I figure I must be, by sheer size alone
There a lot of me.
But that aside, I know that despite my shyness and timidity, I have a pretty strong presence, and then there’s the sheer wattage of this gigavolt brain of mine.
I do think I intimidate some people with that. They have no way of knowing that I am a gentle giant intellectually as well as physically, and don’t throw my metaphorical (or literal) weight around unless it’s absolutely necessary to preserve the peace.
In the Canadian sense of the phrase. Like what Mounties do.
If they are the Mounties, who are the Mounters?
Oh right, I also did a vid today.
But back to my impressiveness.
My depression and anxiety (they’re a team) often make me feel like I don’t matter, I”m not even here, nobody notices me, nobody cares about me, and nobody would even notice or care if I disappeared forever.
But I suspect the opposite is true. I think that not only do a make a strong impression on people with my vibrancy and charisma and intellect, I think that if I am not careful I tend to “use up all the oxygen in the room”, so to speak, and it’s only my hesitance and civility that keep me from obnoxiously dominating every conversation I am in.
And not by being pushy or loud, either. Just by sheer magnetism.
Luckily I learned that lesson when I was at UPEI and learned to be a good boy who made sure everyone got a turn.
I sometimes wonder if I over-learned that lesson though. Maybe I would be a happier dude if I just let my enormous personality off the leash and let it get some exercise.
In some appropriate setting, obviously, otherwise I would be being a pain.
I never want to be the sort of person who makes people say, “Oh God, no, it’s him!” and avert their eyes when I walk in a room.
I suppose the Kinsmen event is apropos enough. Maybe when I go there tomorrow and when I have the Xanax in me I will try taking my light out from under my bushel and see what the heck happens.
I could be thronged by admirers.
But I hope not because that would freak me the fuck out. I mean, maybe not, if the Xanax is doing its job, but thinking about it in my currently alprazolam free state gives me the sweaty clutching panic.
Seriously though, I am not sure what I would be looking to get out of that experiment. Further connection with others, I suppose. Maybe even a decent shot of actually feeling like I belong somewhere and fit in.
There’s a heady thought. I don’t think I have ever felt truly like people wanted me around, even when they patently did.
Those old bad tapes in my head still play pretty loud.
I am low key panicking just from typing about this subject. I know that I have social damage that goes pretty damned deep and that makes me, for lack of a better term, alien to a lot of normal human things.
Because I grew up so alone. The animal studies of what happens then are quite conclusive and it’s not good.
You end up with individuals who may never be able to socially integrate at all. A vital developmental window was missed (namely all of them) and as a result I simply do not have the sort of social instincts all the other happy little monkeys have.
But I am quite friendly and lovable and charming for an alien. I may not be like the other kids on the playground but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
After all, weird is just another word for unique and interesting. I am a fascinating one of a kind and exotic critter, and that should get me a prized spot in this human zoo.
After all, I’m just so damn impressive.
More after the break.
On and off
Sometimes I’m very ill. Sometimes I am perfectly fine. And sometimes I am in between.
Today’s been stressful because I have been sick on and off all day. This after the bullshit I went through last night.
I suspect the culprit is our old friend hydration. Somehow I have stumbled into that delicate state where failure to hydrate constantly and rapidly leads to dehydration symptoms across the board, from headache to nausea to faintness to weakness and back again, and at that point, as far as I know, I’m sick.
That’s why I didn’t make it to physio this afternoon. All morning I was toggling between feeling quite ill and feeling mostly okay.
The appointment was at 1 pm so I decided that I had to make up my mind at noon. When noon rolled around I felt awful, so I had to say no.
Damn thing’s a waste of time anyhow. Oh look, the government got you a physiotherapist, technically! It’s a woman you’ll see for half an hour a month and she will teach you one new exercise and then that’s it for the month.
Oh, and I have this new gross thing going on :
Hopefully, you got a look at it in there somewhere. If not, trust me, you ain’t missing much, it’s a disgusting blobby sac of… fluid,
And it keeps getting bigger, meaning it will probably pop on its own eventually. If not, I may get sufficiently sick of it to lance it myself with the tip of a pen.
I suppose it could be related to my other symptoms. They could be coming from my body trying to fight off the infection. It’s definitely possibility.
If the thing lasts long enough, I will show it to my Wound Care nurse tomorrow at 3 pm and see what they think. It seems too minor to take to the ER or UC.
I might take it to a pharmacist instead.
So, you know, my life is a Cronenbergian horror show that kind of makes me want to just check into the hospital now and when they ask me why I am there, i will say, “Nothing yet, but give it a minute. ”
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.