What is the point of this wretched life of mine?
What is the point? What is it FOR? Why am I goddamned HERE?
And what I am I supposed to do with all this TIME? One of the main reasons I have become so deeply addicted to video games is so that I never have to wonder what to do with myself. I’m always going to be doing the exact same thing : playing video games.
Thus I avoid having to deal with the gaping, screaming, icy-toothed void that opens ahead of me when I try to confront the question of what I should or even want to do.
It’s the fear that causes it. Fear of choosing the “wrong” thing and being punished by the universe with pain and fear and regret for it.
The Infinite Hallway of Infinite Doors is only a nightmare because I feel like most of those doors lead to Hell and there is no way of knowing what the “right” one is before opening a door and committing myself, so the only “safety” is staying in the corridor and rotting away slowly till I die.
This is not rational in the slightest. There are lots of ways to know something about what is behind some of those doors. It’s pretty unlikely that deciding to go get a Slurpee will lead to my being hit by a falling satellite, for instance.
But meh. They only have one sugar free flavour and I am sick of it.
This feeling that life is like a game of Russian Roulette with five of the six chambers loaded is really holding me back. Holding me down. Keeping me stuck in a life I hate because it is so dull and unfulfilling and frustratingly limited that when I think about it, I want to smash everything in sight out of sheer dissatisfaction.
What has become of me is a goddamned outrage. I deserve so much better than this life of emotional paralysis and undignified decay. I have so much that I could contribute to the world if given a chance. All my wonderous talents and abilities yearn to be used to make the world a happier place (while also making me mad cash, of course.)
But it’s all locked away in this dungeon of fear with me. I have a mind the size of outer space but it’s useless to me as long as my soul is trapped in this disgusting cell.
But this is not my final fate. The rage in me grows stronger every day and some day soon I will burst free from this private hell and go rampaging through this world like some kind of horny Godzilla.
Until then, I will continue stoking my rage and frustrating and dissatisfaction with my stupid fucking life. My escape plan involves building up the fires of the id until they are hot enough to melt this petty little ice palace of mine and bust me out of here.
Some day I will be strong enough to walk free.
And then, watch the fuck out.
More after the break.
Big Green Machine
I like the “growing into Godzilla” idea. Very good id imagery. Kind of like turning into The Hulk or Mister Hyde, but with more big green peen.
Because it’s not just my rage that’s been locked in a cage for far too long. My lust is pawing at the door and whining to get out and get some fucking cock too.
If I ever come into a whole lot of money very suddenly, I am going to order myself a whole bevy of big-dicked male prostitutes and we are going to party.
I got an itch to scratch and it needs to be scratched HARD and for a LONG TIME.
Meanwhile, back in reality (sorta). after talking with my buddy Maelkoth about the fun he’s having in Elder Scrolls Online right now, I decided I want to re-install it and have some fun too.
It’s an Elder Scrolls themed MMORPG, and it’s the only one out of all the MMORPGs out there that managed to capture my interest beyond an initial trial phase.
Captured it pretty hard, in fact. More on that later.
So I went to reinstall it via Steam and discovered that it’s now 100 gig. Oy. Not entirely unexpected but still a bit of a shock.
Oh well. I will just set it to download and ignore it for a while. Should take like 12 hours.
But of course, it’s not that easy. Steam’s been doing this thing lately where a download will just pause part way through without even telling you.
It just displays “update needed”. Like, what the everlasting fuck? How can a game I’m in the middle of downloading need an update? Shouldn’t I be getting the latest version already? Or is it Steam that needs updating? If so, why can’t it tell me that?
So the download ended up taking closer to 24 hours because it would stop and I would have to notice that it had stopped and then go click a thing so it could resume.
And any process that starts with me noticing something is already doomed.
So finally I get the fucking thing downloaded, and run it, and it hangs.
Does not even get past the first loading screen. Motherfucking son of a sideways cunt.
Its inability to run is especially galling because according to Steam, I have played Elder Scrolls Online for a total of 1,612 hours.
This would seem to suggest that this machine of mine can. indeed, play the game.
It can play the fuck out of it.
So I have been poking and Googling about looking for a solution. But so far, all I have found is the usual useless bullshit. Solutions that tell me to go to menu options that are just plain not there. Extremely generic solutions that don’t address my particular problem. Extremely specific solutions for hardware I don’t own.
So I am feeling rather glum about that.
Even in the future nothin’ works.
I will keep trying, for a while at least. I want to play the goddamned thing. It’s an awesome game. I am sure they have added a bunch of cool shit in the last three or four years since I played.
Oh, and get this : when I went to ask someone on the official forum for ESO – it was GONE. The whole frigging thing is down. All I get is a blank screen.
I suppose I should try to figure out who I need to tell about THAT.
So I am feeling irritated and frustrated and a little depressed right now.
I wish I could just hire someone to fix my ESO issues for me.
Anyone out there up for the job?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,.