I made some points about my poor relationship with reality.
Not the ones I set out to make, or at least, not all of them, but still.
Here it is :
I guess that’s the problem with my “start with a topic and just talk about it till you’re done” method of making videos.
Sometimes it results in a very natural and honest free-flowing style that is both evocative and easy to listen to and I end up with sometimes I am quite proud of.
But sometimes I just end up lost, forgetting what I set out to say because I just can’t brain that day and I end up with sometimes still good, but less so.
That’s how I feel about today’s vid. In retrospect, I wish I had given myself more time to think about the subject.
Oh well, live and learn.
It’s gotten bad enough that I am actually contemplating writing down a few words about the points I wanna make and using those notes when I speak.
Which smacks of… dare I say it…. PREPARATION??
Perish the thought. I would lose some of my fresh, spontaneous charm.
On the other hand, it might fight that feeling that I have not said what I wanted to say as well as I wanted to say it that I get after each video lately.
Artistic growth always comes with a certain amount of pain. For every moment of transcendent bliss as one truly levels up as an artist there are a thousand fitful middling aggravating moments where you’re trying to figure out how to say what you are trying to say, whatever that is.
Or at least that’s how it is for a writer like me. I suppose painters don’t sit there agonizing over the next brush stroke.
Or maybe they do, I have no way of knowing.
Today’s been an average normal cookie-cutter day for me, apart from therapy. Way too much time spent playing video games instead of doing something more productive or at least more new and exciting and stimulating.
Maybe I should start uploading my videos to Instagram as well. Those videos seem to get around pretty good.
Of course, to really promote my videos, I’d have to…. promote my videos.
And that means I would have to work a hell of a lot harder on them so that they don’t embarrass me when others see them and they definitely could not be daily.
Maybe a couple of times a week.
Or at least I’d want to. That brings us back to the question of what, exactly, I could do to make my videos more likely to catch on with people.
Preparation would help. As would the oft mentioned pix and clips. The audio quality could be better – something seems to be lost when I upload them to YouTube.
But maybe all I really need is to talk about things I am really passionate about and let my natural flair for oratory do the rest.
Right now, I am sleepy. A thrilling update, I know. When I have made my word count I am going to need to lay down for a nap even though I don’t wanna.
I’m 52 years old and I am still having internalized arguments about bedtime.
Kid : (literally mostly asleep with Xbox controller in hand)
Mom : OK, young man, time for bed!
Kid : (snapping awake) Nuuuu, I want to stay up and play!
Mom ; You’re already half asleep.
Kid : (snapping awake again) No I’m not….
Luckily, I am a grownup now, technically, so I know that when I am this tired, I am better off napping whether I want to or not.
But I don’t have to be happy about it.
More after the break.
Dark clouds of the soul
I feel like I’ve got dark clouds rolling through my soul today, leaving me in a glowering kind of mood that I have decided to try and just sit with rather than doing what I usually do, which is to bury that emotion and pretend like it never happened.
As a form of emotion self-regulation, it sucks hyena taint.
So instead, I am going to ask myself why. Why do I feel this angry darkness, this hungry void, this black hole spewing Hawking radiation inside of me tonight?
Frustration. That’s definitely a big part of it. I feel pent up and frustrated, like a zoo animal in too small a cage that is just waiting for the next opportunity to snap and suddenly savage a zookeeper.
Like I keep saying, I have a lot of anger and lust and ambition and pretty much every other energetic and passionate emotion bottled up inside me without a way to release them and that’s extremely corrosive to my mental wellbeing.
And as things currently stand, those emotions have literally no way for me to express them. I am that emotionally constipated. That clogged up inside. It’s all locked away deep inside me behind the mask of sweet little cheerful Fruvous.
The problem is that the person I pretend to be is the person I’d rather be. He’s the main way I escape from having to be myself and the main reason my true self hides behind so many layers of shadow and illusion.
I try to pretend he doesn’t exist. Just like my family did with me.
That can’t be a coincidence.
Maybe I deeply internalized all that neglect and negation and I treat myself like I’m not welcome or wanted too. I certainly treat myself like I’m not worth time or effort.
I don’t know how I fix that but I know where to start :
I did not deserve how my family treated me as a child. It was unjust and unfair and abusive. I was a perfectly wonderful child, bright and cute and sweet and charming and lovely, and they made me feel like a god damned cockroach. The way they treated me reflects nothing about me or my intrinsic nature or worth. They neglected a truly exceptional child and all for the crime of being unintended and inconvenient. I never asked to be here but once I got here I should have been treated with love and respect and patience and kindness, just like any other kid. The magnitude of the injustice perpetuated against me is incalculable, and I am finally ready to carry it.
Here’s hoping that helps.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.