depression is when they talk about how important it is to have a really good support network.
You know, a group of people you can count on for support. People who will be there for you no matter what. People who understand you and your illness. People you can go to when you need somebody to talk to when you are feeling down.
When I read about that, the coldness and bitterness rise in me as I rue the life that has never given me those kinds of people.
But that’s not true. I have Joe and Julian. And they’re awesome.
If I still feel like I am always fighting my illness alone, the problem, once more, lies in me. There are people who could help me if I could let them in.
The problem is, I don’t really believe that.
Deep down, I don’t think anyone can help me. Not even my therapist, though he tries.
But I know that no good can come of my truly opening up to the people because then I would have to subject them to all the bitter rage and toxic hostility that lurks just below the surface of my cute and fluffy exterior.
And they can’t handle that. Nobody can. Even my therapist was left terrified and bewildered by the “real me” (one of them, anyway) so what chance do people like Joe and Julian stand?
Nobody can handle me. Nobody has ever been able to handle me, except maybe my babysitter Betty. As a result, I have been, in essence, unregulated for my whole life.
And it’s about a lot more than just intellect. Lots of very smart kids nevertheless are subject to adult control and guidance. My siblings, for instance.
But not I. I could not be controlled. So I basically raised myself.
And kids make lousy parents.
I was not just way too smart for my own good. I was rebellious and defiant and as independent as all get out. I was clever, stubborn, and had great force of personality.
And I never once thought the adults in my life were wiser or smarter than I. They were not. They were, in fact, largely full of shit.
Like I said yesterday, they and I were both lucky that my defiance is situational, not habitual. As long as I am content, I am compliant. And I am not hard to keep happy.
Looking back, I can see that if it wasn’t for this equanimity I would have been absolutely impossible to deal with and quite possibly ended up expelled.
Because then I would have made it my hobby to mess with the teachers and the system purely for my own amusement. And as a way to illustrate their hypocrisy and weakness.
Bad things happen to kids like that. Nobody wants The Joker in their school.
But there was probably a happy medium between passivity and sociopathy. Some way I could have protested being bored in the classroom and bullied in the schoolyard that would have gotten my point across without too much mayhem.
Too bad I was so passive and weak.
Even back then, I was in survival mode.
But can you blame me?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.