It’s fair to say that I am not in the best of moods.
Hence my new cheerful little slogan up there. I have entered one of my angry nihilism phases and I will just have to make the best of it by squeezing as much toxic rage out of the open wound as I can while my anger is close to the surface.
For starters, I hate my stupid fucking life.
This is no way to live. Clinging to the underside of life like a barnacle, playing video games all night and all day to keep my mind too full and distracted to hear the constant piercing scream from deep inside me.
A scream that rises from deep within my soul as the percentage of life that doesn’t involve video games or blogging (so at least like, half) howls in pain from its brutal smothering suppression deep in the back back back rooms of my mind.
Something deep within my soul is struggling to be born, and that make it all the more aware that it si buried – trapped in a teeny tiny cage inside my mind.
So it feels a lot like something inside me is dying.
I suppose that’s true too. I wonder which one will win?
I want to be alive and vital and connected and secure. I want to be able to embrace life instead of turning my back on it and plugging my ears. I want to be strong enough to see life as something to enjoy, not something to endure.
I am so god damned sick of being so god damned cold inside. All this Midnight Tundra crap has got to end. Every winter ends in spring, doesn’t it?
This self-sealing sarcophagus of a life is just plain not good enough any more. I am waking up from a very long and fitful slumber and I am waking up cranky.
What the fuck is going on around here, anyway?
And the worst part is that I know all this ranting and raving will ultimately have no effect. Because the whole point of this exercise is to make it more comfortable to keep living the same damned way, not to actual inspire me to change anything.
The fascist government within’s only goal is to pacify. Not liberate.
So maybe I should focus on the pain instead. Let its fires cleanse my soul. Let it goad and prod me into a higher level of consciousness than my usual half-sleeping self-medicating bullshit existence.
Maybe it could even teach me not to be so afraid of my own power.
Pain is a teacher, after all.
So go ahead and roast the toxins out of me, long-smothered fires of pain. Purify and temper me and remind me that I am, in fact, alive and present and real.
Because this half-dreamt existence is a full on nightmare. I am drowning in quicksand and I can barely get myself to care. Certain oblivion awaits me if I don’t get my shit together and yet my shit remains very far apart.
Because I am dead inside. Dead, dead, dead, dead, DEAD. At the very core of my being, right in the spot from which all life springs, I have nothing but a rancid tumour spewing venom and eager to see me suffer.
I am so very, very fucked up.
Now to lay down and try to forget all this.
Wish me luck.
More after the break.,
Fuck everything forever
Not feeling one heck of a lot better.
Can’t be sure if this is emotional growth or a physical illness.
Maybe it’s both.
But either way, I feel crappy overall. I feel like I’m seething with anger and breathing fire. I want to do a lot of the hurting of things just to vent the radiation.
Good thing I have video games. Very useful for that kind of thing.
I reinstalled Elder Scrolls Online to see if it works with the new hardware, and it does.
And WOW has a lot changed since the last time I played it.
I decided I should probably do the tutorial quest in order to re-familiarize myself with the game. This was done out of an abundance of caution, seeing as the last time I played the game I racked up 1,620 hours of play.
That’s 67.5 days, or 9.5 weeks, of my life sunk into something that has no tangible reward and really just wastes my time.
Such is the trap that I call my life.
No matter how much I rail against it in this space, I know that when I finish blogging and have had my post-blog nap, I will go right back to playing goddamned video games.
Hell, I just bought a ridiculously expensive and enormous monitor just to play video games a little better.
And tomorrow, more RAM for my compu-box will arrive for the same purpose.
Then again, what else would I spend it on? A weekend in Acapulco? A jet ski? A BRAND NEW CAR? I don’t have that kind of money.
More seriously, I have no other hobbies. My video game addiction has hollowed me out completely, as addictions are wont to do.
And it is mostly because it saves me from having to figure out what to do with myself. I used to feel the burden of days quite heavily. When you are disabled, you have a lot of hours and nothing in particular to do with them.
Playing an enjoyable video game seems a lot more fun than staring into the existential void that is your meaningless life and wondering why you ever bother to do anything.
It’s a lot worse in the long term. There are all kinds of things I could be doing to try to develop myself as a professional writer.
Writi8ng contests, open calls for submissions, forums for writers, and so on.
But in the short term, it’s way easier to just keep playing the damned games. And the brutal truth is that you have to survive the short term in order for the long term to matter.
And right now, I don’t feel like I have the wherewithal to reach outside myself and take in new things. I feel like I have no bedrock on which to build a new life. There is nothing solid and reliable enough for me to truth inside me.
It’s like I am floating in outer space, unable to move because there is nothing for me to push off of and no innate means of propulsion so all I can do it float helplessly.
And I intuit that I will not find my inner ground until I somehow deal with that giant psychic wound that’s been inside me since I was raped when I was 4.
And I can feel the pain draining away as my mind’s healing mechanisms slowly filter it out of my bloodstream like emotional dialysis.
Already, the wound seems a lot smaller than it was before. Maybe some day soon the wound will close and I will be at least somewhat whole again.
One can only hope.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.