The next time I type to you, I will be seeing my words on the new monitor.
God willin’ and the crick don’t rise, anyhow. I have the clearing off section of the task done and so the next step is to unplug all the components of my computer and remove them from the desk’s surface so I can grease up my elbows, get a podcast or YouTube video playing on the tablet, and get down to scrubbing.
Hopefully the goop residue remaining on the desk won’t put up too much of a fight. Granted, this is a task I can do sitting down – otherwise it would not be possible for me.
But I am still not a very healthy man, and thus I don’t have a ton of endurance.
But whatever it takes, I will get it done. I have learned a valuable lesson from this experience : I actually enjoy tasks like these once I get started on them.
That’s the main energy expenditure : starting. Once I have started, my natural inclination towards finishing what I start takes over and makes the whole thing seem a hell of a lot easier.
And it’s not like I have something better to do with my time.
Even more important to remember is that I am not exactly miserable when I am working away on a task like this cleanup.
That’s just the voice of addiction talking, trying to convince me that if I spend one second more than absolutely necessary without the goddamned electric tit of video games in my mouth, I’ll just die.
BullSHIT I will. All I need is a podcast or YouTube vid to listen to while I work and it’s not a problem at all. It’s barely even a thing.
What’s more, it gave me something physical to invest my energy into and that’s a very good thing. Anything that helps me drain off the excess energy that my overwrought mind generates but then can’t handle is a good thing because that will make for a far calmer and happier me.
Effort is not the enemy. I don’t need to live in a constant state of false energy austerity.
It’s insanity alone that can take a state of constant surplus and covers it in an illusion of deficit in order to maintain its iron grip on my psyche.
Effort is my friend. It sets me free, lets me breathe easily and be comfortable and not be anxious and fearful all the god damned time.
All a nonstop diet of video games does for me is keep me distracted and occupied. It doesn’t make me feel any better. When I close the game I am just as anxious and depressed as I was before I started playing.
I need to do other things, things that take a lot more effort. Things that produce some kind of concrete product instead of just more wasted hours.
It’s a dirty rotten sin that all my wonderful gifts languish unused when I could be using them to make things way, way more satisfying and fun for myself.
I mean, I am a god damned wizard. Legit.
So why am I stuck in this stupid dungeon?
More after the break.
The crick done rose
Well okay. So I haven’t set up the monitor yet.
Mostly because I have been sleeping. As usual, I took a nap after I finished Part 1 of my blogging, shown above.
Unusually, I slept three hours, and woke up at 8 pm. Which is when I usually (ish) do the second half of my blogging.
My own fault for starting part 1 when it was already 4 pm, which is technically an hour later than I should have.
Which means I could have started this section at 9 pm, but whatever.
Things happen how they happen and there’s only so much control we have over outcomes at the best of times.
I am not going to let my depression use this as an excuse to beat me up over “failing”.
Fuck that. I did what I could. Fate took it from there.
I’ll probably go back to sleep once I have finished my words, too. I definitely do not feel like I am done yet. So odds are that I won’t finish up tonight, either.
Again, you can only do what you can do. My mind and body have apparently decided that it’s time to get caught up on sleep.
It might even been the day’s earlier activities plus the work I put in yesterday that have triggered this outcome. I finally made myself tired enough to get some genuine, decent sleep for once instead of my usual restless and disturbed slumbering, and by God my brain is going to pounce on this opportunity.
And ya never know. After my second nap, I might actually feel up to doing some more work and get to work taking the stuff off my desk and giving it a good scrub.
Nothing it set in stone yet. Anything is possible, at least in theory.
I’ve been having what I will call sadness attacks lately.
At random moments when I am in between activities, I will get hit with am overwhelming feeling of grief and despair, and I have to just ride it out.
This is a good thing.
It means my emotions are escaping confinement and bypassing my stale and corrupt “rational” mind in order to be felt.
This opens the door to ever more intense emotional eruptions, hopefully leading to the kind of transformative apotheosis that could leader to true growth and healing for me.
Bravo to that. I’m all for it. I have known for a long time that my path to recovery will require me to sacrifice short term stability for long term gains at some point, and I am ready to do it.
And I know it won’t be easy or fun. Psyches as fundamentally rigid and stable as mine do not change easily. It’s going to take something pretty big to shift me.
I might even have to go full blown nuts for a while.
Hopefully it won’t come to that. I would hate to become an even bigger burden on Joe and Julian than I am now.
And I fear ending up in an asylum or the like because I might end up liking the total lack of responsibility for myself so much than I never make it out again.
Depends on if they let me have my computer in my room or not, I suppose.
I can put up with a lot of things if I have my games.
Sad but true.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.