I’m quite happy with how this one turned out.
I think I made my points strongly and well and came across with the level of concern and seriousness I was intending.
My only regret is that, in retrospect, I maybe should have warned people that I was about to fuck with their heads, possibly a lot.
Oh well, there’s always something.
My intent is therapeutic. Confronting my own irrationality was unpleasant and scary but it opened the way to fight so much of the craziness in my head that it was way more than worth it.
Because once you know and accept that you are, in fact, crazy, and that therefore all your perceptions and beliefs are suspect, you are empowered to say to yourself, “No, that’s not true. That’s crazy. That’s a product of my insanity. ”
And as you do so, you separate yourself from your illness and that is a vitally important step for recovery. It reminds you that you are not your illness, it’s just a bad thing that has happened to you, and you can safely mobilize against it because despite what your depression tells you, what hurts it does not hurt you, in fact, quite the opposite.
And then you can begin the process of slowly eliminating depression from your mind. It’s like dialysis – the healthy part of your mind (yes there is one) slowly eliminates the toxin of your depression from your mind.
At least, that’s how it’s been working with me.
But I admit that, as the saying goes, the truth shall set you free, but first, it will piss you off. My words in that vid are strong medicine, and like I said, it should probably come with a warning label, but I forgot.
So um…. consider yourself warned, I guess.
In my own brain (not yours), I’m still going through a lot of emotional stuff. I still have moments of intense frustration that make me feel like screaming and leaping out a window, and possibly punching a hole in a wall first.
And I know why. That shit happens when your passionate emotions lack outlet. All my steam stays trapped inside me without a pressure valve to release it and thus the pressure inside of me is really quite shocking.
The only upside is that I am pretty sure that’s what fuels my endless creativity. Imagination is my one and only outlet for all that steam and so I always have absolutely oodles of it at my disposal.
Hence my adding videos to my daily routine. That gives me another outlet for all that steam, one which is a lot more draining than typing to you fine folk.
I could add a third thing but no, not yet. I am still getting used to doing a video every day. Once that becomes completely easy and routine I will ponder adding a third thing, or maybe just come up with a way to make my videos a lot better by putting extra effort into them somehow.
No idea how that would work, other than just not doing them daily.
I suppose I could do the talking in the morning and the finding pix and clips in the afternoon and put out a more professional looking product that way.
That makes a startling amount of sense.
But not yet.
Of course, what I really need is more physical release. Otherwise known as moving around more. And I know I can and I know I should.
Doesn’t mean I will, though.
I have three decades of lassitude to overcome first. My brain is still stuck in “run and hide” mode and that mode screams that the only safety is in immobility.
Even though that’s what is fucking killing me.
More after the break.
The freezing disease
I’ve been a medically unsound sluggard for so long that at this point it’s kind of hard to imagine myself living life in motion.
Not impossible. I’ve been busier before, though admittedly that was when I was younger. And truth be told my current life is not as idle as I make it sound.
Writing 1000 words a day and making a video is a fair amount of work. It’s not eight hours of work, but it’s usually around 4, and that’s every single day with no weekends off, so that’s 28 hours a week.
Which is not quite full time but it’s not too far off.
So it will do me a lot of good to remember that my being idle all the time is one of those lies my depression cons me into believing and it’s just plain wrong.
Which reminds me. Something I wanted to mention but it didn’t fit in the vid is the way that depression’s “evil magnetism” forces your soul to assume whatever shape makes it easiest to survive in its influence.
In fact, let’s switch from magnetism to gravity.
(Fruvous switches a comically oversized knife switch from MAGNETISM to GRAVITY)
Because the shape it forces on you is, in a general sense, flat. It flattens you to the ground and then keeps you there because when you try to stand back up or resist it in any way, you feel that same enormous crushing weight that forced you down there.
But if you stay as flat as possible, you can move around at the bottom of that gravity well and live a very limited sort of life defined by a force most people don’t feel.
So they, no matter how they try, can’t really understand what you’re going through, and unless you’re a scintillating communications genius like me, you can’t explain it.
Though if they are nerds, you can say, “It’s like living on a heavy gravity planet!”.
Imagine how much that would suck. Especially if the beings living there didn’t even know what gravity was and so had no idea that it could be different somewhere else.
So there you are, flat on the floor, and they’re mystified and just keep telling you to stand up already.
They’d probably think you were sick. Or crazy.
Wouldn’t that be a kick in the teeth.
I Will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.