Some of my thoughts about being a furry and what it means to me.
And whatever else I ended talking about.
The thing’s 12 minutes plus long, I can’t be expected to remember it all!
Voici le video :
It’s sort of part of my recent trend of telling all about myself in my videos.
The destination is catharsis. I am a devout believer in catharsis and seek it religiously (in a sense) and lately I seem to have entered a new and especially fruitful phase of it where I can move quite large chunks of emotion instead of merely whittling away at that vast edifice of unprocessed emotion that is frozen around my heart.
Now big chunks are coming off that glacier of emotion and floating serenely south as icebergs where they melt harmlessly away.
And just like that, I’m back to the water imagery.
Well what the hell. Water is emotion. Air is thought. Fire is passion.
And Earth is the actual physical literal stuff of the world. “Everything else”, kinda.
Anyhow, I want to keep those icebergs calving off my glacial heart, so lately when I tr to think of what I want to talk about in my video, I am rummaging around in the attic where I keep my old emotions and looking for something that’s ready to “go”.
And I am proud and pleased that I can do this now. It means I am becoming less and less alienated from my emotional self and more able to directly access my emotions instead of having to just sort of grope in the dark after them like they are some distant mystery from beyond the stars.
Metaphor and poetry and symbolism are great and they still are and will likely always be the “truest” way I know of to express myself.
It might sound strange but there is so much that goes on inside my soul that is far too dense and complex to possibly be expressed in traditional straightforward language so for me, poetic expression is the closest thing to “speaking my language” I know of.
Hence my rather confusingly referring to myself as “the world’s only rational materialist mystic poet”. I don’t believe in mysticism or the supernatural at all, but I get where it comes from and I often use mystical language to express things for which there is no other kind of language.
What I am saying is that I am really, really deep. Om. (gong)
Especially for someone without religion or any sort of transmaterialist belief system. I have always instinctively known that my inner word contained so much that I simply could not explain to others because it was nothing like anything else I have seen anywhere in the world.
In a way, then, my entire journey as a writer over the last 15 years or so has been about stretching my ability to express what is going on inside me so that I can put more and more of it out into the world and finally get it out of my damn head.
I definitely feel like over the years I have been able to handle larger and larger blocks of emotion until arriving at today’s catharsis rich territory.
In theory, if I keep stretching and strengthening the aperture, at some point all the rest of my frozen emotions will thaw out all at once and I will finally have that flood I have needed for so long.
And who knows who I will be after that?
I can’t wait to find out.
More after the break.
Little black cloud
Feeling surly and pissed off at the moment.
Not at anything major. A few minor things going wrong in the kitchen when I was making my supper. Dropped it when I was taking it out of the microwave, which honestly could have been a lot worse, it just resulted in losing a bit of chicken pot pie goo (er… filling). then my pants fell down because as it happens, I forgot to put on my belt today.
Typical for me, sadly. Being as detached from reality as I am, where I live my life as if paying attention to reality cost me money, is not a smart or healthy way to go through life by any stretch of the imagination.
But I keep it up anyhow. Oh well, I guess I am just plain not a sensible person. I do dumb shit for entirely emotional reasons and the kicker? It doesn’t make me happy.
It’s just all I know how to do.
Not in a knowledge sense. Obviously I “know” about all the other possible ways to live that would be a lot less stupid. Anyone with an IQ above room temperature does.
And I’m Canadian, so that shit is in Celsius.
No, I am about not “knowing” what else to do with myself like I don’t “know” how to water ski, even though I am familiar with the concepts involved.
I don’t have any experiences of living free of the screens and the games and this god damned room to draw upon. Not any more. I have been emotionally crippled for 30 years and at this point, my life before this seems like it happened to someone else.
That’s why this unhealthy state of being of mine feels so much like hypnosis to me, or magnetism. It feels like I am locked into this mode by a force stronger than my weak desires and way stronger than sad little self-interest.
Maybe course of action A would make my life a whole lot better. It probably would. In theory, there’s tons of things I “could” do that would help.
If only I wasn’t chained to this stupid little life of mine and hypnotized by the routine and the distractions and the illusion of freedom.
But does it really matter that I don’t know what’s stopping me?
All that matters is how to free myself from it.
And I don’t have a fucking clue.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.