Feeling unsettled at the moment. Like a predator that smells prey.
Or like said prey. Both work.
Partly it’s because it’s the end of my fiscal month and I am having the usual financial stress. Never quite enough money for various things left on my card and so I end up fretting over the choices I have to make.
I will probably solve it the usual way : by handing Julian most of my remaining cash and asking him to go buy me a new secured Mastercard from the friendly folks at PayPower.
I was hoping to avoid that this month. I’ve done it three or four months in a row and it always makes me feel like I have failed at financial planning somehow.
And that really hurts.
Eh, who knows. I might be able to get this week’s groceries to just barely fit into what I have left on the card and make it all work.
But if not, whatever., It’s all my money either way, cash or credit, and these fussy little financial compulsions of mine aren’t doing me any good.
Then again…. if I get a new card with $400 of my remaining $450 in cash on it, I could maybe order myself a new monitor quite soon.
Once I figure out what in the heck I want in one.
Absurdly high resolution, basically. If it’s bigger too, great, but mostly I want the kind of beautiful high res graphics my new GPU supports.
Should be easy on the eyes… literally. Higher res graphics should be easier for my weak eyes to focus on.
Which reminds me of one of my wackier invention ideas : software for your PC where you can input the prescription for your glasses and the software then distorts the graphics in the same way your glasses do, allowing you to use your computer without having to wear your glasses.
And as a bonus, you will have total privacy because to everyone else it will just look like a big blurry mess!
I know that this idea is technically possible. But I can’t imagine there being enough demand for it to justify the R&D costs to make it happen, let alone the legal costs from getting it through the various legal challenges Big Optical would no doubt throw at it.
It would have to be the pet project of a group of hardcore graphics nerds.
So if any of them ever read this, go for it, guys!
Just remember to give me credit.
Back to my emotions. Always a tricky subject for me.
I suppose enough reason I have that unsettling unsettled feeling is that I haven’t been able to ejaculate in a while.
Um, trigger warning, I guess.
Heck, with my tablet out of commission, I have barely been masturbating at all.
I mean sure, my extensive porn collection is here on this PC but it’s way easier to enjoy my special “me” time when I can do it laying down.
Well I have ordered a new charging cable off of Amazon and it should be arriving some time tomorrow and hopefully that will fix the problem.
If not, I will have to contact Amazon and bitch to them about it. Hopefully they will either know how to fix it or just send me a new one.
I need to jack off in bed, damn it!
Plus I really miss TikTok.
More after the break.
The long sad
My base mood right now is basically one long, wracking, silent sob.
Which is a good thing, more or less. It means that silent sadness that lurks deep within me and distorts my mood and thus my entire umwelt is finally getting some expression.
I wish I could just let it all out, and not silently either. I want to cry for days if that is what it takes to finally let that sad little boy inside me express the terrible fear and pain he has been holding ever since I was raped at the age of four.
That’s the thing with acts of random, brutal violence : they are so painfully out of context with normal life that it’s very hard to integrate the memory and so they just remain there as this isolated island of pain that can’t be expressed.
Not all at once, anyhow. The mind’s deep defenses block that entire notion on the grounds that the fear and pain are too immense to be handled by the conscious mind and would destroy it.
But I want to heal. I need to heal. So something has to be done.
I want to hold that sad little boy close and stroke his forehead and give him all the love and warmth and acceptance and recognition his long cold childhood denied him.
He’s suffered so much and been so very cold and lonely and through it all he kept it all to himself and just kept soldiering on no matter what.
He deserved so much better out of life than his icebox upbringing.
It wasn’t just the world’s fault, though. When he was raped, an invisible wall went up between him and the world and that wall blocked the sun most of the time and did not let the feelings in, good or bad.
Very little got through that wall. He was locked away in his own little world of media consumption, where everything was safely locked behind the glass of the television screen or the computer monitor, or sealed within the pages of a book.
I don’t think this wall was impossible to breach. But it would have taken someone pretty special. Someone of great warmth and compassion could have melted that icy wall and given that little boy a reason to believe there was something in this world worth opening his little heart for.
But they would have to be tough and persistent too because looking after him could be quite the wild ride given how you never knew what he was going to say.
And of course, it would help if they are pretty smart too. That’s not strictly necessary, though, as the things he needs have nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with the deep animal language our souls speak to each other.
You don’t have to understand a child to love them.
You just have to be strong enough to hang in there and love them no matter what.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.