Went pretty darn deep on this one, and I am glad I did because I think this little therapeutic exercise did me a heck of a lot of good.
And now I am busy trying to hang on to its lessons so they penetrate my defenses.
Here it is :
It started as thoughts about how I have been doing really well with the catharsis lately. How I have been feeling larger amounts of emotional release when I trigger various feelings through my writing or talking and how great that is and that got me thinking about how to best take advantage of that and that’s where the idea for the little “letter to myself” you see above came from.
I think it makes for a rather intense and dramatic video, but then again, i might be biased, seeing as it’s all about ME ME ME.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I am holding on to the good feelings from making (and watching) the vid because I can already feel the usual chemical holocaust of depression and anxiety that rages in my head trying to put things back to “normal” and I’m not having it.
Fuck my “normal”. It sucks used monkey tampons. I deserve a far superior “normal” and I am going to change my default fucking settings or die trying.
Returning to “normal” is at the heart of so much of our pain and suffering and self-destructive behaviour. Perhaps one of the best things drugs like ketamine can do for us is release us from our “normal”.
Fuck normal. I want awesome!
And that’s a good thing to keep in mind as I fight to keep my mind from going back to its (my) self-loathing toxic swamp monster beliefs about myself.
I am not some kind of horrible nightmare being of maximum repulsiveness whom random people loathe on sight for having the sheer gall to think I deserve to be seen in public when I clearly should be locked away in a dark sepulchre somewhere.
Holy crap, I spelled “sepulchre” right the first time. Score.
I saw a short furry animation about social anxiety recently that really struck a cord with me, though I dunno if people without the disorder will get it :
So I wrote this comment under it :
Oh, so very THIS. This is exactly the kind of insanity my social anxiety imagines happening to me only without the British thing to hang it all on. Just this pervasive feeling that everybody hates me for having the sheer gall to bring my clearly incredibly repulsive self out in public to nauseate the public and pollute time and space themselves with my toxicity. And that any second now I will do something that pushes then over the tipping point into mob violence and I will be chased out of civilization by a rage fueled torch wielding mob.
That was extremely cathartic to type. Phew!
And it really was. Like I have said before, sometimes I have to vent the negative thoughts and emotions in my mind in order to feel better, and those evil social anxiety delusions had not been taken out and aired in a long time, so it was time to do so.
And just like that, another fat drop of condensation drips off the iceberg on my heart.
I’ve made a ton of progress since the time of those unstable thoughts. I now know (most of the time) that feeling like that was just some biochemical noise in my brain and that none of that deranged bullcrap is true and most of it doesn’t even make sense.
Now I believe in myself and my abilities more often than not, and the more emotional detritus I jettison, the better off I’ll be.
More after the break.
Industrial scale catharsis
Like I have said, I am very happy with the acceleration in my rate of emotional release lately. I feel like that lower Paxil dose is really paying off now.
But I am also itching for more. I guess it’s a sort of spiritual ambition. I want to start shipping out those latent emotions like I’m a heavily laden cargo ship being unloaded by stevedores getting paid a flat rate.
Not the most accessible of metaphors, but I yam what I yam.
One of the things I am just starting to wrap my head around about myself is that I think I am a lot less patient than I used to think I was.
In my natural state, I am a lot more dynamic and active. I want to go go go and keep going. And while that comes with a deep reservoir of energy and motivation and inspiration, it also comes with a certain amount of impatience as the energies inside of me clamor to be expressed.
Not an easy thing for a Taurus like me to admit. Patience is supposed to be one of our primary virtues. And I am still more patient than average, I would say.
But as I unpack and activate myself, I am going to have to do what a lot of young people end up doing as well and that is to learn how to harness those wild energies so I can express them in a productive and healthy ways.
I may need to let them run wild for a while first, though, because this wild horses of mine have been cooped up for way too long and they need to run.
Whatever the hell that’s going to mean.
Obviously I’m not going to be limbering up for the triathlon any time soon. That ship sailed many years ago. And I don’t immediately have any conception of how to let those energies out within the framework of my current life.
Maybe I will have to find a whole new mode of existence, and I have no idea where something like that may lead.
But I am learning to trust my instincts and not worry about knowing what is next as long as I am doing what my heart tells me is the right move.
The acorn has no idea it’s going to be an oak tree.
But it becomes one just the same.
I should be so wise.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.