Another day, another hundred miles on my medical odometer.
Got the ol’ echocardiogram (heart ultrasound) done this morning.
That started off with some drama because my frigging alarm failed to go off. So poor Julian was forced to wake me up, and I know that’s not easy for him.
So thanks dear. 🙂
And then I had to scramble to get ready because we were way behind schedule, and by the time we left the building it was 6:55 am and the appointment was for 7:15 am.
So we were late. And I haaaaate being late. Always have. Even as a little kid who had only recently learned to tell time, being late would stress me out and I would get upset.
So we get to the hospital, and I follow the red line (I love those) to the ultrasound department. They tell me I want the echocardiogram department, which is next door.
So I go next door. The door is locked. Waddy fug?
A nice doctor emerges from within to tell me the echocardiogram department is, in fact, across the hall.
I’m already stressed out, I don’t need these fucking games.
Anyhow, I get there, and as the final irony, the receptionist is like, “I will be with you in just a minute”.
ARRRRRRGH. Waiting when i am this stressed is torture.
Anyhow, my being late had no real consequences and the procedure went fine. Like I said, compared to other procedures like my angiogram, ultrasounds are a breeze.
The only unpleasant part was when, to my surprise, in addition to the image on the screen, there was sound. The sound of my heart.
It sounded unhealthily…. squishy, to me. A good heartbeat, as far as I know, is supposed to be a good, solid beat with no sloshing. And if there IS sloshing, that means one or more heart valves aren’t doing their job properly and blood is flowing back through them on every beat.
Kind of wish I didn’t know that. Oh well.
Dunno how valvular malfunction might change my surgical future.
After that, it was back to Richmond. I figured I might as well get the daily IV treatment over with while I was out rather than make a second trip.
That went smoothly. Got my treatment, and my dressing change.
It’s very sad how much I have come to look forward to having the dressing changed.
Closest the big baby inside me can get to a diaper change, I guess. Disgusting.
But it just feels so nice to be touched and cared for.
What the fuck went wrong in my childhood? I was messed up before the rape. Did my mother not cuddle me enough or something?
Aaaanyhow. eventually the doctor came to consult, and she decided it was time my case was transferred to the Infectious Diseases Department.
So when I go in for my treatment tomorrow, I won’t be going in through Emergency but through the main entrance to the IDD.
Must be a real fun place to work.
More after the break.
Another block of text
As you can tell by the title, I got nuthin’.
Well, nothing in particular anyhow. If I cudgel my brains, I can always find something to write about. After all, I am a creative genius whose mind is an ever-overflowing fountain of ideas and stories and wisdom.
But right now I have nothing except a vague notion that I wanted to talk about… confidence? In some way?
Now if only I remembered where I was going with that.
Oh well, at least I remembered something, That’s progress.
Obviously, I’ve been trying to build up my confidence for a long time, and lately it seems to be bearing fruit. I find I can think of myself as awesome a lot more often.
I’ve often wondered if I should try the classic egotist route of compensating for my tragically low self esteem by affecting brash overconfidence and smug self-assurance.
It’s more than a little obnoxious, but what the hell, if it works, it’s worth it.
I will gladly trade being kind of obnoxious and hard to be around for the confidence necessary to leave this cage of mine and make something of myself.
I could even take the attitude of, “I am going to kick ass and take what I want, and I dare the world to punish me by showing me my limitations!”.
Of course, that’s a win/win for me because either I get everything that I want or I finally feel my limitations and know where the goddamned walls of my world lie.
I never had anyone to test myself against. Intellectually, I was always the biggest kid on the playground by far and could whip anyone around.
Other kids, teachers, ever other adult I knew, people on TV… I was smarter than all of them. And not by a little, by a lot.
So when I get the urge to tell the world to go fuck itself, all I am really saying is that i want someone to come fight me, god dammit.
So maybe i should tell the world to go fuck itself. Unleash that big bad ogre inside me that just wants to go all Juggernaut on the world and smash through all barriers and take whatever the fuck I want.
Surely the world would have to find some way to stop me. Surely.
I think I might have just become a supervillain.
I’ve often suspected that supervillains are secretly just children acting out for attention and unconsciously begging for someone to love them enough to stop them.
I can freaking relate.
That’s why they get so fixated on the superhero(es), They become the villain’s substitute for the father figure that is supposed to be the final boss of their childhood.
Something like “you’re not a man until you can whup your daddy”.
Makes me wonder what would happen if they won. Killed the bejesus out of all those pesky superheroes and now had nobody to oppose them.
My guess is that it would be like a lottery win : awesome at first but then you start to lose your mind because your world doesn’t make sense to you any more.
You could even pull a Marvel fastball and have this happen in a comic so you can explore the idea but then have it be that the villain only thinks they killed the heroes.
Then they come back and the villain is giddy with joy.
Then swears to destroy them, of course.
Might make a pretty good comic.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.