I am pleased with how deep into my own personal pain I went in this one.

My quest for catharsis and healing will benefit greatly from this.

Warning, though, it’s pretty emotionally raw.

Then again, you probably already know this stuff anyway.

Anyhow, here it is :

I’ve been hearing for a long time that people like the really raw confessional type of content these days, and due to my massive social maladjustment I completely lack a normal set of social boundaries about what I tell people, so for once my mental illness and my artistic ambitions are in total harmony.

So voila, the terrible tragedy that is my life.

I mean, it’s not even dramatic. There’s no pathos to sitting in front of a computer for three decades. I suppose that in a movie, you could do a “the passage of time” montage where the days and seasons fly by as I remain seated at the computer slowly getting older and fatter and sicker.

But always seeming just fine. If anyone asks, I am A-OK.

I mean, I’m not. I’m sick, both mentally and physically. But what occurred to me today but didn’t fit in the video was that I do not know how to handle not being OK.

It’s one thing if it’s an alarming medical emergency like my recent trip to Urgent Care. ^[1] where the entire context is supporting me and I know my role and I feel like I have a reason to be there.

But the idea of telling someone how I really feel scares the hell out of me. I have been reliant on this smooth persona of mine for so long that the prospect of being totally “real” with people feels like death and doom.

Not necessarily in that order.

After all, according to the bad tapes in my head, if I am not entertaining and funny and easy to get along with and pleasant and such, people will realize how much I suck and how much they hate being around me and flee me like I’m radioactive.

And I am, though no moreso than anybody else.

And it’s not like this smooth persona of mine is some kind of constricting and burdensome mask I force myself into.

I like being Fruvous and/or Fruvous-like. It’s fun. And in that mode I can function. I am at least somewhat socially adept. I can handle things.

So what if it’s not “the real me” doing it all?

It’s the me I’d rather be and that’s what matters.

And that’s the real crux of the problem, isn’t it? I don’t want to be myself. My real self is a pathetic emotional cripple who hides away in the depths of my psyche because he can’t handle reality at all.

Why would I want to be that guy? If I had my druthers, I’d get rid of him.

Well, OK, maybe not, that’s too harsh, but it would be nice to be able to function in the real world without all my masks and shadows and illusions.

I have no idea what that would be like. My protective shell has been there for so long that the “real me” is a stranger to me now.

He’s just a scared little animal trying to find his way home.

More after the break.

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Beyond the lies

Watched today’s video with my friends tonight and they were kind enough to remind me that I have done all kinds of stuff, not “just” sat in front of the computer for 30 years.

Like organizing the local Freecycle. I helped a lot of people with that and kept a lot of good stuff from ending up in the landfill.

And organizing the local furry community for four or five years. I created a safe space for us fuzzy weirdos where once a month they could come together and let their fur out and be themselves and feel a lot less alone, and that’s not nothing.

Looking back, I am very proud of what I brought together and nurtured. I made sure the community remained gentle and accepting and welcoming, and I drew great pleasure from all the people I saw show up nervous and scared, get greeted and welcomed by me, and then left alone to find their own space in the community.

It worked extremely well. Too well, because eventually the events grew too crowded for me, but I am still happy I made it all happen.

And of course, not for nothing, I did a year at Kwantlen and a year at VFS to get my oh so fancy VFS…. certificate? Sure. Certificate.

A certificate cheaply printed out on someone’s inkjet and then slapped between two sheets of clear plastic.

But let’s not go there right now. Maybe some time soon though.

I have a LOT to vent about my VFS time.

Anyhow, point is, I did all that. Got through Kwantlen and VFS. And that’s not nothing either, especially the VFS part given the commute from here to downtown Vancouver and back every school day.

From the point of my sad tired 52 year old ass right now, it seems almost impossible that I really did all that.

So my years have not been a total waste. That’s just the depression talking, creating an unrelentingly bleak interior landscape because it makes for a tighter and easier to distort and manipulate personal narrative.

So I’ve done stuff. I’ve contributed. I’ve added value to society. And I continue to do so by doing a video and a blog entry a day.

One of these days I will get back to doing the wackier, more experimental videos like I used to do way back then.

Oh yeah. I’ve also made over 570 videos over the years. And that’s something.

Stay tuned, I might think of more stuff I did!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.